*record scratch* *freeze frame* Yep, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation. Well, it all started when…
Oh dear, this loli knows my name! She’s a mole for the FBI!
She even knows Japanese! I whispered Japanese into her ears, and she totally fell for it! Oh well, let’s buy her anyway:
Let’s buy the other loli as well, because why the hell not? How can you resist when she says, “As you can see, I’m homely and weak-looking….” Liza also tells us that her village of ugly lizardpeople were wiped out by weaselpeople, but I don’t care:
Afterwards, I went and got food with my loli slaves.
Since this is such an awful anime, let’s have some offal!
This dish is too salty!
But this one is just right!
Mmm, nothing like a bowl full of iron-y goodness.
See? Even Liza is getting into the fun of reviewing fake food. But let’s wrap things up, because I really want to get these lolis back to my room.
Get out of the way, first loli and her slightly-too-chubby mom! You’re way too old for me!
Also, you demi-human lolis can sleep in the stable! I might be a lolicon, but I ain’t no furry!
That leaves the two newest and freshest lolis all to myself!
Look, when in Rome, guys… do you want to make the loli cry? So y’know, just go with the flow…
Alright, I think it’s time to step in.
Hi, I’m Chris Hansen. This is Bargain Bin Kirito, a 29-year-old man. A programmer for a mobile game developer. He thinks he’s playing this game to bang some pubescent girls. His screenname is Satou, and while in-game, he likes to pretend that he’s a teenager. So Mr. Bargain Bin Kirito, you got a big afternoon planned, huh? Why don’t you take a seat right there, please?
Please, sir, I really fell into this world for no reason.
You’re in this world for no reason? Now what did you bring with you here?
Clothes, yakitori… like she asked me.
Yes, sir, that’s what I told her I was bringing.
What about condoms?
Yes, sir, I have’em also, but that was not my intention, I swear to you sir.
W-w-what were you gonna use the condoms for?
She told me to bring them also.
So you do everything just ’cause she told you so?
Yes sir! I swear to you that is the reason!
Then why did you send to her pictures like this…
Because she asked me to.
She asked you to send pictures? Let me read some of your chats with her. Did you say, “Are you ready to have my thang in your mouth?”
What do you mean by that?
“Are you ready to have my *beep* in your mouth?” I wasn’t going to, though.
But if she was opened to the idea…
…you’d have sex with a 13-year-old girl?
Why, ’cause it’s so alluring to have sex with a 13-year-old girl?
It’s just probably something you’ll never hav-… that’ll be probably the cleanest, best pleasure, I would say.
The cleanest, best pleasure is to have sex with a 13-year-old girl?
Yes. I’m not a sick person. She made me come here. Look, I have proof!
See? And she wanted it!
So it’s not my fault!
Anyways, that’s enough Death March for me. I don’t know what I was trying to accomplish with this post. It’s all over the place. Well, all that matters is that I got it done, so I can go take a nap and have enough energy for the other painful anime of the night. You know which one.
By the way, I did finish the rest of this episode, but I don’t really feel like recapping it. All you need to know is that the loli is a reincarnation of some actual Japanese woman. Also, she’s a princess. Does that mean Bargain Bin Kirito was reincarnated as well? No, but it’s not exactly accurate to say he was summoned as the hero either.
And if a girl thinks you’re a pedophile, just dance with her. That’ll fix everything right up.