This would almost be metal if it wasn’t so censored. 

— Montmorency and Jeanne eventually reach Orleans, where they find the French army being partly commanded by a trap. Why? Because Charlotte is a terrible, terrible person. Yeah, she wanted an imouto, so Batard has been cross-dressing ever since. So why are we here in Orleans again? Fighting to liberate the city so that we can crown the princess? Right…

— Well, at least Jeanne has found a kindred spirit.

— Oh, okay. So Charlotte traumatized Batard so badly that the guy now recoils whenever a woman tries to touch him. He’ll still cross-dress, though. I mean, our quota…

— Then we have Richemont’s younger brother Alencon. For better or worse, he’s a little more serious-minded than everyone else. On the one hand, we do still have a war to fight. On the other hand, he’s not too pleased that his big sis has abandoned her knighthood. In fact, we still don’t know where she’s gone.

— More importantly, Alencon doesn’t want Jeanne’s help. Is it because he doesn’t think she’s strong. Nah, he just doesn’t think it’s chivalrous. I’m afraid I live in an era too far removed from the code of chivalry to really take his concerns seriously. If Jeanne can save lives, then let her do what she wants.

— Apparently, the guy has a chip on his shoulder, because Richemont is so accomplished. I’m afraid I can’t really say what she’s accomplished. It’s been nothing but a non-stop disaster for nearly everybody ever since this series started.

— Alencon then rides off into battle alone, hoping that a victory will catapult him to fame and prestige. Seems kinda foolish.

— Everyone always thinks God is on their side. Nobody ever asks why God would care.

— Alencon isn’t having too much trouble… until he runs into Philip as the Dark Ulysses. She proceeds to take him out in a single move.

— So uh, why did becoming a Dark Ulysses give Philip a giant rack? I mean, the same thing sure as hell didn’t happen to Jeanne. Oh right, it’s because she’s evil. Whether or not you’re actually sinful doesn’t really matter. If you have large breasts, you automatically have a sinful body according to some people. This is probably why Jeanne is flat-chested. Sure, sure, they want to meet the pettanko quota. But there’s also the fact that she’s a saint, so she has to be pure.

— Jeanne then challenges Philip to a duel. Do they both operate under the three-minute limit? We better not waste our time on useless introductions, then.

— Yeah, this doesn’t look so hot.

— Jeanne eventually proves to be too fast for Philip. Maybe those things are weighing her down. Outstanding design on that top, though. I mean, these two are moving around at superhuman speeds and yet it has stayed firmly in place this entire time!

— Like any recurring villain, however, Philip has just enough speed to escape to fight another day. Lame. I don’t really care for either her or Dark Ulysses, so it would’ve been nice if our heroine could’ve been able to finish the job. But I guess Montmorency wouldn’t like that.

— Even now, Alencon refuses Montmorency’s help. Man, he’s just like his sister. They’re both temperamental and useless in battle.

— Back in Paris, the Duke of Bedford isn’t exactly shaking in his boots at the thought of having to fight Jeanne, because… uh, apparently England has a history of hunting monsters. Haha, don’t ask me.

— If you forget who the Duke of Bedford is, he’s the guy who assaulted Richemont and still wants her body to this day. Since Philip couldn’t get the job done, he now turns to Glasdale, some mercenary with a really, really giant crossbow. Normally, you wouldn’t try to use a crossbow against someone as small and agile as Jeanne, but who knows? Maybe they’ll find some way to slow her down.

— Speaking of which, is Philip stuck like this now? Does she now perpetually wear red lipstick that sparkles in the dark?

— The next day, Jeanne gets to ride through the city and listen to the adoring crowd. She starts to feel a bit insecure, because she knows deep down that she isn’t really a saint. Well, I guess that depends on how you define saintliness.

— And before you know it, she and Montmorency are racking up victories much to Alencon’s chagrin. So… when are things going to take a turn for the worse? Y’know it’s gonna happen.

— When the girl wants his elixir, she just goes and gets it. She’s a total junkie, and Montmorency pretty much has no choice in the matter. Speaking of which, doesn’t Philip need a constant influx of the elixir as well? Does she have someone else to make more of it for her? Or do things work differently for a Dark Ulysses?

— Even at night, these two share a bed. C’mon, saints don’t do that, Montmorency.

— He starts to worry that his attraction to Jeanne is growing, so Astaroth offers a solution. Apparently, you can summon forth a hottie from the philosopher’s stone, and once you tap that, you’ll never go back to boring human girls!

— But of course, the guy refuses because he doesn’t just want sex. He needs true ruv~!

— A dissatisfied Astaroth then flies away without saying a word. What’s her problem? Was the hottie supposed to be her? Is she offended by his rejection?

— Unfortunately, there are downsides to having a saint on your side. Y’see, they start becoming fanatics. The next morning, we see the townspeople start marching to battle, because they don’t even care if they die. They assume that they’ll ascend to heaven, so who cares if the battle turns out badly! Sadly, this war was a lost cause up until now, so damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

— Alencon wants to use this diversion to score a victory even if this means leaving the townspeople to die. But of course, Jeanne has a bleeding heart so she wants to save everyone. Well, she wouldn’t be much of a saint if she didn’t.

— This, however, means that Jeanne will be walking into a losing battle. As powerful as she is within that three-minute timeframe, she isn’t invincible. Not by a long shot.

— Batard is as dumb as his cousin. He worries that if they lose Orleans, the English troops will rape him. I mean, sure, that could happen. But I think there are bigger concerns to worry about.

— Montmorency tries to tell Jeanne to calm down, but he can’t stop her. I guess it doesn’t matter if she’s in her Ulysses form or not. He doesn’t really have much control over her either way.

— The battle is initially going in France’s favor, because the townspeople’s fervor is just that strong. But that’s when Glasdale announces his arrival and boasts that he’ll be the one to slay Jeanne.

— Right off the bat, Jeanne heads straight for Glasdale. As expected, she’s normally too fast for him to hit with his crossbow. But for some reason, she leaves her flank completely unguarded. This allows Philip to surprise-attack Jeanne and pin the girl against a stone wall.

— Glasdale never intended to hit Jeanne with the first shot anyways. And now that Philip has Jeanne completely immobilized, he takes out his real weapon: an arrow that is apparently carved from a philosopher’s stone.

— So what’s so special about this arrow? It can prevent a Ulysses’ organ from regenerating. With it, he pierces both Jeanne and Philip’s hearts.

— By the way, I thought you put bolts into crossbows. Oh well, it doesn’t matter what the anime calls it.

— Philip’s so messed up that she would willingly die here. Hell, she’s been waiting to die. I guess she just never had the courage to kill herself (also, I guess suicide is technically a sin).

— Meanwhile, we have Jeanne who is afraid of death, because she apparently doesn’t want to be separated from Montmorency. But despite his pleas (“YAMEROOOOO~!!!!), the skewered hearts eventually explode (why?), so both girls’ bodies become lifeless.

— Montmorency still can’t believe that Jeanne is dead. Both Astaroth and Batard are telling him to get his act together, but he’s just inconsolable. Meanwhile, without their saint, the French army is now running away from battle. Glasdale commands his men to rip the philosopher’s stone out of Jeanne’s body, but luckily, Alencon gets to her before anyone else could.

— Whatever, we both know neither of them are gonna stay dead. Not in the sixth damn episode. This would all be very tragic if I could believe for one second that Jeanne just got offed for good, but I’m sure we’ll figure out a way for both girls to return to battle eventually. That’s the problem with these “cliffhangers.” This isn’t Game of Thrones, where people can actually die in shocking fashion and stay dead. Maybe Jeanne won’t survive this entire story once it is all said and done, but there’s just no way that a typical anime heroine would ever kick the bucket midway through a series.

— So Montmorency can be as shocked as he wants, but his emotions won’t resonate with me. I feel nothing for him, ’cause I know he’ll get his flat-chested haremette back in no time flat.

— I do wonder what he’s gonna do, though. The problem with Montmorency is that he’s so underwhelming as a partner to Jeanne. He doesn’t appear to do anything. Sure, he’s probably providing the brains behind her brawn, but the anime has done a poor job of conveying that. As a result, the hero seems like he’s completely useless. But hey, now that Jeanne is sidelined for an indeteriminate amount of time, Montmorency is going to have to pull some sort of miracle out of nowhere.

— Maybe Montmorency’ll revive Jeanne without a heart, thus rendering her even more inhuman than before. But that sounds like a bad idea. It was hard enough to convince people that she’s a saint. Do you now want Jeanne running around as a heartless zombie? Yeah, sure, Jesus was also a zombie but…

— Maybe Montmorency’ll fashion Jeanne a new heart via alchemy… but that’s kinda lame, too.

— Maybe Montmorency’ll make the ultimate sacrifice and give Jeanne his heart. But then what will he do without one? Eh, be a zombie. It’s not like he needs to be a saint. He already kinda has a bad reputation. And even though girls are throwing themselves at Montmorency left and right, it seems as though there’s no stopping this canon pairing of him and Jeanne. After all, they’ve also been locking lips and sleeping in the same bed every night (“But we totally don’t have sex, wink wink.”). He may as well take the final step and just seal the deal.

— According to the preview for next week’s episode, it sounds like we’ll be paying Brittany a visit. Maybe Richemont’s there? Oh well.