Me too, buddy… me too. Anyway, if you haven’t watched the episode (or you’re not going to), the context here is that our hero’s making his way to the dorms.
On the way there, he spots a giant stadium-looking structure in the distance. What is it for? It’s for battles! Food battles! What self-respecting anime school doesn’t have a giant fucking stadium?
When Soma finally gets to the dorms, it initially looks like a dump. Covered in purple haze, wild animals running through the hallways, the dorm master (or whatever you want to call them) screaming at people over a loudspeaker, etc. Y’know, just anime things. If only reality was this interesting. The first time I moved into a dorm (years ago), it was relatively uneventful.
Anyway, we meet this Yugioh-looking motherfucker. Hey, everyone needs something to do post-retirement.
And yes, despite the dorms looking like a dump, Soma will still have to cook his way in. That’s right. Getting into the school requires a cooking challenge, but that seems reasonable. Having shelter over your head also requires a cooking challenge, though. ‘Cause if you don’t succeed, I guess you just have nowhere to sleep…? On the other hand, a lot of these kids are rich, so they don’t even need to necessarily live in the dorms. So I guess this is just a big fuck-you to the poor kids who can’t afford to find their own place…
Blah blah blah, there’s nothing left in the kitchen, so Soma will just have to work his magic.
It’s going to get a bit repetitive if this is going to be the set up every single time. We’ve fucked your meat! Let’s see what you can do now! We’ve oversalted your meat! Let’s see what you can do now! And now, there’s literally no meat in the kitchen! Let’s see what you can do now! And each time, you know Soma’s just going to blow their socks off anyway. And that’s the other thing: the bar is set so ridiculously high right from the very start. Soma has to start off as a master cook just to get in. He’s not just a prodigy who’s rough around the edges because he hasn’t had any former culinary education before. He comes in as a fucking master, ready to show these uppity kids a thing or two about cooking. Even though he didn’t know what beef bourguignon was, he just had to look at the recipe and nail that shit in the two allotted hours. It’s not about realism that we’re lacking. I could fucking care less that it’s not realistic. It’s just that there’s no drama. Or perhaps more aptly, the drama is one-dimensional. It’s okay to fail once or twice, and shounens are allowed to have good drama. I mean, don’t ask me to name one off the top of my head, but theoretically, I’m sure it’s possible!
Anyway, this time around, he whips up a hamburg steak, but he used mackerel! Canned mackerel, in fact! I actually don’t have much to say this time around, because I honestly can’t imagine what this concoction would taste like.
Sure, I love hamburgers, but I’ve never actually just had a hamburg steak by itself. Nope, I’ve never tried it. That’s not the hard part, though. I can imagine what a hamburg steak would taste like. The thing is, I’ve also never tried canned mackerel. I’ve had fresh mackerel in a sandwich, as sushi, grilled, etc. But chopped up finely, then bound together with eggs and panko crumbs so it resembles a hamburg steak? It’s not something that my palette can conceptualize.
Of course, the Yugioh motherfucker thinks it’s good. I’ll just take her word for it.
And he made a soup base out of dried squid, which really shocks and amaze the lady somehow, but I didn’t actually think much of it.
I cook with fish sauce a-plenty, so dried squid doesn’t seem that nutty to me. Oh well.
B-b-but she’s an old lady! Are we going to molest her with tentacles too and shit?
It’s okay, because Soma’s food sends her to the past…
…back to when she had massive titties. Why? Because this is a cooking show!
Where did those tits go? Victims to gravity, I’m sure.
Elsewhere, Megumi is buck-naked. ‘Cause why not.
13 15 is more than old enough! See? I’m paying attention, and now, this anime is suddenly amazing!
This is a cooking show.
Don’t worry, ladies, cause Soma gets naked too! No, not good enough?
How ’bout this guy? This is a cooking show, so he has an apron on. Look, this is also a classy cooking show, okay? And Soma only walks in on Megumi because this rich ass school can’t afford more than one bath, so we gotta do that cliched anime thing where hurr hurr hurr it’s the girls’ turn to use the bath, so don’t accidentally walk in on them, boys!
I know the door’s closed! I know the screen is fogged up! And I know the lights are on… but how do you know? How can you be sure that there isn’t a naked chick in there?!
After the horrible ordeal of having to see his
13 15 year old classmate naked, Soma retires to his room only to have this weirdo pop out of nowhere and invite our hero to a dorm party.
Aaaaaand these are all the residents. Or maybe they’re the only residents we need to know about, I guess. I won’t bother to learn their names now. That can wait until later when they have actually have actual stories or perhaps even personalities.
Megumi keeps her mind on what’s most important to a young lady in Japan: getting married. No, no way, anime isn’t out of touch!
She also confesses privately to the audience that it took her three months to pass the cooking challenge. So where did she stay in those three months? Questions without answers…
Afterwards, it’s more story set-up time as the anime goes on and on about some Elite Ten that pretty much runs this school.
Well, no, I came here to cook. What did you come here for?
Y’see, they’re… they’re… meh, I’m already bored. I just don’t care about some Elite Ten. I’m only here for the cooking. Besides, I’m sure Soma will battle them one by one, and I’ll learn about these kids then. We already know that Erina’s one of them.
Near the end of the night, after everyone’s gotten themselves drunk off of some rice juice, some of the kids show off what they’ve been working on.
Another person fried up some veggies. Oh boy. I was hoping that the girl who keeps all the wild animals would making something out of the racoon, but nah… not yet… not yet…
And as always, Soma has some kind of sick squid fetish. In fact, does he just carry a box of that shit with him at all times?
After everyone but naked apron dude and Soma has gone to sleep, however, the former lets the latter taste some delicious mackerel fillet. And a puree. Puree of what? Shrug.
But it’s Soma’s turn to lose all his clothes.
But naked apron dude finally reveals his true identity… as the seventh ranked member of the Shinsengu-…