A Guide to Volleyball

Is that a ball? Is that sand? Do we have bodacious babes too?! I think I see beach volleyball! But fret not, pale-skinned, girth-endowed otaku. Thanks to the power of anime, volleyball is as easy as 1 2 3!

Put down those cheetos and turn off the Justin.tv stream of Starcraft 2. It’s time to go outside for once and breath in some fresh air!

Ahh, noooo, the sun~! No worries, a ready camper is a happy camper. Preserve your pock-marked, pallid skin with a sensuous, oily rub down!

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Moans just mean the SPF is working! Now that you’re all lubed up, make sure your attitude’s in the right place. Volleyball ain’t for suckers. Go to Photoshop, find the flame filter, and apply judiciously.

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Great! Time to get started! Grab a childhood friend for a partner and take a look around for some rivals. After all, you can’t play volleyball without an opponent. If you have a hard time finding some, look for feminine ankles. If you can’t find any, giant breasts are just fine, but the lower, the better. Found those ankles? Good. Now slowly tilt your head vertically and apply liberal amounts of male gaze.

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What’s that? It looks like you’ve found rivals! And they think volleyball will be fun! If they taunt you, even better! It’ll only increase your fighting spirit! Time to serve the ball! So we just throw the spherical object up into the air, and hit it with an open palm, right?

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Not so fast, skippy! That’s just plain boring. Spice it up with some gravity-defying levitation! Be sure to declare your contempt for your rivals! If all else fails, quickly hit the ball multiple times in succession from different angles. It’ll make it look like you didn’t farm this episode out to a Korean animation studio!

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But don’t forget — volleyball is a team sport. You’ll have a partner out there that you gotta communicate with. Make sure your ass is front and center, and start signaling away.

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Most importantly, I hope you’re prepared to dive and lay it all out there. Every play will push you to the limit. You’ll be fingertips away from the ball every single time!

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Don’t miss ’cause that will mean a rough sand dinner, and if your rivals multi-served you, you’ll multi-lose. Sorry, just the law of animedynamics as postulated by Newton-kun.

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When all else fails, use your face ’cause violence is funny no matter how many times it happens. The ladies love a man with a sense of humor.

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Isn’t volleyball fun? Ahhhh — but don’t push it, my portly friend. When your left arm is numb and the vision’s blurry, it’s time to collapse by a nearby palm tree and hope the pain goes away. A couple more sessions and you too will look like this:

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Notice those lubed up bodies, multiple angle montages, and heroic diving. Now that’s just good volleyball.

Your moment of zen:

Wow, what a glorious ball!

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8 Replies to “A Guide to Volleyball”

  1. 2 out of those 3 blonde girls (the 2 upper class ojousamas) getting a rub down are voiced by the same seiyuu. It’s clear where her talents lie.

  2. Looks like I won’t be missing much. No harem anime can pull itself out of the gutter in 4 episodes without a mass murder happening.

      1. They had to cut the plot so they could keep the important stuff in like falling into a girl’s chest and screwing around trying to hold somebody’s hand.

  3. Thank you, but I’ll stick to my Legend of the Galactic Heroes. You know, something that doesn’t suck, unlike basically every harem ever made.

  4. funny, i don’t really remember enjoying any volleyball scene in anime…it’s just boring. now dodgeball in hyakko, that’s something.

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