Yes, a hundred million dollars are at stake over a tournament between a bunch of high schools. Let that sink in. Welcome back to yet another installment of Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei, the anime with a ridiculously inflated sense of self-importance.

— “That’s in U.S. dollars!” insists the evil, evil gangster. We’re not talking about the weakass yen! We’re talking about American moolah! But wait, I-I thought everything about Japan was superior!

— Yeah, these gangsters aren’t going to go down without a fight. Go out there and show those high school punks the what for! We’ve worked too hard to rig this high school tournament!

— I love it, though. A bunch of generic men just sitting around a table, discussing the plot. This… this is the brilliant anime that some people so ardently defend. Conversations at a table. Conversations on the battlefield. Coming soon… conversations on the john. The biggest offense isn’t even that Tatsuya’s an unapologetic Gary Stu. This makes him an easy target for jokes, but as hard as it is to believe, he’s not Mahouka‘s biggest flaw. The biggest offense isn’t even the pathetic siscon bullshit the anime tries to shove down our throats, nor is it fans’ hilarious attempts to defend the relationship between Tatsuya and his sister. “It’s not incest!” they cry as they continue to masturbate to every single exchange between the siblings.

Let me tell you what Mahouka‘s biggest flaw is. Mahouka‘s biggest flaw is that it is a complete and utter failure of the imagination. Nothing I’ve seen thus far has made me think, “Wow, this was created with passion.” Nothing here is a labor of love. Not even the unrelentingly boring monologues on the show’s magic makes me think an ounce of human emotion has gone into them. The anime is robotic, mechanical, and worst of all, soulless. You say I resort to hyperbole and exaggerations when covering this anime? It’s because the only way I can get through this abomination of a story is by injecting my own humanity into it. You’re right; my views on the show are subjective. I’ve never once pretended to be objective on this blog. I wear my biases on my sleeve. But you see, by itself, Mahouka is nothing more than another dry, boring tale about a self-insert character. There are a billion of these stories out there. You can find these amateurish attempts at fiction anywhere on the internet. But with my subjectivity, Mahouka becomes a farce of epic proportions. The story becomes a parody of both the show’s creators and its intended audience. And that is why I continue writing about the anime. Why bother? Why bother, they cry! It’s just so bad! Because in doing so, I can turn Mahouka into something even I can enjoy.

— Tatsuya: “…neither do I have proof that nothing will [happen].” What a stupid thing to say. Who has proof that a unicorn won’t appear in their room right now? Oh, you don’t, do you? Gee, I wonder why. I mean, just say you have a feeling something bad will go down. It’s that simple. Instead, Tatsuya has to be all pretentious about it.

— Fap fap fap. No, there’s no incest here! Fap fap fap. They just have a really close, loving relationship! I wish… I wish my imouto worshiped the ground I walked on…

— More Mirage Bat. ‘Cause it sure was exciting to watch the first time around. But that’s right! The “exciting” battle between Tatsuya and the Crimson Prince wasn’t even the conclusion to this ridiculously drawn-out arc. How much longer can this go?

— Mikihiko and Mizuki start freaking out when Erika suggests that the two of them become a couple. Yeah, freaking out. In the real world, people would just shrug, maybe tell the girl to shush, then go back to watching the match in front of them. In anime world, however… “T-This is not the time to be saying things like that!” Yeah! M-my virgin ears! Just hearing such lewd and dirty talk is enough to ruin me for marriage forever! And people say I exaggerate. These characters are absolutely fucked up in their heads.

— I’m not going to waste too much time discussing the actual plot. Basically, Tatsuya has a mystery to solve and that’s all the context we really need.

— Since Miyuki’s match is coming up next, Tatsuya will personally check her CAD for himself. Oh yeah, it’s personal.

What do your robot eyes see, boy?

Zoom in! Convert to negative!

Ah, it’s so obvious! Black tendrils!

— Tatsuya then flips the fuck out:

C’mon, you don’t need me to tell you what’s about to happen when an anime male loses his eyes, do you? Of course not.

— The Patriarchy shows up and takes one look at Miyuki’s CAD. That’s all he needs to launch into a history lesson about the Golden Electron Silkworms. No, really, Golden Electron Silkworms. And you know what place silkworms are often associated with? Fucking China! Those dirty mainlanders sticking their noses where they don’t belong!

— In any case, our invincible god has impressed the Patriarchy once again. Big surprise there.

— Good lord, she looks like a clown:

— “It’s only for your sake that I can get angry for real.” What a sad and miserable existence.

— “And that’s the one ‘natural thing’ left in my heart.” Aw, this Tin Man needs a heart, you guys. I joke, because this is a joke. Y’see, what Tatsuya says about himself here isn’t even a negative quality for the fans who adore him. Oh, you know how certain neckbeardian nerds can be. They see themselves as paragons of cold, unrelenting logic. They can’t help but turn everything into a debate. If successful, they then proceed to drop accusations of fallacious argumentation left and right. Ad hominem! Onus probandi! Wingardium leviosa! See, the more the fallacies sound like Latin, the stronger their objection. So while Tatsuya’s description of himself may seem bizarre and pathetic to the rest of us, to a certain fanbase, this is what they want to become. They want to be this weirdo who supposedly operates with inhuman efficiency (of course, he doesn’t). It is what allows them to distinguish themselves from the masses — the lowly, pathetic, emotional masses. I bet if Tatsuya listened to music, his favorite band would be Tool. Mathematical! But despite this love for cold, hard logic, these neckbeards are nevertheless hopeful that they will one day find themselves a milady that they can obsess over. Tatsuya’s milady just happens to be his own fucking sister.

— Nope, still looks like a clown to me:

— “It would be a shame for it to get ruined by tears… milady.” Oh, why don’t you just wear a fedora already!

— The next day rolls around, and the anime immediately jumps to Miyuki’s match…

A close match? Really? Get out! No, really, get the fuck out.

— Tatsuya then has the gall to say, “The Nine Schools Competition is no joke, I guess?” What? What? Were you not here when your school streamrolled over the competition for the past two months? Oh, of course you were. You singlehandedly won all those matches by yourself anyway. For once, however, a match is close. For once. What a joke.

— In any case, that’s all about to change anyway. If you think for a second Miyuki won’t mop the floor with her competitors, think again:

Oh, would you just look at that… Miyuki is, after all, a chip off the ol’ Gary Stu block — a specimen crafted from a Gary Stu’s very own rib bone. How is she doing all of this, though?

Flying, of course!

— As a results, those assholes sit around a table some more. Only six minutes left in this episode, guys. Better start doing something interesting soon.

— Since they can no longer rig the results anymore, these gangsters will now resort to extreme measures. And I do mean extreme measures: “Using a Generator to indiscriminately kill a hundred or so of the audience should suffice.” Man, you couldn’t even get away with rigging a high school tournament. Let that sink in for a moment before I go on. You couldn’t even outsmart a bunch of kids. And now, you want to commit homicide and just walk away scot-free. Yo, that’s like failing to swipe a cookie from the cookie jar before dinner time, so I’m going to now commit grand theft auto to draw attention away from my failed theft. What could go wrong?

— In any case, the bad guys will unleash No. 17 to get the job done. No. 17…

…we meet again.

— “…but if we remove his limiter, he can kill a hundred or two with his bare hands.” What’s stopping him from killing you with his bare hands when you remove his limiter, huh?

— So this No. 17 guy finally shows up…

And is promptly defeated by the guys in the 101 Independent Magic-Equipped Battalion:

So much for that. Psst, I think the anime is trying to be funny.

— In our next scene, Miyuki wants Tatsuya to stay by her side while she gets some rest.

Skip.

— Miyuki’s into the finals, but the flying magic got leaked, so now everyone’s flying around like idiots. It’s not like Madhouse will bother to animate any of it, though:

Great, they look like gnats from down here. I’m glad I got front row seats.

— It turns out that even if you copy Tatsuya’s awesome flying magic, only his precious imouto can use it properly. So once again, it’s a landslide victory for the girl:

Hurr hurr, this Nine Schools Competition definitely is no joke!

— Still, Tatsuya grimaces and balls up his fists for some reason. And then the episode just ends. So I guess this arc still isn’t over. For fuck’s sake…