I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?
• Even the opening is just a microcosm of how Nisekoi‘s episodes often play out. It’s a new day at school, the sky is blue, and Kosaki is happy! Our intrepid harem lead is just steps away from engaging his fair m’lady in the most riveting of conversations… when that blasted siren Chitoge starts crooning his name. “Raku!” she calls out, “Raku!” Oh, how the frustration mounts in our hero!
Seriously though, someone needs to get a grip. Who actually gets this mad just because they can’t talk to their crush? Honestly, I think this is a red flag. I mean, if he gets this worked up about this, how much worse will it be when Chitoge really does something bad?
• Both Kosaki and Ruri are stunned that Raku is now calling Chitoge by her first name and her first name alone. Gasp! Such impropriety! In a measured reaction, Ruri elbows her best friend hard in the abdomen because “[Chitoge] beat you to it, huh?” Well that’s cool. First, Raku seriously gets pissed off that Chitoge dared to ask him for directions. Then Ruri abuses Kosaki because she’s losing the race to marry the world’s shittiest bachelor. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
• Tsugumi shows up to tell everyone that today just happens to be Chitoge’s birthday. As a result, why don’t they plan a special surprise celebration for our blonde tsunderekko? Y’know, this fake relationship between Raku and Chitoge isn’t very convincing when he has to be reminded of his girlfriend’s birthday.
• In any case, Raku and Kosaki are going shopping together to buy birthday presents for Chitoge. Ah, we know how this will play out. Raku will be over the moon to see Kosaki in her street outfit, which’ll make him sigh, “Uguu, she’s even cuter than ever!” The two of them will then have just the most splendid time together even though my cat’s farts are more exciting than Kosaki’s personality. But of course, her inability to hold a conversation doesn’t matter. She’s cute, shy, and therefore everything that defines ideal Japanese femininity! That’s where it truly counts! Nevertheless, that surprise birthday party for Chitoge looms large on the horizon. So as always, Raku will begin another episode by pairing up with Kosaki… only to find himself by Chitoge’s side in the long run. This is apparently what Nisekoi fans love. This is how they want every episode to go. This is why this show’s a 2-cour anime. A then B. A then B. A then B. A routine life where sex is merely hinted at and never realized. This is like some twisted version of Groundhog’s Day. The harem lead climbs out of his hole to check the audience’s balls. Are they blue enough? No? Well then, we’ve got several more weeks of this anime to go!
• OMG IS THIS A DATE? IS IT? IT LOOKS LIKE A DATE. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.
What a loser. Yo guys, it’s the time you spend together that’s important, not what you actually call it. Who cares about the label? A rose by any other name, motherfuckers.
• Raku spots Kosaki, but she hasn’t spotted him. She’s looking around frantically though, and the genius thinks to himself, “Crap… Is she looking for me?” No, dude, she’s searching for a tumor on her blue nutsack. What else would she be doing?
• The girl checks herself out in the window without realizing that she’s standing right in front of the harem lead. Naturally, when she finally notices him, she turns beet red. Beet red for what? Making sure she looks okay in the window? Yes, maintaining your appearance is so hazukashii. Oh god, walking is so hazukashii. Gasp, even breathing is hazukashii. Ugh, cell division is hazukashii too. I may as well just die as my cells stop replicating. Bleh.
Dying is so hazukashii, ne~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Raku goes, “I see… So she wants me to act like nothing happened?” Yeah, something did happen! Don’t lie! Don’t lie to me, woman! YOU WERE CHECKING YOURSELF OUT IN THE WINDOW, YOU HARLOT!
• Hey, what did I say?
Raku will be over the moon to see Kosaki in her street outfit, which’ll make him sigh, “Uguu, she’s even cuter than ever!”
This is like fapping to a Sears catalog.
• Yo, have you realized that they haven’t been having much of a conversation? Kosaki asks him what they should get for Chitoge, but he hasn’t actually answered her. He hasn’t! Instead, he’s just been sitting there, stewing in his own mundane thoughts about how cute she is and how it might look like the two of them are a couple. As for Kosaki herself, she’s even started to worry whether or not the waitress may have seen her checking herself out in the mirror. Ugh, so hazukashii. What about that conversation between friends? Well fuck that! Friends don’t need to talk!
• Minutes later, Kosaki asks, “I wonder what [Chitoge’d] be glad to get on her birthday?” That’s the same fucking question you just asked a minute ago! You’ve merely phrased it slightly differently! Welcome to harem anime, guys. Every harem lead’s the same. Every set of girls is the same. Every episode is the same. Even the characters’ conversations are the same.
• But seriously, seriously… Raku is pretending to be Chitoge’s boyfriend, after all. So c’mon, buddy, what do you think your “girlfriend” would like to receive as a present?
• So instead of engaging in this wonderful conversation about your “girlfriend’s” tastes and wants, Raku starts thinking. Thinking! He’s had more internal monologues with himself than spoken dialogue with Kosaki. What a date~!
• When he finally begins to talk to her, she interrupts him. Then they charge off to look at the shops around them. Conversation over. B-but E Minor, can’t they talk as they walk from store to store? Can they? Can they really do both things at once, my friends? Ask yourself honestly now.
• ‘Cause in the very next scene…
Kosaki: “Thank goodness we found something nice! I wonder if Chitoge will like it?”
Raku: “It was all over in the blink of an eye. I’m such a wuss! Dammit! There were so many things I wanted to talk to her about!”
I told you guys… monocellular organisms aren’t advanced enough to walk and talk at the same time.
• But there’s still time! He can talk to her now at the end of their date! Instead, the dude decides to stare at the sky. Even the girl feels compelled to break the silence for him:
First of all, take good notes, girls. Remember, low self-esteem is very attractive to men. We always go for the low-hanging fruit! Easy pickings! It makes you so moe, and as such, we’ll want to protect you with our scrawny arms.
Yeah, Kosaki, Raku had so much fun today! He was just too chickenshit to actually have a conversation with you the entire time. But other than that, what a blast!
• I love how aggressive he is about it though: “I had a good time, OKAY?!” And the girl’s just like, “I see. Thank goodness.” Uguu. Uguu? Uguu.
• So she suggests that they take a detour and off they go… and again, they’re not having a conversation. LOL WALKING AND TALKING WHAT IS THAT?!
• We see montages of them walking… walking up this hill…
…walking through this tight corridor…
…walking to deliver the one birthday gift to Mount Chitoge. I am Raku son of Hand-Holdeus, and am called Harem Lead, the Blue-Balled Elf, Múnadain, the heir of Love Hina. Here is the harem anime that has been seen countless of times before and is remade again! Will you aid me or thwart me? Choose swiftly!
• After a long journey, Kosaki shows Raku her secret place if you know what I mean, heh heh heh…
Why, this place with a wonderful view of their city, of course!
• Even Ruri doesn’t know about this place. Even her very best friend! Well, maybe if she would stop socking Kosaki in the stomach, our boring heroine would be more inclined to share the location of this place with her. In any case, Kosaki tells Raku that this is thanks for them having such a wonderful time today. A wonderful time… of walking and not talking. And of course, instead of taking this prime opportunity to talk to the girl some more, Raku traps himself in his mind yet again:
That loser face.
• In fact, he even thinks, “Onodera’s being a little aggressive today, isn’t she?” Yep, too aggressive. Too forward. Not ladylike.
• They promise each other that they won’t reveal this secret place to anyone else in the entire world! But trigger warning, the word ‘promise’ makes Raku think back to that childhood promise at the center of this entire show. ‘Cause c’mon, who cares if you’ve been having a fun-filled day with the girl of your dreams? If she’s not the girl from your childhood, then it’s all over! It’s all over! Nothing matters between two people unless they share a childhood promise from days long forgotten!
• So Raku comes out and ask Kosaki if she’s the same girl that he had made a promise to ten years ago. Naturally, this is a harem so don’t expect a good answer from Kosaki. After all, plot progression is basically a death knell to harem anime.
• Kosaki replies, “I think I am.” Who cares what you think though? You have a key. Use the key. It’s as simple as that. If the key works, then you’re the girl. If the key doesn’t work, then you’re not the girl.
• Oh, now they want to talk. Despite the solution sitting there right before their very eyes, our two lovebirds will stand there and yap yap yap.
USE THE KEY.
USE THE DAMN KEY.
Then the phone rings and the two of them have to hurry to Chitoge’s birthday party. Y’know, without using the key.
• Well, let’s see how the pendulum will swing its way back to Chitoge this time.
• At the party, Claude tries to one-up everybody by giving Chitoge a fancy car. But of course, a rich girl like Chitoge just wants the wonderful gift of friendship! As a result, the car doesn’t impress her. Oh boy, it’s Raku’s turn to give the birthday girl her gift! Will he have anything special for his “girlfriend?”
He gets her a gorilla thing with her head on it. ‘Cause y’know, she’s a gorilla. Heh, top drawer, Raku. Top drawer! Y’see guys, negging totally works. First, you insult the girl, then you give her a present that relates to your insults! That’s why girls love getting puppies as a gift.
• B-but don’t get the wrong idea! She has to cherish it ’cause they’re pretending to date. So she has no choice but to like it!
• But the pendulum though… what about the pendulum? When is it going to swing back?
Anyway, that’s it for now. See you guys next week for another exciting episode of Nothing Ever Really Happens. Also, look for a post on the finale of ImoCho tomorrow.