Harem Something or Other Pt. 3: The perils of time travel

Time to get out of bed, folks, ’cause another edition of Harem Something or Other is here! 

How Not to Summon a Demon Lord Ep. 4

Plot Content:

— When the episode kicks off, Rem and Celes are trying to get away from another meathead Chad. This feminist ally tries to protect him, but as we all know, soy boys are no match for Chads.

— Elsewhere, the army of Fallens watch in rapt attention as a foolish haremette actually tries to resist advances from the great Alpha Bro Diablo. It’s easy to trigger her, though. First, he enrages her by negging her puny girly strength. Then when she tries to unleash her ultimate move, he stands there and takes it just to prove that she can’t even dent his manliness.

— Finally, it is time to retaliate.

— Out of Diablo’s wand, a great surge of whiteness demolishes everything before him. Even the bridge has been taken out. Boy, we’re gonna need to vote in Bernie Sanders if we want to repair our infrastructure! But enough jokes! We must hurry back and protect our catgirl!

— Diablo gets back just in the nick of time to see our soy boy on his last legs. He is quick to remind Emile that the latter is nothing more than a pathetic beta.

— Finally, it’s time to show that meathead Chad the business. You never show Chads any mercy. Never. And once the deed is done, you can finally reap your reward.

— Even the staunchest feminist ally will have to begrudgingly show you respect.

— Sure, a lot of people died in this attack, but they were probably losers anyway.

People die if they are killed. It’s true.

— Ten days later, the guildmaster has come to deliver some bad news: those long-eared dorks in the forest want Shera back or else. Hah, or else what? War, apparently. They’re going to launch a thousand ships for Shera, and she ain’t even all that. Not like my girl Helen.

— Ah well, it’s time for Diablo to do what all demon lords are experts at: play peacekeeper.

Harem Content:

— Don’t worry about the Fallen haremette. Sure, Diablo is more than happy to murder an entire army of Fallen, but he wouldn’t dare kill a hot girl. That would be such a terrible waste. As a result, she somehow manages to survive his torrential pour of whiteness.

— Don’t mind the lousy boob physics either. Just accept the slavegirls’ love for you. Both of them. They’re your property anyways.

— After a hard day’s work, be sure to get some R&R.

— Just be sure to set a wake-up call. You wouldn’t want to sleep through all of the important quests and events, would you?

The Master of Ragnarok & Blesser of Einherjar Ep. 4

Plot Content:

— Plot-wise, The Master of Ragnarok & Blesser of Einherjar is easily the most boring show out of the four that are featured in this post.

— Yuuto wants to teach the people of Gimle how to use a particular farming technique, but they’re not receptive to his newfangled ideas. As a result, we’ll just have a loli lead the peasants instead.

— Steinpor and the Lightning Clan suddenly declare war, so yeah… that’s about it, really. That’s all the plot they managed to fit into 24 minutes.

Harem Content:

— Even the harem content is weak. Linnea still wants to marry Yuuto and fuck his brains out. She even dreams about it. Unfortunately, she needs to get in line, because every eligible loli out there wants to marry the bog standard harem lead.

— They’re all catty with each other too.

— As a result, Linnea tries to resort to dirty tricks like seducing Yuuto in the dead of night. She doesn’t realize, of course, that Felicia is always around the corner.

— Plus, Yuuto is one of those gormless harem leads. He wouldn’t know what to do if a naked girl just fell into his lap. In fact, that is literally what happens.

— He rejects her, because he’s in love with someone else. Yes, he’s in love with his childhood friend back in his world. Linnea tells Yuuto that she’s totally cool with polygamy, but alas, that practice has been outlawed in Japan since 1945.

— So that’s that… really, that’s it. You can move onto the next show now.

Island Ep. 5

Plot Content:

— Honestly, this whole episode should just be one long moment of zen.

— Sara spends most of her days tending to old people afflicted with the soot blight syndrome. Unfortunately, she can’t rid them entirely of the disease. She can only alleviate their pain.

— The poor girl was apparently appointed the “child of light.” After she was born, babies stopped being born with soot blight syndrome. This all ended, however, when she turned 10. The tragic fire that had claimed her parents’ lives apparently also ended her reign as the “child of light.”

Sara has a scar on her chest in the exact same place as her mother. Also, she really, really looks like her mother. The only difference, of course, is that her mother has ridiculous anime-sized breasts. On the other hand, Sara is completely flat-chested. Sorry, but we only deal with extremes.

— Sara is also convinced that Setsuna is a time traveler.

— When you add all of the above up, the distraught girl is convinced that she is her own mother. No, really. She believes that Setsuna must impregnate her, then she’ll go back in time, give birth to herself, then hopefully prevent the fire from breaking out. If she succeeds, then her own child — who is still herself — will remain the “child of light,” and thus the island is saved!

— But of course, we all know this is bullshit. The last thing Rinne would want is for anyone to take her precious Setsuna away. As a result, she starts digging into the sordid history of the Garandou family. Well, surprise, surprise… the whole “child of light” thing was just a hoax.

— But wait, if it was a hoax, then how come babies stopped being born with the disease during that 10-month period? This is where the family history gets nasty. They would test to see if a newborn would eventually develop soot blight syndrome, and if the signs were there, they’d just snatch the baby away. They’d tell the parents that the baby was a stillborn. That’s evil. That’s horrendously evil. Karen’s path was kinda whatever — kinda hokey in the end. Sara’s path, however, is like straight out of a horror story.

— B-b-but what about the scar on her chest? This is yet another sick Garandou tradition. Every child is branded on the chest for some dumbass reason.

— Unable to endure the shame any longer, Sara’s family decided to commit suicide. That’s why the fire broke out that night. But of course, they didn’t want to kill Sara as well. That’s why they protected her.

— Even after she learns the truth, Sara is in despair. She had put so much hope in the whole “child of light” nonsense. Now that she’s just an ordinary child — an ordinary child from a shameful family, I must add — she just wants to die. Well, join the club. As millennials, we all do. But I digress. Sara later tries to self-immolate.

— Well, to nobody’s surprise, Setsuna manages to rescue Sara in the nick of time. But when the girl wakes up in the clinic, she still says she has no reason to live. That’s when Setsuna tells her to take a look around, because all those old people that she helped went ahead and folded paper cranes for her! Awww! All’s well that end’s well… except, y’know, a bunch of people are still sick and dying on this island. Also, a 16-year-old girl literally thought that she was destined to be her own mother. As a result, she really needs to fuck this stranger who just washed up onto the island out of nowhere. Kids are fucking stupid.

Harem Content:

— Um… at one point, Sara gives Setsuna an erection by poking his butt:

That’s about it, really.

— And oh yeah, even though this episode is all about the Garandou family’s dark history, the very first thing we see in the cold opening is Sara’s mother’s giant rack. Nice.

Yuuna and the Haunted Hot Springs Ep. 3

— Honestly, this show is a true harem anime in every possible sense of the term, so I shouldn’t even bother splitting it up by plot and harem content. It’s all harem content, really.

— Yuuna freaks out in the morning when she can’t find Kogarashi. Basically, she’s already an overly-attached ghost.

— As for the dude, he just started attending school, ’cause what harem anime would be complete without nonsensical high school hijinks? Furthermore, Yuuna needs to tag along, because who wouldn’t want to spend all day haunting a high schooler? It’s not like she has anything better to do.

— First things first, we gotta scope out the classroom. Who’s the hottest babe here?

— I had no clue which girl the guy was referring to. I initially thought he meant this poorly drawn girl in the middle. But nah, this is apparently the class idol. Chisaki is supposedly the hottest babe here even though she looks pretty much like everyone else.

— Right off the bat, Yuuna intends to scope out the competition. Since nobody can see her, however, they just instantly blame Kogarashi. It’s true. He is a pervert.

— Fun fact: Yuuna can change her clothes at anytime. She just has to picture it. And when Kogarashi suggests that she’s practically naked, she goes… practically naked! Aren’t harem anime series amazing?

— Kogarashi decides to do the unimaginable and just flat out tell the whole class that he’s a spirit medium. Let’s see how that goes…

— …yep, this is about what I expected. But as you can see, Chisaki is not laughing. She’s taking Kogarashi seriously.

— It turns out her stuffed animals are being possessed, so she would like a spirit medium to solve her problem. As a result, the harem lead ends up coming over to her house after school.

— I like how Chisaki invited him over, then starts freaking out about having a boy in her room. She even thinks he might rape her right there and then. Makes sense. Maybe factor this in before you invite the guy over. Plus, she just met the dude. Why is she taking his words at face value? Oh, I’m a spirit medium! Totally not a scam!

— Anyways, Kogarashi starts punching stuffed animals. Y’see, if they were truly possessed, then his punches would do the trick. Let’s just say Chisaki wasn’t too impressed.

— When Yuuna tries to take a peek inside one, it scares her. As a result, her psychic powers go haywire and we get another classic harem misunderstanding.

— After Chisaki kicks Kogarashi out, the stuffed animals finally come alive. In fact, they’re very alive. They’re very rapey, too.

— That’s when Kogarashi storms outta nowhere and punches those stuffed animals! Wait, was the front door unlocked or something? How did he get back into her home? Ah, whatever.

— They eventually chase the “spirit line” all the way to the park, where the culprit summons some sort of demon thing. It’s not particularly important, because the summon goes down in one punch. Yep.

— Faced with no escape, the culprit finally reveals itself to be… a loli trash panda?

— Apparently, there are trash pandas existing alongside humans. We just can’t tell them apart. So why did this particular loli trash panda decide to haunt Chisaki? Because it is obsessed with the girl’s boobs.

— C’mon, a loli should know better than this.

— But because it’s a loli, Chisaki decides to allow the girl to molest her. She only gets mad when it’s possible that Kogarashi may have seen everything. What a smart girl.

— But like any true haremette, all is forgiven in time. And by that, I mean the very next day. She even gives him cookies for all his troubles. This sends Kogarashi over the moon, because he’s so poor, he can’t even afford cookies.

— As for the loli trash panda, it has moved in with the rest of the weirdos at the boarding house. So basically, we got ourselves two new haremettes in one! This is truly a happy ending.

Worst Harem of the Week:

I’m gonna have to go with The Master of Ragnarok & Blesser of Einherjar for being mind-rendingly boring.

Your moment(s) of zen:

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