Alright, let’s get this over with.

— Daichi tells Akari that an unknown group had attacked them. Really? Unknown? I mean, let’s think for a second… who else on this godforsaken planet would have the means to A) sabotage the kids’ return trip to Earth, B) know the exact location where the kids had crash-landed, and C) attack them with unmanned drones. I mean, c’mon…

— Apparently, Salty Dog has a lot of influence over Australia? Why? Shrug. It’s just a convenient plot device to send the three kids on yet another wild ride! But alright, what’s plan B? Or C? Whatever the fuck this is, what’s the plan? Well, to the north of them is a “relatively undefended” base. You’d think a “relatively undefended” base would have nothing of interest, but it does! It truly does! It has a “newly deployed heavy transport craft!” Wowza! Conveniences upon conveniences.

— Oh, did someone say they like it when things are convenient? Teppei is already familiar with this “newly deployed heavy transport craft,” so they don’t even have to break out the instruction manual for this operation! Our former Kiltgang member’s got this shit down pat!

— I like how Plan C, D, E, or Z hasn’t even been discussed with Tsutomu, the guy who is supposedly in charge of this whole clown show: “If you do something like that inside a base, it’ll give them a reason to shoot you down.” But it’s okay! Akari already has our heroes covered by hacking into “Central Command’s main computer” — they only have one, y’see — and shutting it down! Did anyone feel the need to run any of this by Tsutomu? Pfft, shut up old man! The kids are taking over! Tsutomu’s only response? “What?” Tsutomu asks as he facepalms himself, “I wish I hadn’t heard that.” Woo! Leadership!

— Hana has something important to tell Akari about her mom! But no, don’t tell me, Akari exclaims. You… you can tell me when you get back. CUE HOPEFUL ANIME MUSIC. That’s all fine and dandy in fiction, but can you imagine how Akari would feel if Hana had screwed up? Shit! What was the important thing my mother wanted to tell me? Now I’ll never know because I refused to give the girl the ten seconds she needed to tell me that very important thing!

— Tsutomu should be worried out of his minds, because the kids are about to pull of a stunt that none of them had discussed thoroughly beforehand. But what is Tsutomu thinking about right now? “Lately, she’s really begun to smile a lot more.” Awwwww! C’mon, you guys, awwwwwwwww! The kids are smiling! Cue flashback from when Hana wasn’t smiling a lot! Keep playing that hopeful anime music.

— So what do we get next? A voiceover as we watch Teppei and his buddies fly off with the transport craft. And what does the voiceover even teach us? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The disembodied male voice first tells us that Central Command had been hacked, something we already knew would happen. He then tells us that the kids used this opportunity to steal the Bravnik. Holy shit, we literally just saw them steal the ship. Why are you doing a voiceover for something I literally just watched with my own two eyes. He then tells us the kids are headed for Tanegashima. We are literally watching them fly the plane to Tanegashima. We’re watching it right now. Right now! And you’re still narrating it! Why? Jesus fucking christ, why? It’s “show, not tell,” not “show and tell in case the audience can’t visually comprehend the very narrative that is unfolding before their fucking eyes.” But what if I’m wrong? What if this is the revolutionary new way to tell stories? In fact, I should get into the habit of narrating every single thing that happens in my life. Otherwise, how can I understand my very own actions? I woke up this morning still groggy and half-asleep. I took advantage of the chaos of the situation to scratch my balls. It felt good.

— The disembodied voice then tells us that the three kids will soon be under attack. Great! Keep giving me previews of what’s to come! No, not previews of the next episode. Previews of the very next scene! Aw yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. My ADD is so bad, I will lose interest unless you literally tell what will happen next when the scene changes. In 90 minutes, I will heat up some rice. I will eat it. I will eat it with last night’s leftovers. It will be tasty. In 6 to 12 hours, I will probably take a dump because of said rice.

— Meanwhile, Hana’s just sitting over there giggling, ’cause I’m sure this experience has been a blast. Oh, we’re stranded in another country. We’re also being hunted by unmanned drones from an organization that is supposed to be our ally. But teehee, we stole a ship! Kawaii Pirate Daichi Manatsu!

— We then cut to Puck and Hitomi — this new scene doesn’t even last a minute — and here, we see Hitomi rejecting Puck’s advances. And that’s it! What a useful scene.

— Next, we see Moco walking into a room wearing nothing but a pair of panties. She tries to hit on Amara, but he rejects her! Aaaand that’s it. What another useful scene! Oh, how could I forget! We learn the very crucial bit of information that the Kiltgang are hoping Puck will move them to an area high in libido. ‘Cause, y’know, this bit of information literally makes or breaks this week’s narrative. Alright, we fulfilled Amara and Moco’s quota for this week’s episode. We don’t have to see you guys again for the rest of the episode! See ya next week!

— We return to the command room where the characters literally — I literally keep using the word literally — discuss the dangers of the upcoming unmanned drone. Bravo! Bravo! You guys are listening to my advice! Yes, yes, keep previewing the story for me. Tell me exactly what this unmanned drone can do, so when it finally attacks our heroes, I won’t be the least bit surprised!

— Rita goes, “We were right to send Salty Dog’s observer back.” Tsutomu replies, “I didn’t do anything.” You can’t make this shit up. You’re right, buddy: you didn’t do anything. In fact, what would you say… you do here?

— Speaking of Salty Dog’s observer, we now see her talking to the rest of her organization. And what is she talking about? She’s singing praises about the Tanegashima Base. No one — absolutely no one — in this entire episode has anything important to say. Nothing. Uguu, the young and the old are working together and they have mutual respect for one another! What an amazing, wonderful work environment! What the fuck? Get on with the fucking story, already.

— The guy on the other end of the cup re-iterates, “But we need Hana Mutou, no matter what.” We know this. Actually, I’m not sure I’m coming through loud and clear enough. WE. KNOW. THIS. We’ve been knowing this since the very early parts of the season. Shit, I feel like I knew this before I was even born. Before mankind ever knew anything — before our ancestors could even vocalize our innermost, deepest thoughts — their collective unconsciousness probably knew this!

— Cut to Tsutomu, who thinks to himself, “They need Hana badly.” Yaaaaaaaaaaay.

— But wait! It’s not time yet for the Sarama-whatsit Engine to attack the three kids. Quick, use more shots of their transport ship gliding over the ocean! Not enough? You’re telling me after all the pointless conversations we’ve just trotted out, we still haven’t bought enough time? Fine, let’s have a flashback scene where Tsutomu and Peter Westvillage talk about their first encounter with Hana, but we won’t have to animate anything. Nothing at all! We’ll just have these red lines scan the girl’s naked body. First, her legs! Oooh. Then, her torso! Wooooow. Wait, wait, her chest now! Amazing! Seriously, though, how many times do I have to watch a bunch of fucking red lines move themselves slowly across a girl’s naked body before I get the picture?

— Blah blah blah, Daichi was the only person who could get Hana to leave the Blume.

— Gasp! The Sarama Engine will intercept the Bravnik at 20:25 JST. Keep those previews coming! I think I’m almost emotionally ready for it to happen, but I need more previews!

— Now I see Puck in Kube’s body talking to the original Puck. Apparently, Peter Westvillage had tried to reach out to Kube on the topic of eternal life. I’m too tired to break their conversation down. I’ll just say this: Puck and Puck eventually arrive at the same theory that perhaps the Livlasters are the ones who are truly trying to take over the galaxy. And do what? Enslave us all with their phallic imagery? Egads!

— Fourteen minutes into the episode, the children are… under attack? Wow? Why is this happening?! I’m so surprised by this sudden twist in the narrative! Who would want to attack them? It must be an unknown force! And what would the enemies do if they succeed? W-would they try to kidnap one of the kids? What for?! And this new enemy has multiple components to it! Oh my god, Captain Earth hasn’t prepared me for this! The narrative is too complex! This is such a shock to the system! I… I think I need to lie down and collect my thoughts! So please, put a hold on the narrative. Show us, uh… a flashback or something.

*hopeful anime music plays*

*lameass Hana monologue begins*

Hana: “I was in a world where everything was veiled in darkness.”

Alright, you heard the lady. Everything was veiled in darkness. Very scary. Now keep listening to the pretty girl while I go back and rewatch the episode for clues.

— Y’see, this is all a veiled critique on China’s flawed one child policy. The naked Hana floating in a body of water that you see here clearly represents the unborn child in the mother’s womb. The child’s gender is, however, still up in the air. Hana ultimately gets to decide if she wants to be a boy or a girl. Unfortunately, her “parents” desperately want her to be a boy, so she clings to the Livlaster with confusion in her heart! They want her to fire the gun, i.e. go on to father many children and continue the bloodline. But one day, Daichi calls out to her. And because of Daichi and Daichi alone, Hana is finally able to decide which gender she truly wants to be! She therefore accepts her role as Captain Earth‘s hot, fanservice character, and heads towards the light. The rest is history.

— Alright, we’re back from the flasback! Not surprisingly, even though the Bravnik and the Sarama Engine have both entered Japanese air space, the air force won’t do anything to help the kids out! Hana and Daichi thus climb into their respective mechas to save the day.

— Like every Captain Earth episode ever, the bad guys have the upper hand as the Sarama Engine knocks Hana into the deep ocean blue. Then just as the unmanned drone was about to eliminate Daichi and Teppei for good, the Blume magically surfaces from the ocean and destroys the Sarama Engine! This Hana Mutou has finally reached maturity, and she don’t need no mecha! How nice of the Blume to be right there for the girl to pilot, though. Plus, how did she even get from her mecha to the Blume? Teleportation? Yeah, it’s probably teleportation.

— In any case, because Hana is now back in the Blume, she can’t come back out… unless Daichi comes to get her? Whatever that even means… The show makes it sound like she’s making a huge sacrifice, but she’s right! Since this is an anime, if the male protagonist dies, the female protagonist would just die from heartbreak anyway. And hey, she’s naked and floating in a sphere of liquid again! What’s that? You ask if this is objectification? Of course it is! She’s a fucking ship now! You can’t get any more objectified than that!

— Uguu, Daichi-kun…

…can it be cuddles time now?

Do it Daichi. Take one for the team.