Ulysses – Jeanne d’Arc to Renkin no Kishi Ep. 5: Like a virgin

No, don’t! 

— So the good guys must first liberate Orleans, but they don’t have enough troops on their side. Charlotte is just pouting instead of taking the reins as the ruler that she supposedly is. As a result, it falls upon Richemont to return to Brittany and ask for her brother’s help. Unfortunately, it seems as though her brother is more concerned about his harem than ending this war with France still intact.

Who knew a dude like this would be such a ladies’ man?

— Basically, Richemont’s brother doesn’t have confidence in France winning this war. As a result, he doesn’t want Brittany to be severely punished by England in the aftermath of the war. Eh, fair enough. Montmorency and Jeanne haven’t really made a name for themselves. They have yet to win a single battle. It only makes sense that few people would believe in their chances of victory.

— Afterwards, Richemont goes to a tavern and has her drink spiked for men who feel that Brittany should remain independent. Okay, sure, but why do you gotta tie her up and attempt to rape her? Poor Richemont, man. She just keeps getting groped over and over in this series. Luckily, she does get rescued before the guy goes too far, but you could argue that he already has.

— Richemont bitterly complains about her brother, but some woman — I don’t know her name — defends him. He might not want to ally himself with Charlotte, but he also won’t hand Richemont over to some Lord Bedford. I assume that this is the English dude who also groped Richemont. Anyways, I guess that’s the silver lining. Richemont won’t get her 2,000 troops, but she does have a brother who cares about her.

— In an attempt to boost morale, we see Jeanne brandish the Joyeuse. Apparently, it’s a big deal. I just remember it being a neat sword back when I played Final Fantasy XI. A pain in the butt to acquire, too. Astaroth suddenly informs our heroes, however, that the Joyeuse is forged from a philosopher’s stone. Right…

— So La Tremoille returns to the castle and proclaims his innocence. He also has something else to announce: he wants to conduct a virginity test on Jeanne. Of course, Montmorency won’t allow this for obvious reasons.

— Richemont returns empty-handed and feels like a failure as a result. Montmorency tells her to relax and let him take care of things, but why do I get the feeling that she won’t?

— We then see shots of people getting mad at Jeanne for not taking the test. No one else is spared from their wrath either. For instance, they are also mad at Richemont for securing absolutely zero troops. Yeesh, Montmorency needs to hire a PR person.

— Meanwhile, La Tremoille is laying all these weird tools down on a table. Obviously, the virginity test is more like torture.

— Jeanne naively wants to take the test, because she’s blaming herself for their inability to move forward towards Orleans. Luckily, she has enough people on her side to tell her what a bad idea this is.

— Unfortunately, Charlotte goes and takes her anger out on Richemont and her family instead. She’s a pretty bad ruler. Until Montmorency arrived, all she did was cry in her chambers. And now, she drives away one of her closest friends. In this desperate time, why would you piss off an ally?

— Elsewhere, Montmorency declares to Jeanne that he won’t every lose his “inner purity” either. This way, he can always support the girl. Right… I guess they’ll just be one of those weirdo couples that only kiss.

— So the two of them embrace, which Richemont happens to spot from the distance. This causes her to storm off and resign from her post as a general. That’s kinda hilarious. I mean, what’s the big deal? It’s just a hug. Moreover, it’s silly that she’s this hung-up on Montmorency.

— And as Richemont leaves, she thinks to herself that she’s running away because she couldn’t offer her purity to Montmorency. Uh, as far as I know, she’s still a virgin as well unless she misrepresented what had happened between her and that creepy dude. Look, being groped doesn’t make you dirty or impure. I can’t believe something like that even needs to be said. Whatever, these ladies are being way too dramatic.

— When it rains, it pours: La Hire also says she’s out. She won’t risk the lives of her men. Montmorency’s plan to save France is falling apart before it even could even get started.

— Later that night, he has to confront a throng of angry people demanding to check on a girl’s hymen. No, really. Montmorency tries to have Astaroth pose as an archangel, but La Tremoille quickly corrects his step-brother on that account.

— Y’know, maybe Montmorency should stop dressing like a wannabe magician. People might stop calling him a heretic if he stopped looking the part.

— Montmorency won’t allow the soldiers on his side to retaliate. As a result, he just eats the crowd’s punishment instead. And finally, we get mean, pissed off Jeanne, i.e. Jeanne Alter. Not only that, she’s also armed with the Joyeuse, so I guess that makes her extra powerful? And you know what?

— I like how the guy who has Montmorency at the tip of his blade suddenly decides to try and fight Jeanne instead. T-that’s not how you use a hostage. Also, do you not see Jeanne beating everyone else up? What do you think you can do with only one free arm?

— So of course, Jeanne gets her precious Montmorency back. She then quickly passes out, because her three minutes are up. I wish Jeanne Alter could stick around more often. Regular Jeanne is so lame and childish (to be fair, she is a child).

— Montmorency then cradles the unconscious Jeanne in her arms and goes on and on about how awesome she is. Somehow, this works on the angry crowd.

— In the aftermath, we learn that more crappily-animated 3-D knights have joined the cause as a result of Jeanne wielding the Joyeuse. So I guess that’s something.

— Right before Jeanne Alter had passed out, she claimed that she would take the virginity test. I guess that never came to fruition? It’s not that I want her to, but it’s funny how everyone just kinda forgot about it.

— As Montmorency and Jeanne leave for Orleans, Astaroth tells them that a person can only use one philosopher’s stone at a time. This will probably set Montmorency up to takeover the mythical sword? I mean, he’s gotta become useful at some point, right? All he’s good for right now is dispensing elixir.

— When they exit the castle, they are greeted by a loud, cheering crowd. Montmorency briefly thinks he can see Richemont standing among them, but he’s just imagining things. It’s kinda lame, isn’t it? They were reunited for two whole episodes, but he’ll probably have to go save her again at some later point in the series.

— Elsewhere, Philip puts on a black, horned helmet and goes nuts. Yeah, she’ll become that woman whom we see Jeanne fighting in the OP. Somehow, wearing a black helmet gives you larger breasts.

— The preview for next week’s episode gives Philip a new name: Ulysses Noire. In other words, the black Ulysses. Uh-huh.

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