I’m serious. Kill me. I’ll take Subaru’s place if it means we can finish this goddamn arc already. Nope, it’s not over yet. In fact, this time around, time moves even slower than ever. We only cover two days in this week’s episode. Two. Keep reading to find out how. Better yet, don’t. Nothing lies ahead, but painful slice-of-life nonsense. But if you insist on continuing, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
— Subaru wakes up, and immediately grabs the maids’ hands:
An auspicious start.
— So what’s the gameplan, coach? How are we going to survive this ordeal? Well, y’see, we have to befriend both maids this time! And that means working harder than ever! Woo! Roll that wonderful chore footage!
Don’t stop, baby!
Subaru, you bad boy!
— At some point, Re:Zero’s going to have to show us something new, right? Right. So let’s talk about magic:
This is so engaging!
— As it turns out, Subaru’s attribute is Shadow, a class of spells that mostly contains debuffs. From my experience, debuffs in RPGs are either incredibly overpowered or incredibly useless. Anyway, as much as I loathe this sleep-inducing talk about mana and gates and whatnot, I suspect this magic talk will be very helpful in later episodes to come. Just not this one! Patience, little one! We still have plenty of slice-of-life chicanery to get through!
— At one point, Puck casts a blinding spell on the hero, and with one of his major senses muted, he becomes painfully aware of the shadowy presence coiled around him. This is pretty much the only time the episode is remotely interesting. We immediately go back to light-hearted fluff immediately afterwards.
— Please, no.
I’m just kidding. It’s just some dumb fruit that restores your MP. Like your video games. Have we mentioned that this is very much like an RPG?! You guys love RPGs, right? Right?!
— This line from Emilia is probably the only profound thing anyone will utter out of this entire episode.
— That night, Subaru rests easy, because he’s definitely earn a ton of friendship points with the maids today! And boy, am I glad to have been there to witness it! Nothing like an anime protagonist rolling up his sleeves and working extra hard in order to endear himself to cute girls. After years and years of blogging anime, that’s all these guys seemingly can do. When in doubt, yell “Ganbatte!” and work even harder. It’s hilarious ironic considering the target audience.
— The next day, we get exciting Beatrice-in-the-library action! I need more! More! Gimme more characters sitting and talking in a room!
— Something something Satella is a half elf with silver hair. Something something you must be crazy to want to borrow the Jealous Witch’s name. Yeah, gotcha.
— Then more wacky banter between Subaru and Puck. I swear, I think this show has more pointless chatter in it than Fate Something or Other.
— At one point, Subaru nearly fucks up when he breaks a vase, and immediately goes to find a replacement. Rem is suspicious. Subaru tries to write it off by claiming that her sister had told him beforehand. Considering how close the two sisters are, I doubt Rem would buy it… but nothing comes of this scene. Nada. We just go right back to slice-of-life bullshit as if our life depends on it. Maybe the repercussions will rear their ugly heads in next week’s episode, but for now, I expected nothing and Re:Zero still manages to disappoint me.
— Subaru starts to work himself ragged. Not only that, he’s starting to sound like a slimy salesman. I guess he kinda looks like one now as well.
— All that work makes him throw up in the bathroom, but it’s okay. Like a dutiful waifu, Emilia knows exactly what she needs to do to help the ailing hero.
First, they just need to have a seat.
Then he just needs to place his head in her lap.
Fuck, now I’m gonna go throw up. Someone get a waifu lap ready for me when I return.
— Subaru proceeds to sob in Emilia’s lap, because, well, he’s trying super hard, he really loves this place and its inhabitants, and uh, I dunno, the stress from dying over and over probably doesn’t help. I would have sympathy for Subaru, but I hate Re:Zero’s story with a passion, so yeah, I feel nothing.
— With just a few minutes left in the episode, Subaru learns from Beatrice that a shaman needs to come into physical contact with someone in order to place a curse on them. In other words, the curse-giver must be someone from the village. Normally, I’d go back and watch the previous episodes to see if I can spot the culprit, but it’s Re:Zero, so who cares? I hope it’s the dog — an evil, curse-giving dog. Or better yet, maybe Beatrice will get fed up and kill him outright one of these days.
— So Subaru goes to the two maids and asks the two of them if they could drop by the village today. The two maids agree. In fact, they’ll both be going with him this time.
Oh boy. And with that, the episode is over.
Yep. Two days and some odd hours this time around. Thanks, White Fox. I really enjoyed 24 minutes of Subaru learning about magic and doing chores.