For some reason, Salia’s narrating this week’s episode, so that should be fun…

— So apparently, Ange does so well in these missions that she’s depriving her allies of food money. I find this kind of odd, because I thought they at least got free meals. I mean, you wouldn’t want your soldiers to fight on an empty stomach, would you? Yeah, these girls are prisoners, society’s rejects, etc. But food, man, food. Isn’t it counterproductive to deprive these girls of food? Make them earn money for conspicuous consumption, but food is — and I can’t believe this has to be said — necessary for living, i.e. they need it to fight. You want them to succeed against these dragons, right? So what gives? Why throw slaves against the oh-so-dangerous dragons if you’re not even going to feed them? Why waste money on hungry fighters? In the long run, you’d just waste more time and resources because you sending out starving soldiers to fight a war. What’s next? We’re going to make them pay for water? Oxygen?

— Salia writes in her log that they might have to force Ange off of the Villkiss if she continues to disobey orders. But will they? Will they really? Here’s what I want to know: have there been any casualties since Ange took over the Villkiss? So y’know, orders be damned. We’re made to think that death is just around the corner. Not only that, these Paramails that they pilot might as well be their coffins. But seriously, has anyone died since Ange started kicking ass? If the answer’s no, then I think these girls have misplaced priorities. Sure, you’re not earning much money, but… that sure beats dying, doesn’t it? Plus, we know Salia wants the Villkiss for herself, so she’s not exactly being objective here.

— Oh, so the rest of the characters know about Tusk. In fact, they’re surprised to learn that he’s still alive. What has he been up to? Doing some recon, I guess. Of all the things to worry about, however, Salia blushes over the fact that Ange had spent some time alone with… with… a man! The girl’s already jealous of Ange piloting the Villkiss. Don’t tell me she wants Tusk too.

— Again, Salia wants Ange removed from the Villkiss. Jill, however, tells Salia to just get Ange to fall in line. I wonder what Jill really wants. Does she really think Salia can lead Ange? Or does she just not want to remove Ange from the Villkiss period, and this is the easiest way to table the matter?

— Why is Emma still mad about Momoka being Ange’s servant when she agreed to sell the maid to our heroine in the first place? Not only that, she spends all her time with these Normas, and she still refers to them as if they’re wild animals. You’d think she’d soften up to at least one of them by now.

— Apparently, a place like Arzenal has the luxury to hold festivals.

— Hilda thinks Zola would’ve kept Ange in check. As such, she thinks she should be captain instead of Salia, because she’s the most like Zola out of all them. Well, I don’t know about that. First, Zola was only threatening because she was about to rape Ange until the dragons attacked. Is Hilda saying she’d become a rapist too? Plus, Ange back then was weak. Even if Zola hadn’t been killed, I doubt she’d be able to keep the current Ange in line.

— Well, this is stupid. When Salia is frustrated, she likes to cosplay as a mahou shoujo. As you might expect, Ange walks in on Salia’s shenanigans. Ange doesn’t even care, though. Our captain is freaking about nothing, because Ange literally doesn’t care about anything. She even dares Salia to execute her for insubordination, so needless to say, I doubt she gives a fuck if Salia likes to cosplay every now and then.

— Nevertheless, this is Salia’s measured response. But let’s be real. This is just a veiled attempt to have two hot anime babes fight each other in the nude. B-b-but Salia isn’t naked! She’s fully clothed! Well, not for long.

— But the truth comes out: Ange refuses to listen to Salia, because she thinks her captain is like the rest of the mean girls. Looks like the two of them need some quality bonding time. It’s just too bad Salia’s dialogue is so horribly written. Because what is her response to this? She goes, “Quit being so selfish.” That doesn’t even make sense. “Yo, I think you’re trying to kill me.” “Quit being so selfish!” Uh, okay.

— Um…

— I keep expecting someone to wake up, thereby revealing this scene to be nothing more than a dream. I mean, in any other anime, this would just be a stupid dream. In Cross Ange, however, it’s as real as can be.

— Then they get mops to fight with… It’s a never-ending nude cat fight.

— See? They have cat scratches all over their faces. As punishment, they have to write a 50-page repentance essay. Psst, make the margins big.

— Oh no, Ange has fallen ill. Christ, this is what happens when you give a show two cours to work with. This is the shit you get. Exciting developments like Ange falling sick! But this gives Salia an excuse to prove her worth without Ange and the Villkiss to single-handedly  God-moding everything.

— Naturally, you don’t get sick leave in this universe. If anything, you lose money… to a tune of a million per day. Hilarious. You gotta pay for food, and if you fall ill, well, you’re shit out of luck.

— Okay, Salia’s narrating her captain’s log, right? And according to her, training is going swimmingly without Ange, right? Then right in the middle of her fucking narration, we see this. What does this lesbian threesome have to do with anything? Nothing. Nothing at all. Sunrise just figured you might be getting bored of the show, so don’t stop now! We’re just getting started!

— According to Mei, she can hear the hearts of the Paramails. And what is the Villkiss telling her? It tells her that Ange is fighting the dragons all by herself because she doesn’t want anyone to die. Awwwwww. Now doesn’t Salia feel bad! Nah, she’s just going to pretend she didn’t hear it. Then a mission will go horribly wrong without Ange, and Salia’s going to feel super bad. This shit is pretty predictable.

— So right on cue, dragons attack. When the girls yell out, “Yes, ma’am,” it sounds like, “Yes, Mom!”

— Ange still tries to get out of bed to fight the dragons, and we’re supposed to admire her for her selflessness. But Sunrise really just wants you to see the girl in her undies.

— The show’s trying too hard to make everything about sex. Apparently, if you haven’t seen a certain dragon before, you call it a virgin. C’mon… seriously? I mean, c’moooooon: “Let’s eat this virgin and go home to celebrate in a bath of money.”

— “Zola never freaked out against a virgin.”

— Haha, our dragon can cast gravity magic through its horns. It’s like a Final Fantasy boss.

— Well, I thought the show might off someone, but I guess everyone here is just too important to die. As a result, a very sick Ange shows up in the Villkiss and saves the rest of the squad. The only difference this time is that Ange’s a little woozy, which allows Salia to assert herself and bark out orders. Our drowsy Mary Sue goes along with it, but I wonder what would’ve happened if Ange hadn’t fallen sick…

— But we’re supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside because teamwork prevailed! Awwwww.

— We get still shots like this one because Sunrise needs to budget, apparently.

— Oh lord, inspiring speech time. But how much team camaraderie can you really have when three of these girls have literally tried to shoot Ange in the back in previous missions? In magical Cross Ange fantasy land, however, this is a breakthrough moment for Salia’s squad. There’s no love loss between Ange and Hilda’s threesome, but for now, they’ll actually follow Salia’s orders. Everyone but Hilda, that is. Hilarious.

— And like girls are wont to do, everyone celebrates by getting naked together and tossing Ange into the hot bath. What? You guys don’t do this too? I mean, look at the sweet Dutch angle! I dare say we’re just having a gay o’ time!

— I don’t know why this episode was named “Salia’s Depression,” because she wasn’t depressed at all.

— But things are not all fine and dandy, because Momoka receives a distress message from Sylvia, a.k.a Ange’s imouto. Right before the message cuts off, Sylvia yells out, “Let go!” Please don’t have her be raped over and over by the creepy older brother. That’s all I ask. I don’t expect anything from Sunrise or Cross Ange anymore, but can you guys at least give me that?