Another light novel adaptation? Surely, you jest. And actually, that is what you guys are saying to me. How can I stand this crap? Why do I keep watching these shows? Am I just secretly tsundere for them or something?! Please, don’t be stupid. Yeah, I like these shows… I like how they pay the bills. Okay, well, nothing about Moe Sucks really pays the bills. What I get from the site will never make any dent in my student loans. But hey, the site does have some upkeep costs, and the sad truth is that the bad shows bring in the most views. I mean, you guys constantly ask me why I watch bad shows, but why don’t we flip this around? In other words, why do you guys consistently read the posts about the bad shows over the posts about the good ones? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way. We all know why people will prefer to read about train wrecks over something that, y’know, we can actually enjoy. So if you still feel the need to type out some tired answer that we’ve all read a billion times before, just know that I’ll probably just skip over it whenever I get around to reading the comments.
Long story short, the bad shows subsidize the good ones. It’s just like real life, actually. I’m sure those Gary Stu series that we despise so much also happen to bring in enough cash to help studios fund other projects. The same is sort of true here. The bad shows keeps Moe Sucks afloat, which means I also get to write about the shows I do like. I know a lot of people don’t care about Garo. But maybe — just maybe — if I can people to read yet another sardonic, derisive post about some stupid, braindead harem anime, a small percentage of those same readers — a really small one, mind you — might actually take the time to check out some of my other posts. And at the end of the day, that’s probably worth it in my books. But alright, alright… enough bullshit. Let’s watch yet another harem anime series.
— Meet Moroha, the hero of the story. He likes to do a lot of remembering. Remembering is central to this show’s plot.
— You heard them. They’re Saviors. That’s the official term for the good guys in this game. The bad guys? They’re known as the Metaphysicals. Yeah, I don’t even know. So what’s so special about being a Savior? Apparently, you can remember your past lives, and this somehow… gives you magical powers?
— Wow, that’s very deep.
— But the excitement stops there. That was just a little teaser to hopefully get you interested in this amazing new anime adaptation. Now that you’ve seen a bit of what will happen later in the story, won’t you now join us and see how it all started? And of course, it all stated when our hero first arrived at an academy to train Saviors. Yep, this is fresh and original… just like two of the other light novel adaptations that we are watching this season. So far, the show about the demon king girl is the odd one out.
— Moroha is supposed to be listening to his principal at the opening assembly, but the dude can’t help but fall asleep. In his dreams, he sees himself being a strong, gallant knight. And this strong, gallant knight is embraced by that pink-haired girl we had seen just earlier. Y’know, the one tied to a rock. Then we see the strong, gallant knight run head first into a bunch of bronze statues. Statues that can bleed. Then after murdering a bunch of people, he goes back to his fair maiden for his reward… uh, a tearful kiss?
— In the real world, however… oops, I mean, in the present timeline, right, right. Silly me. Anyway, back in the present timeline, the pink haired girl ends up headbutting Moroha instead. But fear not, light novel lovers. She’s not a foe! She’s none other than Satsuki Ranjou, and… well, you know how in other shows, they try to slyly sneak in incest by having the harem lead hook up with his stepsister? Like, it’s symbolically incest, but it’s not really incest, so it’s totally okay? Well, Satsuki is Moroha’s sister… but only in their past lives. In the present, she’s totally not his sister, so it’s kind of like incest…but it’s not! Yep, these light novels are all the same, but the one thing you can always count on is the clever ways these stories manage to justify incest.
— Quickly realizing that her oniichan from a past life is sitting right in front of her, Satsuki goes from tsuntsun to deredere in no time.
— But alas, every story needs a rival, so we now meet Shizuno, a.k.a. the big-boobied girl in chains from earlier in the episode. She brazenly kisses the main character, much to Satsuki’s chagrin. Oh, what a wacky cast! Weigh in on this, Moroha. C’mon, look lively.
— Wow, that’s a bit judgmental!
— Anyway, every school needs a giant coliseum where the students can do battle with each other. This anime is no different. The gimmick here, however, is that the coliseum exists in a broken space or whatever. So if you get injured in it, you’ll be perfectly fine once you return to the real world… ’cause we don’t want to have to deal with the consequences of having teenagers fight each other with weapons and shit. That’s just too hard to write.
— Inside the coliseum, their teacher shows off a very useful skill. Yep, this is the best light novel adaptation yet!
— The rest of the class tries to imitate him, but most of them don’t quite succeed.
— Oh I get it! It’s a poop joke! Very clever.
— Satsuki is different, though. She’s one of the more gifted students. Oh boy!
— The class, however, has a bully. He wants Metaphysicals to attack and kill people, so that the school would even allow a first year like him to fight. Naturally, Satsuki takes offense to this, because that’s just evil and shit. As a result, Satsuki tries to stand up to the guy. You know what that means. Yep, it’s voguing time.
— In the end, however, the bully humiliates Satsuki by cutting through her one-piece bathing suit.
— Afterwards, Moroha tries to cheer his imouto from a past life up, so she spills her guts to him. She has no friends, but it’s okay! She used to just dream about her past life and thus her oniichan all day long! Wow, healthy!
— She then admits that she’s not even trying to be a hero of justice. She was just trying to look cool in front of her oniichan. Uh, that makes it even worse…
— Still, Moroha seems to have cheered her up somehow… I actually forgot how, but shh. I’m totally paying close attention to this anime.
— Satsuki’s date with her oniichan is cut short, however, when the rival shows up and “forces” Moroha to motorboat her for minutes and minutes on end. No, you don’t get it. He totally can’t free himself. He’s completely helpless.
— Satsuki tries to do the same, but the dude complains that her chest is too bony. Welp.
— Afterwards, it’s Moroha’s turn to confront the bully. He demands that the bully apologize to Satsuki. Unfortunately, he is overwhelmed by his opponent’s “super speed.”
— When the girl hears that her oniichan is about to get in a fight, she dashes out of her room naked. But when she shows up to the fight, she’s fully clothed. This seems like a stupid gag that the studio somehow forgot about when they were putting the episode together. It’s okay, though. The bully threatens to tear all of Satsuki’s clothes off this time around. Classy guy.
— Eventually, Satsuki encourages her oniichan by promising him a kiss if he wins. All of a sudden, he remembers that he’s supposed to be a kick ass knight. He thus summons his real sword, vogues it up a bit, then crushes the bully. Yay… I love happy endings.
— But that’s literally the ending, so tune in next week to see more silly adventures at yet the third special academy in just this season alone.
— Man, where do they dig up these stories? Is there a book of shitty anime ad-libs or something?