Oh look, the main character is haunted by his failure to save his waifu. It’s okay, dude. Like with Goblin Slayer, it’s not a matter of if but when. When will Jeanne return to the story? Maybe not this episode, but…

Reads that the title for next week’s episode is “The Return of the Female Saint.”

Oh for fu-…

— Right off the bat, Alencon tells Montmorency that Jeanne isn’t dead. Astaroth then explains that as long as her head is in one piece, then there’s always a chance to revive her. Basically, she’s in a coma…? I mean, okay, she’s a sweet girl and all that, but what you’ve just described sounds like a monster.

— Wait, what? “Escalibor?”

— Okay, so it sounded like some weird bastardized version of Excalibur, but apparently, there’s just a special philosopher’s stone that can heal almost anything. I dunno, I feel like this show relies too much on these magical stones. In fact, for a self-proclaimed alchemist knight, Montmorency has kinda done jack all when it comes to alchemy.

— Plus, if it’s this easy to revive Jeanne, then Glasdale kinda sucks at his job. Both Jeanne and Philip were sitting ducks. He could’ve shot them in their heads and guarantee that they would never return.

— Alencon volunteers to retrieve the Escalibor for Montmorency, but they need manpower for the rest of the war. Even if they revive Jeanne, they can’t win alone. As a result, he suggests that our hero swallow his pride and beg for help from his grandfather. So basically, it sounds like France has a ton of troops just scattered across the kingdom, but it just doesn’t have the right leader to pull the fragmented nobles together. Usually, people are proud to fight for their countries, but not here. More specifically, it’s not a good look for Charlotte. Even now, you have to wonder what exactly she’s doing to help with the war.

— Oh man, even Astaroth is going with Alencon, so Montmorency is going to be completely alone. Nah, who am I kidding? He’s going to find himself a whole new haremette when he returns home.  Yet another childhood friend, probably.

— I still don’t understand why he has to wear that silly, floppy hat.

— This is the new girl? C’mon, she looks like she’s 12. Then again, so did Jeanne…

— As soon as Catherine sees Montmorency, she calls him her onii-sama. Oh man, so she’s his sister?! Probably not blood-related. Still gross, though. You shouldn’t marry step-siblings if you grew up with them.

— We then see Jean, Montmorency’s grandfather, skulking around a battlefield, looting jewelry from the dead bodies? That sounds heinous. Anyways, the old man has rather wild facial hair.

— The old man then agrees to give Montmorency all the soldiers that he needs, but in order to do so, he must marry the girl. Uh…

— Apparently, Catherine’s family is very rich. So uh, why is she acting like a maid around this place?

— Oh, okay. They’re just cousins. Still feels inbred-ish. Plus, uh, do cousins refer to each other as oniichan or whatever in Japan?

— Aw, family reunions are always so much fun.

— Afterwards, Montmorency apologizes to Catherine for this whole mess as if she wouldn’t actually want to marry him. Give me a break, dude. This lonely girl seems to have no social life. She just tends to this place and thinks about Montmorency. She’s exactly the type of one-dimensional female characters that you see all the time in anime. They don’t exist for themselves. They only exist for the main character.

— Our hero’s primary reason for rejecting the marriage is because they’re cousins. As a result, it would be sinful or whatever. I guess his grandfather wouldn’t care about that since he just loves money. But still, how does he intend for Montmorency to inherit all that money if, uh, it’s a crime to marry your cousin?

— I also don’t understand why he even wants Montmorency to be rich so badly. Catherine’s his granddaughter too, right? Isn’t it enough that she’s rich? Or does she not get to touch any of it unless she gets married?

— Catherine then boldly declares that she wants Montmorency’s baby. Girl, he’s got deadbeat father written all over him. One day, he’ll tell you that he needs a cigarette, then he’ll disappear for seven years just to come back with some loli farm girl.

— We’re now getting a bit of Catherine’s backstory, and uh… it’s kinda silly. Like everything else in this anime, I guess. But look, the guy wanted to hitch his grandson to a rich family, but all of his fiancees kept dying! Look, old man, if you wanna protect your investments, maybe don’t lock them up in a cold, desolate tower! So countless girls have died as a result of this idiot’s negligence. Ah well, evil’s gonna evil.

— So wait, even after she was freed from the tower, she still willingly serves Jean? For what? For the hero’s eventual return? Pfft. Like I said, characters like Catherine only exist to serve the main character. It’s so pathetic.

— Not in Shelbyville!

— So Montmorency embraced the girl and told her that he’ll always protect her, and just like that, she fell in love with him forever. Sure, whatever. Actually, he keeps making promises he can’t keep. Name one haremette that he has managed to protect. You can’t, because he hasn’t. In fact, the state of his harem is in disarray. Jeanne is practically dead, Richemont is missing, Charlotte is functionally useless, and Philip is haunted by her dead father.

— What follows are scenes of Montmorency and Catherine growing up together. Nothing too interesting here. Plus, you can’t really argue that the girl is all that important to him. First, Montmorency has made absolutely no mention of Catherine in the past six episodes. Second, it sounds like he would never returned home had Alencon not pushed him to do so. I can’t help but conclude that he had no plans to ever reunite with Catherine despite the fact that she’s stuck acting as a servant for Jean.

— Oh hey, there’s Richemont! She’s just been hanging around at her home. Not only that, like any good and proper haremette, all she does is think about Montmorency!

— She asks herself what she would even do if she went and saw him. Just be like all of the other girls, I guess. Every single one of them wants to jump his bones.

— Meanwhile, we see La Hire fighting against Glasdale’s men, but he doesn’t seem to care too much about it. Hey, he already did his job and killed Jeanne (not really). Anyways, this is all Charlotte’s doing. So I guess she’s kinda helping.

— Boobs are hollow! I knew it!

— Unlike Jeanne, the Dark Ulysses can apparently heal herself back up without any additional assistance. That’s convenient. But I mean, you’re just fooling yourself if you thought she was dead for good.

— Jean once again tries to convince Montmorency to marry Catherine. He’s not so bright, because he’s wasted years on this silly project. He looks like he’s pretty able-bodied. He could’ve spawned a countless number of heirs by now to marry off to rich families. But instead, he put all his eggs in one eccentric basket, and now he has nothing to show for himself.

— Montmorency then pulls a sword on Jean, and the old man even believes that his grandson would’ve kill him. But you’d be silly to think that an anime protagonist would ever murder his family. I don’t think that kinda thing would fly. Too taboo. When was the last time a protagonist murdered his own family in anime? Not a villain, but a protagonist.

— Afterwards, Nicolas Flamel suddenly shows up before Jean out of nowhere. Is this guy even human?

— Anyways, we learned that he had advised Jean to kill his own grandson. Something about Montmorency bringing calamity to this world. I dunno, he seems kinda useless to me.

— I’m supposed to believe that Jean refused to do as he was told, because somewhere deep inside him, he loves Montmorency or something. Sure.

— Finally, Montmorency tells Catherine the truth: even if he wanted to marry her, he couldn’t. He had already promised Jeanne that the two of them would remain virgins forever and ever. Haha, whatever.

— Catherine’s not wrong; she, too, is all alone like Jeanne. Hell, Montmorency just left his so-called sister here. Why doesn’t she deserve his love? It doesn’t sound like our hero has an answer for her.

— Meanwhile, Jean’s just standing outside the tower with his sword beside him. What? Is he going to kill Montmorency if the guy doesn’t lose his virginity tonight? These crazy characters.

— In the morning, Montmorency finally leaves the tower and tells his grandfather that he’s leaving with the troops. How? Because Catherine will do anything for her man, so she would even lie and pretend that they had made love that night. Yeesh.

— Basically, Catherine determines that Montmorency loves Jeanne, and he can’t really disagree.

— As Montmorency disappears into the distance, we cut to Jeanne crying painfully in her tower. So what’s going to happen to Catherine? Is she just going to stay trapped here forever? Will Montmorency even remember to come save her when this series is all said and done? This is why I hate it when these stories carelessly conjure up these characters. They often get discarded once their time in the spotlight is over.