Lance N’ Masques Ep. 1: God, I’m bored already…

I’m really, really bored already. F-fine, we’ll watch one episode. Just one, though. But if any of you expected a great returning post from me, I’d turn back now.

This… this is the all-important girl at the center of the story? Tch. When the synopsis said, “One day, [our hero] meets a girl named Makio Kidouin, and when finding that she lives alone, he decides to watch over her,” I expected the heroine to be a little older than this… BUT LULZ ANIME.

Great, it’s a toddler in distress. Saving damsels is just too 1995.

Those jungle gyms in Japan are insane.

Luckily, Yotaro, a bonafide knight — uh huh — just happens to be nearby, and he’s always ready to aid a lady in need. For some reason, however, our hero feels the need to whip his lance out as he bravely leaps into the air at our falling toddler. Maybe he’ll catch her with his spear–… NO! NO! THAT IS WRONG. SHE IS TOO YOUNG.

What the fu…

See, I was like, “Oh, he’ll break his fall with his lance or something. That’s why he pulled it out.”

NOPE.

*tips mask* But seriously, this is just like their fateful encounter in some flashback, right? We’re going to do a time skip where both characters grow up, yeah?

Fuck you anime.

Yeah, no you don’t, you liar. Anyway, we see the kid get knighted at some ceremony, and then there was some world building about the organization that he belongs to, but none of it is compelling enough to talk in length about. This shit is adapted from a light novel, though, so you can imagine reading these chapters? And I thought my job was boring and tedious…

We see that the kid has daddy issues, but then again, this is anime. Dad went to pick up a bento at the nearby combini and forgot how to get home.

Soon afterwards, we see the kid save come to the help of another maiden in distress. This one is a little older than the first one. A little. Again, this is anime. You gotta take baby steps. Literally sometimes.

Five minutes into crunchyroll and chill and he gives you that face.

Oh shit, we’re, like, in the modern world. I thought this was gonna be some slightly medieval escapist fantasy, but Yotaru is some masque-donning, lance-wielding “knight of the world” running around in modern Japan. I’m too old for this shit.

Carry a big stick taken literally.

Eventually, Yotaru drives the hoodlums away, but he gets really dramatic for no reason.

Like neckbeardian levels of dramatic. But I mean, he is a white knight…

The girl reacts accordingly:

So are we supposed to laugh at this kid or what? ‘Cause the kid’s all, “Well, I was raised this way. My body can’t help being a white knight.” There’s always some kernel of optimism buried deep within the terrible recesses of my mind that’s like, “Yo, it’s a parody, and it’s making fun of people with Yotaro’s mentality.” But see, you can’t get your hopes up, because the last half of the episode is utterly, utterly terrible.

But before we get to that, some girl and her talking horse is looking for Yotaro. Oh, did I say horse?

I meant a fuckable horse. Is that even illegal in Japan? Neeeeeeigh.

You ever get the sense that none of this is real, and this is just a bunch of fucked up cosplayers running around in broad daylight when the rest of us are trying to go about our day? That guy’s car is too small for him, by the way.

Needless to say, the opening of the anime happens after our hero got called a pervert by a slightly older girl. So then the only person he can impress is this really young and impressionable kid who’s probably in kindergarten or some shit. Cue the “WELL ACTUALLY SHES IN MI-…” I don’t fucking care, man. If you’ve read the light novels, tell me nothing. I’m not gonna read your comment. I don’t want to know anything extra about this story.

Unsurprisingly, Makio just leads a dude she hardly knows back to a gigantic mansion that she lives in all by herself. Yep. No parents. Just some maids. But the maids don’t even stay the night. She is all alone. And thus we’ve created the only character in the world that could possibly be impressed by our hero and his antics.

Speaking of daddy issues…

And then waking up to a girl that you may as well be a father figure to.

Why does Makio live alone? I don’t know. I stopped paying attention. Something about orders. Something about the girl being the only daughter of some prominent family. Of course. The hero wasn’t going to meet, save and watch over some peasant girl.

Eventually, some bad guys show up to take Makio away. Why? See, this is the story trying to tese you. Like, don’t you want to know why she’s so important? Eh? Eh? Wait, what do you mean you don-…

Nice.

Nice.

So of course, the masked hero triumphantly returns to beat the bad guys up. And what do you do when you fight a guy with a 3 meter lance? You pull out knives.

EVEN THE MAID HAS DADDY ISSUES. Anyway, hero wins, horse-girl finds our hero, end episode. This show sucks. This post sucks. This blog sucks. I want to go back into hiatus. Ugh. I mean, I want to write. I really want to write. My day job doesn’t give me any opportunity to write or express any sort of creativity. But I can’t write about this. It’s impossible.

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23 thoughts on “Lance N’ Masques Ep. 1: God, I’m bored already…

  1. fgfdfh

    Hey man, look at the positive! By starting at the bottom, anime this season can only get better! At least I hoped so.

    Reply
  2. spectreandy

    Oh, Jesus Christ. What was the budget on this show? Like 100,000 Yen? Yeah, this shit is one of the countless examples of “filler show” indeed. Generic characters, generic style, and generic coloring. Hell, even though I’ve dismissed entire shows because they had VN-levels of generic visuals, you can go on STEAM right now and find some that are better in all respects than this shit. Fall season really is here isn’t it?

    Oh man, modern Japan! How else can you dunk yourself into mediocrity?

    I can guarantee you this one thing: whoever wrote this boring-ass shit definitely saw the Korean film Woochi. It was an okay film, but let me tell you why this even matters: there’s a character in that movie that transforms into different animal forms aside from his human form. And you guessed it, his HORSE form is the most used.
    Huh, I wonder why the writer suddenly thought it was I guess, “interesting” to have a fucking HORSE, probably the most productive animal in human history, to transform into a loli. Let me guess, being his “loyal steed” and all, this loli-horse has feelings for him, because well, she’s a fucking “loyal steed”.
    At least in Woochi, the character filled the role of comic relief and provide some back-up to the main character in fights. What this’s girl going to do? Flash her uma-mimi around and do stereotypical loli-stuff?

    And, oh yeah, Generic Hero # 3100384. And a White Knight indeed. Way to set yourself up for some stupid ass jokes. Meta and Parody is great and all, but I have a less than a 0% that this writer can pull of anything close to justify that.

    Please don’t go into hiatus. It gives me more reasons to watch some shit I don’t even care about, or at least to laugh about.

    Reply
    1. kcat4

      Geez, if they wanted to make a knight character feeling out of place they could have done a late middle ages/renaissance era with a young and still delusional Don Quixote style character. Then they would have an interesting world to explore with a main character whose subplot was facing reality and coming to grips with it.

      Reply
  3. Archapp

    Hahaha, it’s alright E Minor. These posts can only go so far before they reflect the shows that you watch. I thought this one only seemed silly before, so it succeeded expectations in that regard. It’s even more ridiculous.
    Take your time making these posts, it’s always a nice read.

    Reply
    1. kcat4

      The white knight is not the problem as it is more a base from which to start characterization and a nice path if well trodden to follow for character development. The real issue is that many authors in anime stop at the archetype, the equivalent of slapping a game together with pre-bought assets. Some like Fate Stay night don’t even develop or properly characterize making them a worthless slab of plot contrivances. It doesn’t help that almost all shonen use this trope in exactly the way Fate Stay night does making it eye rolllingly agonizing to see them introduced. I often wonder whether writers know the main reason the archetype is used in older stories or even how they benefit those stories?

      Reply
  4. IonCaron (@IonCaron)

    Hahaha Baby steps, E Minor. Baby steps.
    Tearing into a show at least for one episode is a good way to get your feet wetter. Think yourself as though you’re Anime Blog Galactus, where you don’t need to spend a whole season tearing into a show, just an episode. Now that MOE MOE WHITE KNIGHT ADVENTURES has been devoured, you can move onto the next series.

    I’ll admit, this got very funny to read, but maybe you could get into a show you enjoy to give yourself a balance, ay? You could always give Tetrotodoxin a look, if I recall the name right. That’s certainly…well, it’s a show that gives you a lot to talk about.

    Reply
  5. Anonymous

    Me again sorry i keep posting as anonymous so i just wanted to talk about something u brought up, the age of these anime characters. I’ve been watching anime for two years now, im 21 years old, n i feel like i have watched it all (anime wise) but what i don’t understand is why do they keep on making the characters younger every time i mean most of the main characters are 14 for some weird reason and keep getting younger every season which makes me wonder, who is the target audience? or r we adults so boring that theres nothing exciting going on in our life worth making an anime about. Also most of the fanservice involves this under age girls, yea i know there r cultural differences but still im sure most of the people that watch this shows r over 18

    Reply
  6. Rakka (@CharcoalWing)

    ” When the synopsis said, “One day, [our hero] meets a girl named Makio Kidouin, and when finding that she lives alone, he decides to watch over her,” I expected the heroine to be a little older than this… BUT LULZ ANIME.”

    I think it makes more sense when she’s younger. Adults live alone with no problems.

    “I meant a fuckable horse. Is that even illegal in Japan? Neeeeeeigh.”

    It isn’t in America. Many states knew that passing laws against sodomy were more important.
    Any way, why don’t you blog Crest of the Stars or something else good?

    Reply
  7. JohnSan

    You can always go and watch concrete revolutio, that show is pretty decent and even entertining..or you can try laughing at that japanese Bones rip off (something about sakurako whatever) or maybe Valkyrie Drive as the Cross Ange substitute for this season! Haha
    Anyway, thanks for the effort and courage to watch this shit, uggh, mind numbling! By the way, did you noticed Digimon Tri is already out?

    Reply

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