Goodbye, Lara is a take on the classic fairy tale by Hans Christian Andersen. Let’s get the obvious out of the way, which is that I love the vintage visuals. Very neat to see. The story, however… I dunno, half of it is so vague, and the other half seems purposefully designed to tick me off. The basic scaffolding is all there. Lara is intrigued by humans, but her father warns her to stay away from them. A horrible witch tempts her into drinking a potion that would give her human legs, but it also steals her voice. She has to find true love before she turns into foam, yadda yadda yadda. Most of us should know the basic gist of “The Little Mermaid.” But what works for a short fairy tale doesn’t necessarily work in a much longer story with presumably much more fleshed out characters.

For instance, Lara’s dad simply insists that humans are bad. I’m sure they are. I’m a human, and I can attest to that. But he doesn’t explain anything to her. He doesn’t try to educate her. Instead, he repeats himself like a broken record. Again, in a short fairy tale, this is fine. You just want to get the message across. In a multi-episode series? Naw, man. That’s annoying. Like any teenager, Lara naturally questions her father. She simply wants to know why humans are so gosh darn bad. Duurrrr, even asking that question makes you sinful! So he throws her in jail, but doesn’t have anyone watch over her. As a result, the evil witch Grace gets primo alone time with the girl to work her manipulation. So of course, tragedy unfolds. I’m sorry, but that just ticks me off. Yes, I can’t expect fairy tales to have rational actors, but we’re not in a fairy tale anymore.

To adapt the story for a much longer format, certain details have been added. Grace is very obsessed with the prophecy of some princess? Something about “Her late majesty?” Her sister? For some reason, Lara even associating with humans at all results in the mermaids being cursed. So while Lara was gone — turned to foam — calamity strikes the kingdom. Everything is now in ruins. But why? What’s the connection between her individual actions and the fate of the entire mermaid kingdom? It’s okay though, because her family and her people are not dead yet! They’re just all asleep, apparently…? According to Grace, anyway. We already know she’s a liar. Who knows if anything she says can be trusted? And what’s with the light that came out of the dying Lara? Just her soul on its way to be reincarnated or is there something more to it?

Nevertheless, a freshly reincarnated Lara is now tasked with trying to save her people. She’s already found true love. We’ve moved on from that. Now it’s about family! Or is it? ‘Cause Lara is soon ejected from the ocean and ends back on the surface. This time, however, she encounters a Japanese school girl, who proceeds to deliver a mean left hook. Eh, maybe this will end up being yuri. If that’s the case, good for them! Let’s just hope that punch isn’t a sign of, well, future toxicity. Considering how her prince pulled a sword on her, however, it can’t get much worse.

But I dunno, I’m already not really into fairy tales. They’re just not my thing. The Little Mermaid isn’t exactly at the top of my favorite Disney cartoons either. Beyond that, I feel like the story is deliberately too vague about the nature of the mermaid’s existence. Sure, they’re planting the seeds for future revelations, but I think this is being done in a clumsy, exasperating way. I really, really hate how her father acted. “You’re sinful, but I still love you!” Man, shut the fuck up. You could’ve done way more to prevent this. Ugh, I’m getting mad again. In any case, I already have plenty of Sunday shows I wanna focus on. I’ll still follow this show, but on a more casual level.

Next up is Let’s Go Kaiki-gumi. Despite our protagonist’s looks — wide, boxy shoulders and a square jaw — he is quite the scaredy cat. This personality trait, however, is exactly what makes him useful to the deuteragonist Mechako (not her real name), because she belongs to an organization that is responsible for scaring people. Unfortunately, ever since her father died, they’ve been slowly losing members. As a result, scary stories aren’t proliferating anymore. Okay, odd premise. Feels like an anime Monsters Inc, actually. Point is, Mechako doesn’t scare easily, so she doesn’t know how to scare others. She needs a scaredy cat like the protagonist to show her what actually sends chills down people’s spines. Right, well, this is a comedy, so go ahead. Make me laugh.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I cracked a smile once during the entire first episode. At one point, a muscular man wearing nothing but a loincloth challenges our protagonist to try and touch… uh, the loincloth? So he tries to do so, but to everyone else, it looks like he’s just talking to and gesturing towards no one. That’s it. That’s the scene. Am I supposed to laugh at this? Plus, what happened to the horror element? I guess loincloth man is technically a spirit, but that’s pretty weak. Another scene has the protagonist and Mechako debating how to make an ordinary set of stairs seem crazy. They eventually fall down the stairs together, which triggers a local woman to cause a scene. Um, okay? Am I missing something? Where’s the punchline? What’s the punchline? I would like to say Japanese comedy is very different from the kind I’m used to, but even with that caveat, I still feel like this show doesn’t deliver. Ah well, what do I know? In any case, just one less show to watch. The middle child is always so disappointing. Maybe the youngest won’t disappoint!

Oh, it’s a cooking show. And technically, Iron Wok Jan is the oldest series here, a fact which the anime insists upon you — insists. Right before the credits roll, the narrator starts talking about the sarin gas attack to help distinguish the decade from which this series was born. That’s wild, man. And as you can imagine, the cooking techniques on display here are just as over-the-top. For instance, the protagonist — the titular Jan — starts juggling pipin’ hot rice and tofu in order to draw out excess moisture. The only thing this show doesn’t have are the characters creaming their pants every time they eat something delicious. No, this isn’t Food Wars! It’s just a bunch of scowling chefs mean-mugging each other while whipping up supposedly amazing Chinese food. They’re probably just grumpy because it’s the 90s, i.e. the start of the “Lost Decades.” That’s why the narrator was giving us a history lesson!

Jokes aside, I have a bone to pick with Jan. Yeah, he’s a huge dick who keeps turning everything — even a staff lunch — into a competition. The female deuteragonist made a dish with veal tripe? Well, I can make an even better dish with pig’s liver! Bro, it’s lunch; just shut up and eat your damn food. Did your grandfather not socialize you properly? Were you never allowed to interact with kids your own age…? I think Jan needs a therapist more than anything. Wait, let me read up on this grandfather of his. According to Wikipedia…

Kaiichiro raised Jan until his tastebuds began to fail, at which point he sent Jan to Gobancho and committed suicide by self-immolation.

Holy shit, they’re certifiably insane! But believe it or not, that’s not even the part that truly bugs me. What I find dumb is that he ordered fried rice, disapproves of it, then proceeds to dump what he didn’t eat into the trash. Nah, man. Fucker just wasted food. It might not be up to his standards, but that’s a no go for me.

To add insult to injury, he shows them up by making his version of fried rice, but it requires dried scallops. If you wanna impress, you gotta make the same thing but better. He didn’t make basic fried rice. He made seafood fried rice. It doesn’t prove anything if you just throw expensive ingredients in there. If I make mac and cheese, then you follow it up with lobster mac and cheese with shaved Perigord truffles, does that prove you’re a better cook? Or that you have a bigger wallet? It’s an extreme example, but I hope that illustrates my point.

I dunno if I’ll even casually watch this. Jan’s really, really unlikable so far.