Wow, are you serious? Welp, it appears I’m in for a wild ride.
— But I feel ya, Terra Formars. I feel ya. After all, blood is icky. Urine, on the other hand, is A-OK in my book!
And of course, it’s a woman pissing her pants. After all, why would you waste a perfectly good pants-wetting scene on a dude? Now, sometimes… sometimes it’s okay to show young boys piss their pants in anime. But men? Naw. Better have a girl do it.
— That was just the first two minutes of the episode, too. What else are we going to see?
— Naturally, Shokichi isn’t allowed to turn this ship around. The excuse is that they don’t enough money to fund another expedition or something. But obviously, if the situation was really this dire, they wouldn’t rely on such a ragtag group. Furthermore, as Shokichi is slowly starting to realize, someone must have planted these terraformars on the ship. How else would you explain this sudden attack? Oooh, conspiracy! In any case, I wonder what the big twist will be if this story ever comes to an end. Hell, is it ever going to end? How long can you really milk a “Let’s battle bipedal cockroaches!” premise?
— So there are six terraformars on the ship, one for each executive officer. We thus get to see the executive officers show off their stuff… kinda. I say kinda, because we still don’t get our long-deprived action. All these assholes do is stand completely upright and stare at their respective roaches for some unnecessarily long amount of time. Then when the fight finally breaks out, our fighters move in super slow motion and take the roaches out in one or two hits. With some of the officers, we don’t even get to see them do anything. The story simply cuts to a dead roach and the officer standing there, looking all smug and shit.
C’mon, man, this isn’t action. I want action, not a shounen circlejerk about how fucking powerful these officers are. Maybe it’s like this in the manga, maybe it’s not. But even if this is how it is in the manga, so what? In that case, the studio should’ve taken some liberties with the adaptation to make these scenes a hell lot more interesting to watch than they are now. ‘Cause c’mon, we’re not watching Terra Formars for the deep characterization. We’re not watching it for the intricate plotting. We’re certainly not watching the show for its themes. We’re here to watch people fight roaches! But after three episodes, the show can’t seem to deliver on this front whatsoever.
— Even when the entire group has to split up into six separate teams, each led by a different executive officer, the show goes through the painstaking process of announcing the groups one-by-one. The pacing is terrible. The story is just dragging its feet for whatever reason.
— Oh yeah, the roaches can fly now with those tiny wings of theirs.
— There’s an oddly long scene in which we see a terraformar sit before a disassembled firearm. It’s just staring at the camera and nothing more. Okay. Maybe it’s the sage roach, and it’s meditating on how to shoot some colonist assholes.
— Michelle’s team can’t help but gawk at the Martian landscape. One of them remarks, “If there was nothing else, it’d be a beautiful planet.” What happens if we try to see this from the terraformars’ point of view? In most colonization stories, it usually doesn’t work out for the natives. They often just get subjugated and exploited. And sure, the roaches didn’t start out as natives on this planet, but for the past 500 years, they’ve done their job in making the place hospitable. All of a sudden, these colonists show up, and they want the place to themselves.
So what if we just skip that middle step where both sides try to do business with each other? Again, history tells us it usually doesn’t work out for the natives anyway. What if the natives just started fighting back right from the get-go? Then even after you repel the colonists, they come back! With bigger weapons! I’m not saying the terraformars’ actions are moral or anything. I just think it’s something to think about. I’m also not implying that the roaches know anything about human history. But I do know that I don’t know what they do know… if that makes any sense. Are these roaches even intelligent? Or are they just following someone’s orders? Who knows?
— Some groups land in relatively safe locations. Some don’t. One of the escape vessels even gets caught in a giant net. A really, really giant net. This is hilarious stuff. Are these tiny boulders and some rope really enough to send a 27th century ship crashing down to the ground? Yes, yes they apparently are.
— Another group comes across a bunch of, uh, Martian pyramids? Is this what we’re going to do do? Keep teasing over and over that the terraformars are more like us than we would like to admit?
— All of a sudden, a roach attacks this very group, which leads to more of that wonderful censorship we all know and love.
— What the fuck are we even censoring here? Did he tear a hole in his pants and now his dick is flopping about? Oh, I know it’s probably just some dead body on the ground, but the other way is funnier.
— Somehow, the plan is to take these roaches back to Earth alive. It’s a mission that is doomed to fail from the very start. Even if they succeed, you can’t help but imagine the roaches just multiplying back on Earth and wreaking havoc there. I guess that can be Terra Formars 2. It’ll end with a delightfully meta ending where the hero realizes the only way to stop the roach invasion of Earth is to kill the creator of the manga. Finally, Terra Formars 3 will be a giant letdown. Not only that, most of it will be too dark for the viewers to see anything.
— There’s just way too many slow-motion scenes in this goddamn anime. A roach is running straight for someone? Let’s slow time down so we can have a conversation during this scene.
— Hilarious. Just hilarious. Oh yeah, Elena’s dead, I guess. Not that we really knew her at all.
— But enough about that. Let’s cut back to Shokichi so he can feed us some more exposition. Can you think of a better way to cap off the episode? Oh right, how could I forget the voiceover from some unseen narrator? Anyway, the rescue vessel will show up in forty days. So good luck to our heroes, I guess. Too bad it looks like Sheila’s going to die next. At the very least, someone in her group will bite the dust.