Shichisei no Subaru Ep. 7: Weak pull out game

In this week’s episode, Haruto fails to retrieve his manhood from the bottom of the ocean over and over. Amazing! 

— The episode starts off with Asahi and Satsuki frolicking in the ocean, ’cause why not?

— They soon enlist help from a pirate lady. She proceeds to sail them out to the middle of the L-L-Lost Pentagoooooon! I think this is supposed to be analogous to the Bermuda Triangle, but to avoid plagiarizing, the author used a different polygon to name his stinkin’ patch of ocean.

— I also like how the pirate lady appears to operate another ship all by her lonesome.

— So what are we doing out here? Well, there are rumors of an unbreakable sword at the bottom of the sea, and we all know how all rumors are true.

— Re’Union is full of needlessly realistic mechanics, but when it comes to diving into the ocean, all that you need is HP. Can’t you just chug HP potions to keep yourself underwater indefinitely? Whatever, it’s not important.

— At first, the trio can’t find the legendary unbreakable sword, but they quickly remember that Asahi is a walkin’, talkin’ cheat code. She quickly shows them the way.

— Not only does the unbreakable sword exist, it’s Haruto’s old sword! So when they failed the quest that day six years ago, his sword somehow ended at the bottom of the ocean? How on Earth does that work?

— Thus far, everyone has failed to pull the sword out, but Haruto soon discovers that he won’t even get the chance to pull out! Why? ‘Cause the sword ain’t stuck at the bottom of the ocean at all. Instead, it’s stuck in a massive sea serpent! There’s a dick joke in here somewhere, but I can’t find it…

— Anyways, the sea serpent is about to swallow Asahi whole when Clive suddenly shows up and saves her hide. They all escape to the surface, but when they do, they soon discover that Clive has already fled the scene. Welp.

— There’s a lame flashback about how Clive likes to march to the beat of his own drum. It sounds like he even quit the guild at one point just to fight against his pals. I don’t know if this actually happened though, because the flashback just kinda ends.

— Instead, we return to the real world to see Haruto and Satsuki meeting up with Takanori. The second third of the episode basically involves these three sitting around a table, pounding us into the ground with exposition. I guess after last week’s explosive action, Lerche needed to save some money.

— It’s a long, boring scene. First, Satsuki orders a lot of desserts. Second, Takanori thinks that a super secretive guild out there is pulling all the strings! They can even scare you into keeping quiet in real life! Oooooh! Remember, kids, MMORPGs are serious business. Third, all of their gear was gone when they logged into Re’Union! What’s up with that! Fourth, Takanori thinks Asahi’s body is still being kept alive out there! Last but not least, Takanori has been trying to locate Nozomi, because he’s mega tsundere! Phew, we’re all done. One long, boring exposition scene out of the way.

— In the last third of the episode, Haruto and his girls try again to retrieve his precious sword, but his pull out game continues to be sorely lacking. That’s when Clive shows up and offers his assistance. For some odd reason, the pirate lady does not look pleased. Hm.

— So with their combined powers, these old friends manage to freeze the giant sea serpent in ice. Everyone knows how cold can affect shrinkage!

— Haruto walks up to finally pull his sword out once and for all, but that’s when Clive suddenly stabs him in the back. Boy, Asahi sure didn’t see that coming! Her eyes, however, do turn yellow as she lets out one of the worst anime screams of all time. This is why you don’t hire grown-ass women then ask them to pretend to be little children. It’s just ear-rape, man.

— Checking the internet, it doesn’t look as though Asahi’s VA has had any notable roles. Welp, Shichisei no Subaru ain’t gonna change that either.

— As the hero slowly bleeds out, the credits suddenly roll. But honestly, the chances of Haruto getting a gameover in the seventh episode is infinitesimally small. I wonder if the pirate leader will have something to do with next week’s events.

— Anyways, boring episode is boring.

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