Shichisei no Subaru Ep. 6: 3-man wrecking crew

Watch as two bitter rivals put their differences aside to save their prepubescent love interest. 

— But first things first, we have to explore Satsuki’s motivations for saving Asahi, ’cause y’know, just saving someone from being used and manipulated is not a good enough reason by itself.

— She remembers when Asahi first awakened to her Prophet Sense. The entire team was in trouble, but the girl just started barking out orders. Thanks to her ability to literally see the future and cheat, they were able to overcome some generic MMORPG challenge.

— Everyone started singing Asahi’s praise, so Satsuki stood off to the side and pitied herself. Nobody cares about me, nobody thinks I’m awesome, blah blah blah. That was when Asahi stepped forward to speak to Satsuki alone and apparently out of earshot from everyone else.

— Asahi confessed that she felt envious of Satsuki as well, because the latter always got to stand on the frontlines with Haruto. She felt so bad about it that she would cry at night. I’m not even joking: “I cried so much I couldn’t sleep.” All this for Haruto. Haruto. Look at that milquetoast boy and tell me he’s worth crying over. Nevertheless, he’s got two of the three girls in the guild fighting over him. Anyways, this somehow cheered Satsuki up, and the two girls promised to be friendly rivals. And this is why she has to go and help Haruto save Asahi. Haha, whatever.

— Satsuki goes to see Takanori; she wants to know if he’ll lend a hand. The guy, however, tries to reason with her once more. C’mon, girl, if Haruto dies here, you can have him to yourself in real life! For a supposed genius, he’s kinda myopic. Emotions don’t work that way. If I can’t get with my true love, I’m not going to just start dating the next person in my life.

— The girl then argues that she can’t technically win if there’s no one to compete again. Eh. I’m just gonna ignore that and pretend that she’s saving a friend.

— As for Haruto, the enemy manages to blast him with this massive laser attack, but when the smoke clears, our hero is still standing. Y’know, I’d instantly uninstall a game if ten people are unable to bring down one jerkoff. But we’re not talking about ten people. There are literally 3,000 people here trying to take Haruto down, and they’re failing!

— One of the baddies then goes, “Divine just wants to use Asahi Kuga’s power to bring peace to the world!” What? What are you talking about? It’s possible that the world of Re’Union is embroiled in constant conflict, but the story hasn’t done anything to convey this at all to the audience.

— Anyways, things start to get a lil’ kinky, and it looks like Haruto might finally lose. But that’s when his friends arrive to save him! It’s always in the nick of time! Always!

— Haruto tells Takanori that there are about 1,500 enemies left. So he took down half of the army all by his lonesome. Did he kill kill them? Since this game has permanent death, did he just kick 1,500 people out of the game?

— With these two dorks’ combined strength, they are able to do this to the enemy. Again, if this is possible in any MMORPG, I don’t want any part of it. These two are stronger than raid bosses.

— As Haruto, Takanori, and Satsuki head into the enemy’s stronghold, the camera pulls back to reveal Elicia standing alongside Clive. Oh boy.

— Deep within the stronghold, Satsuki notices that the walls are adorned with jewels designed specifically to neutralize her magic. Hmm.

— Also, Angelus, one of the enemy leaders, has the ability to read minds. Right now, he’s reading Asahi’s mind. Since she can see the future, reading her mind means he can see the future. As a result, our two raid bosses — Haruto and Takanori — suddenly find it difficult to save Asahi. Hey, would you look at that? It’s not so easy to compete against others when they cheat, huh?

— Since Haruto is his rival, Takanori won’t let his former childhood friend outdo him in the kink department. Man, you kids are wild.

— According to Angelus, he’s not spying Asahi’s thoughts. He’s just seeing into her heart. That’s right, baby. I’m not stalking you. I’m just seeing into your home!

— The two enemy leaders then say that this is the day the legend of Subaru dies. So which is it? Crushing Subaru for good or bringing world peace to Re’Union? Actually, does it even matter anymore?

— Anime loves its God Kings, though. As a result, it would love more than anything for a select few like Subaru to dominate everyone. The problem isn’t benevolent rulers are impossible. It’s that these golden kingdoms are always short-lived. As soon as the great one dies, it instantly goes to shit.

— Anyways, Satsuki is easily knocked to the ground, because she can’t use any of her strong magic… or so you think. While she’s on the ground, she tells herself that it’s totally unforgivable for the enemy to use Asahi’s powers against Haruto. Why? Because the girl only got those powers to help Haruto, so like… something something? Shrug. Anyways, she screams more “You are my rival!” nonsense and then she suddenly awakens to her old powers.

Satsuki levitates into the air and summons forth the six elemental kings. Six years, six elemental kings, six members in Subaru. God, this show loves the number six. Also, the elemental kings look even dumber up-close.

— And with their help, she blasts away most of the enemy… backups?

— Things look dire for the bad guys, so Angeles punches his partner in the stomach with literally negative thoughts. Yep, it’s something like 3,000 people’s resentment against Subaru or some shit. It’s as dumb as it sounds. The problem is that Letos is supposed to be a real person playing the game. So what is going on here? Is the guy just losing control of his character because it’s being afflicted with negative emotions? Or is the negative emotions actually getting to the real life person, who then controls the avatar like this? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

— At the end of the day, you have to wonder why they even bothered to base this on some MMORPG concept. Just make it some silly fantasy anime, then all of the unbelievable nonsense can be hand-waved away. But nooooo, this is a virtual world where thousands of people are fighting over one girl because she literally has the magical ability to see into the future!

— Asahi, now awake, tells her friends to recall or whatever. Recall their magical Subaru powers. So just like that, the three friends combined their forces to make Haruto even more overpowered than before. Consumed with rainbows and sparkles, he can cut through hundreds of dimensions and thus finish Majin Letos in one blow. So much for 3,000 negative emotions. Look, if 3,000 jobbers can’t beat them in real life, why would 3,000 emos make a difference?

— Satsuki ends up immolating Angelus. Let’s hope you don’t feel actual pain in this MMORPG.

— Takanori hands Asahi back that fragment of memories he had taken from her in a previous episode. With it now in her possession, they all see blurry visions of hooded men commiserating over a failed experiment — a failed experiment regarding her Prophet powers. Great.

— With Asahi now back in safe hands, Takanori bids farewell. Like Asahi and Satsuki, he and Haruto are rivals. The difference, however, is that they remain bitter rivals. Well, just bitter on Takanori’s side. Haruto has a generic hero, so he has no personality. All he ever does is act courageous and spout cliched hero lines. When it comes to anything else, he’s completely clueless.

— Case in point, Asahi and Satsuki embrace each other and renew their ongoing rivalry. Haruto hears and sees all of this, but he just goes, “Duuuurrrrr, what are you guys talking about?” Nevertheless, the two girls are more than happy to fight over this dense loser.

— Outside the enemy stronghold, Elicia wishes Takanori had awaken too. Meanwhile, Clive claims that he has a new name, and he’s not yet ready to make his presence known to his old buddies. What do I even say to that?  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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