Investigate the true identity of Chitoge’s first love? Poppycock! Come, come! There’s no time to worry about trifling matters such as plot progression and character development! We have a hot springs episode to catch! Anyway, I’m still splitting up the Harem Hill entries for now. And like before, I’m starting off with Nisekoi, which is apparently going to extend itself into the spring season. Oh boy!
• Chitoge insists that “[t]here’s no way [Raku] could’ve been that boy” from her past. Uh huh, whatever you say, girl. The funniest thing about this whole ordeal, however, is that Chitoge doesn’t even have any true feelings for Raku (yet). So a normal person would’ve been like, “Well, that boy from the past might’ve been him, but oh well, that was then and this is now. You can’t really put that much stock into puppy love.” But nope, not in anime. Your first love is for life, son. For life. Even if you don’t have any feelings for the guy now — and even if it’s pretty much acknowledged that people can change dramatically in just a couple of years, so the person you fell in love with then is hardly the same person you see before you now — if you’ve ever loved a boy before, you love him for life. So what’s funny is that it feels like Nisekoi is getting all antsy. Like shit, we haven’t found a good reason for Chitoge to really take an interest in this boring-as-fuck harem lead. Oh well, let’s just play the first love card! Those feelings of true love will thus come gushing out of nowhere.
• Well of course this hotel has a hot spring. What hotel in Japan doesn’t have a hot spring? I think you’re practically required by law to have one. Let’s see though… are we going with the whole “Oh no, there’s only a flimsy wooden fence to separate the guys and the girls!!!” Or are we going to go with the “Guys and girls bathe at separate times, but uguu, I got the schedule mixed up…” Boy, I can’t wait to see which of these two overplayed tropes Nisekoi will pick!
• Raku: “Kirisaki… I thought she was acting a little weird a moment ago, but maybe I was just reading too much into it?” Yeah, you wouldn’t want to do that. According to anime fans, life is a game where you try to analyze just the right amount. No more, no less. Overanalyze, though, and you’ll die.
• Shu suggests that the six of them all play a card game, but to make things interesting, the loser will have to tell everyone about his or her first love. Naturally, everyone but Shu and Ruri are freaking out about this. After all, Chitoge, Tsugumi and Kosaki are all in love with our bland harem lead — Chitoge just isn’t aware of her true feelings yet — and fittingly, our bland harem lead is in love with the blandest of those three girls.
• Or, y’know, you could just not play. Whoops, I forget that no one in anime ever has the guts to stand up for themselves. They always end up doing whatever other people want them to do.
• I don’t even know why Raku’s even concerned about losing the game. Can’t he just tell the story of him and that mysterious girl from his past? It doesn’t have to be about Kosaki, ’cause he’s got no damn clue if it’s Kosaki or not.
• So it’s the bottom of the ninth! It’s just Raku vs. Chitoge! Who ever loses will have to spill his or her guts about their first love! Uguu, this is potentially so hazukashii!
Fucking harems. Just typical.
• Ah, so that’s what we’re going with:
A fine choice, sir! You won’t be disappointed by this vintage! I dare say it has a nice fanservice quality to it, but the delayed misogyny notes will do wonders on your palette!
• And of course, Claude tricks Raku into having a dip in the hot springs even though it’s the girls’ turn to bate. I mean, it wouldn’t be a harem if this shit wasn’t predictable as all hell.
• Looks like we’ve crossed over into a shitty episode of Naruto:
• Chitoge quickly realizes that this is all Claude’s doing. As such, she tries to help Raku escape, but c’mon… you didn’t think he’d escape without first seeing some hot high school tail, did you? Of course not.
• Uguu, what do I even do in a bath? Do I, like, wash myself? Gosh I just don’t know. Cue the forced lesbianism.
• The rest of the girls show up, including the teacher, and they all go, “Wow! You’ve got a sexy body, Ms. Kyoko!” The teacher then replies, “Heh, heh… want to cop a feel?” Yep. No need to even comment on this.
• The teacher then says, “Huh? What’s this, Tsugumi? For someone who dresses up as a boy, you’ve got a damn fine body!” Is this a teacher or a fucking sexual predator on a train? “Here, let me feel them,” Kyoko adds. Tsugumi’s classmates proceed to surround and molest her against her wishes. Nope, this is not a dream sequence.
Have you noticed that the more tomboyish a girl is in a harem, the more likely it is that she’ll be sexually assaulted for laughs? So my bad. Kyoko’s not the only sexual predator here. They’re all sexual predators and we’re on a train straight to hell.
• Raku spots a hole in the stone wall… a conveniently human-sized hole that will allow him to escape to the men’s side of the hot springs. But of course, just as he’s about to make his escape, all the girls begin to question Kosaki about her first love, so Raku pauses long enough for this to happen:
Yep, Kosaki runs past him without noticing that he’s there. She then sits herself right in front of Raku’s escape route:
Nope, she still doesn’t notice him. It’s super steamy, man!
• Then in an attempt to help Raku escape, Chitoge somehow faceplants into Raku’s… lower back?
So what? Who cares? Jesus Christ. Anyway, that about wraps up the episode. Tune in next time to another episode of We’ll Never Advance The Story ‘Cause We Never Had One!