Pretty please? Pretty, pretty please?

• When the episode starts, somehow we’re back in the real world. Seriously, I don’t remember how or why we’re here at all. I could rewatch the previous episode, but who the hell would wanna rewatch a Mahou Sensou episode? So I guess my confusion will just have to suffice.

• That animation though:

By the way, Twilight is no longer Eterna. Her name is now… *drumroll* …Nightmare! And she’s even in chains now just in case the audience hasn’t realized that Gekkou is evil and shit. Wow, very edgy. So dark. Much scared.

• Nightmare then proceeds to kick our hero’s ass, but Gekkou calls her away just before she could land the finishing blow. Y’know, just standard villain stuff. And like all villains, Gekkou now climbs onto his podium to reveal earth-shattering revelations. Did you know… that both brothers are wrong about the events surrounding Gekkou’s accident from three years ago? They both initially thought that Takeshi had shoved his brother in front of the moving car, but it turns out this wasn’t the case at all! According to Gekkou, their mother had asked Bishop, Camelot’s leader, to kill Gekkou! Yes, one former magician asked another (presumably) magician to murder her youngest son, so the other (presumably) magician devised a cunning plan in which he’ll simply shove the kid in front of a moving car. Ah, the world’s greatest mage assassin! He always gets the job done!

I mean — and this may sound crazy — did he ever consider, y’know, using magic to kill Gekkou? Or how about that “I’ll trap you in a box then teleport said box to the bottom of the ocean” bullshit that we saw in an earlier episode? But instead — and with magic at his fingertips — our wannabe assassin decided that the best way to kill a kid was to shove him in front of a moving car. Real?

• Should we even care to answer Takeshi’s question at this point? The astounding stupidity of the assassination attempt itself is enough to render me completely apathetic to this apparently shocking plot twist. But just in case you guys are curious, Gekkou tells his brother that even he couldn’t figure this part out. Welp.

• We then get a flashback where we learn Takeshi’s mom has been having nightmares where she sees Gekkou becoming Kazuma. The plot twists! They just keep coming!

• Takeshi then asks Gekkou how he could hurt his own mother. Y’know, this is right after Gekkou had just revealed to our hero that his own mother tried to have him killed. Look, Gekkou is still a creepy asshole who wants to rape Kurumi. Nothing’s changed on that front. But to be fair, I think he has a pretty good reason to hate his mom if he’s telling the truth.

• The animation, man, the animation. Here’s Gekkou standing right in front of Takeshi:

In another cut, they’re still pretty much standing in the same place:

But when Gekkou gets mad and launches an attack at Takeshi, all logic goes flying out the window:

Now they’re standing nowhere near each other. And not only that, the street Takeshi’s standing in is freaking gigantic in the latest screenshot. See, this is laziness. A show like Samurai Flamenco may not be to your liking, and that’s fine, but its writing is anything but lazy. Mahou Sensou, on the other hand, is lazy, and it needs a fucking rocket up its own ass.

• And the writing’s lazy too: “The Gekkou standing before me is who Gekkou is now.”

• So Takeshi charges up his sword, which causes it to crack…

…thereby revealing an even greater sword!

It no longer has a cross-guard but I’m sure Takeshi will manage.

• Madhouse then treats us to an amazing spectacle of white and purplish-black ejaculate flying at each other at supersonic speeds:

I lost faith in Madhouse’s anime adaptations after Moryo no Hako and Aoi Bungaku, but watching Mahou Sensou has finally set me straight. That’s why I can’t personally wait to watch Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei!

• Then in the middle of their battle, mages from both sides of the war appear out of nowhere. Again, what happened to the Trailers headquarters and why are we all here in the real world, floating high above Takeshi’s home?

Seriously.

• But nothing really changes as Takeshi and Gekkou continue to fight each other one on one.

• Until Gekkou starts crying crocodile tears, and this is enough to get Takeshi to lower his guard.

Boy, anime protagonists will never learn, will they?

• And naturally, Kurumi has the time to scream out Takeshi’s name, fly all the way to his location, and plant herself right in front of Gekkou’s attack… before either guy can react. Yep, Takeshi doesn’t move an inch, and Gekkou couldn’t stay his sword. Kurumi is just that fast, son.

As if Takeshi isn’t already enraged enough over the death of his own mother, he now snaps because his faux-girlfriend has taken a mortal(?) blow. But of course, Kurumi has something she needs to tell Takeshi… and it’s something we don’t get to hear! Yes, amazing revelations left and right, but we don’t get to hear this one even though it’s the last fucking episode.

• Instead, we get to watch the two brothers continue to scream each other’s names. Meanwhile, Kurumi has already told her secret to Mui, who proceeds to just sit there and cry. I repeat, she just sits there and cries. She keeps muttering, “Please… stop this…” but she does nothing but fucking sit there.

• And out of nowhere, the injured headmistress of Subaru Academy shows up. Well, not really. She’s floating off in the distance, watching everything unfold. Yes, her own allies and students are dying, and yes, we’ve gotten no explanation whatsoever where she’s been this entire time and how she’s managed to find her way here. But don’t worry, ’cause she won’t hesitate to feed us exposition by talking to no one in particular about how the two brothers are starting to lose control of their powers.

• Our headmistress then shoots off a black ball of magical energy into the center of the city, leaving behind nothing but a giant crater. Elsewhere, Kazuma and V pay Takeshi’s mom a visit… right before they reveal yet another pair of shocking revelations! First, Kazuma is really Takeshi…?

And secondly, V is really Kurumi? Oh boy, time-traveling in my anime!

• Anyway, we finally return to Takeshi, and he finds himself back at Subaru Academy. But everything’s still intact! Off in the distance, he spots a familiar-looking teacher:

We… we’ve gone back in time!

But… there’s Kazuma:

But we also just saw Kazuma refer to Takeshi’s mother as his own mother in the scene right before this one:

Not only that, Gekkou’s here too! Right before the episode ends, Takeshi thinks back to what his mother had wanted to tell him in last week’s episode. Y’know, that important thing she needed to say but he cut her off? He then goes, “Mother must have…,” but the episode promptly ends. Once again, we are left in the dark. What does this all mean? Well, here’s my theory…

Final thoughts? Stupid anime, stupid ending, stupid Madhouse. That’s all I’ve got to say. The show’s over. And until Madhouse hilariously decides that they want to waste any more time, money, and effort in creating a sequel to this terribad anime, I won’t bother trying to piece this ridiculous plot together. I will instantly stop caring about this show as soon as I click the “Publish” button in 3, 2, 1…