Killing Bites Ep. 5: What a weird adaptation of The Jungle Book

Sorry, j-just let me stare at that mountain of sugar and cream a little longer. After what I just watched, I need something nice to look at… okay, I’m ready. Let’s get into Killing Bites, where the sharpest fang always something something. Gosh, I’ve forgotten Hitomi’s catchphrase already. I wonder if our heroine will say it again this week. Having said that, I imagine that most of you aren’t watching this show, because the view counts have dropped off dramatically since the first episode. In fact, Killing Bites is probably doing the worst out of all the shows that I’m actively posting about. So I’ll probably have to remind you where we left off.

Hungry Hungry Hippo and two other dudes were going to team up against Taiga Aisaka. Unfortunately, Renekton wants to test his own mettle by engaging the striped manbeast in a one-on-one duel. Can tigers beat crocodiles? I have no clue.

Gorilla Glue doesn’t think so either, and for some reason, he appears to be the only male character who keeps his human head in his transformed state. Well, either that or he only partially transformed. Whatever. Just look at that tiny, tiny waist of his. Eat your heart out, Johnny Bravo.

It doesn’t take long, however, for Taiga Aisaka to get the upper-hand. Who knew tigers were so fast?

Explosive power doesn’t mean he’s fas–… ah, whatever. I’m getting bored of this fight. let’s see what else is going on in the jung–…

So you’re probably wondering how Chesty Cheetah got into this situation.

Chesty Cheetah was busy chasing down this lady when the rapist dude got the jump on her.

That’s right, the rapist dude can transform into a snake. Here’s what I don’t get… can’t the players see all of the Brutes’ positions? Can’t Chesty Cheetah’s player tell her that Solid Snake is about to double-team her? In any case, even Solid’s Snake’s partner is sadistic:

Taiga Aisaka would come help his dear imouto, but as soon as he gets his marching orders…

…Renekton chomps down on his leg. According to the Japanese David Attenborough, crocodiles can take heavy punishment in battle.

Shrug. I’m not a big enough zoophile to dispute it. What’s important is that since Taiga Aisaka already got his orders, if he doesn’t comply, his collar will explode. What a devilish plan! What do you think, useless harem lead?!

Uh, welcome to the world of the ultra rich. This is pretty much what they do every single day.

The only thing Yuya is good for is 1) having a dick and 2) being a pathetic softie. So even though he has Hitomi in an advantageous position, he decides to move her on his own accord. Remember, he had previously agreed to let Hitomi call the shots. So who is he gonna save? Taiga Aisaka or Chesty Cheetah? C’mon, do you really have to ask? No harem lead would ever abandon one of his babygirls.

Hitomi arrives just in the nick of time before Solid Snake can stick his solid snake into his latest victim. You can’t ruin his night that easily, though.

Otherwise, they wouldn’t call him Big Boss for nothing. Or was that his father? Fuck, it’s been so long since I played any of the MGS games. I should get MGS V, but I hear it’s a huge letdo–… ahh, enough about games. I gotta finish this episode of Killing Bites, then I still have Beatless to tackle.

Back on the boat, everyone laughs at Yuya for actually having a heart. Y’see, the stakes are too high to care about human lives! And that’s what it always comes down to. The money count is always too high, isn’t it? Sure, we could provide free college education, but it’d cost too much. Anyways…

Hitomi quickly finds that she can’t just beat everyone down. The woman transform into… into… fuck, I don’t know a popular gecko… Geico? Fine, we’ll roll with it! Our dear honey badger gets her ass handed to her by Geico Insurance. How?

Sticky hands, boys! That’s right! I always knew I was onto something when I kept swinging these toys at my cousins’ faces:

Did Yuya just doom his top Brute by being too compassionate?

Some lady tells him not to despair. Trust your (side)piece! But which one? Which one though!

Oh, that one! Even though Chesty Cheetah isn’t technically on Yuya’s team, she’s a cute girl, so she’s figuratively ridin’ his harem lead dick anyways. With everyone’s attention glued to Hitomi getting her ass kicked, Chesty Cheetah is able to make her move…

…and blind one of Solid Snake’s eye. So that explains the eyepatch!

Anyways, since Hitomi is having such a hard time with Geico Insurance, the two girls decide to switch targets. She’ll fight Solid Snake, and Chesty Cheetah will get her revenge against Ms. Sticky Hands.

But we won’t get to see that until next week! Ooh, the suspense! I can’t wait to see–… wait, Hitomi never said her catchphrase.

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3 Replies to “Killing Bites Ep. 5: What a weird adaptation of The Jungle Book”

  1. I love how you wrote this post with the metal gear solid solid undercurrent, all which felt lead up to the eye-patch visual gag. I don’t know if that came to you spontaneously while you were writing or you had always planned the joke but you did a SOLID (hehe) job building towards the joke; I laughed harder than i should have because of that

  2. This show is so silly it keeps getting raunchier by the week.

    Anyway is refreshing to see a battle anime using strategy for once, is not always about power levels, so kudos for that Killing Bites.
    So honey badger, the strongest fangs and bites aren’t all that matters… or whatever her catchphrase was… lol

    1. Killing Bites is like the polar opposite of Juuni Taisen. We have almost no backstories on any of these characters. Last week’s episode was almost all fighting or gameplay. Also, Juuni Taisen would stick its characters in pointlessly revealing outfits for no apparent reason. Like it or not, at least Killing Bites is upfront about exploiting its characters’ sex appeal.

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