Wow, the dragon loli anime is at least kind enough to wrap its story up in twelve weeks. Unfortunately, the flag anime insists on surviving to see another day. After all, its Matrix-esque plot is just so good.

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Kanojo ga Flag o Oraretara Ep. 12

— The Angelus Gemini thingamajig is trying to take control of the world, I guess. But don’t you worry, ’cause our hero’s here to save us:

Hey, why are you laughing? That’s our hero, man! And here’s the physical manifestation of the rogue network control system:

See, this has quickly become the best harem anime ever! We go from the bland harem lead trying to cope with at least ten stupid haremettes all at the same time to the bland harem lead becoming Neo and protecting us from one-eyed angel, muscle-bound angels.

— Sadly, Souta is not quite Neo. Instead of kung fu, he instead opts to plant death flags on his opponents, thereby causing them to explode after a short period of time. So, uh, I guess he’s Zilean.

— Back in the “real” world, Nanami is going nuts trying to convince the rest of Souta’s haremettes that he once existed. There’s nothing too interesting or wild here. Eventually, she gets mad enough to break into Souta’s old room even though it is now currently off-limits. Somehow, this is the same as breaking his “encryption,” uh-huh. Ruri thus shows up and plants a kiss on Nanami. Yeah, yuri-isms are how you recover your memories. If you’re a guy, I guess you’re just shit out of luck.

Nanami then finds herself talking to… herself. Here, she realizes that she was really Souta’s sister all along. Yes, it turns out Souta is the prince of Bladefield all along as well. This anime jumped the shark a long time ago, but it has somehow managed to do it again.

— So the reality of the situation is that Nanami had dove into the virtual world in order to save her otouto, but Number Zero interfered and the-… ah, who cares. If you watch the episode, it is literally minutes after minutes of two characters talking in front of a boring backdrop. The only thing is missing is them walking around each other in a circle. Still, I love how these shows will fap around all season long, then try to squeeze everything into the last few episodes to make up for it. Preserving all the generic harem hijinks is much more important than the integrity of your story, apparently.

— When the anime cuts back to Souta, we see that our Neo is at the end of his ropes, but it’s okay! His haremettes have forced themselves back into his world!

Yeah, Baba-sama is there as well. Hell, even his homeroom teacher is now a part of his harem.

— Luckily, that about wraps it up for this week’s episode of Kanojo ga Flag o Oraretara. Yeah, my coverage is incredibly short this week, but literally nothing happens. Souta battles some stupid-looking shit, and Nanami talks to herself. That honestly sums up the entire episode. If you don’t believe me, watch the episode for yourself.

— Now, if you really want to kill yourself, listen to the previews for next week’s episode.

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Seikoku no Dragonar Ep. 12 (Finale)

— The golden dragon egg thingie finally cracks to reveal…

…pretty much the dumbest-looking dragon yet. C’mon, it’s got pink side bangs for Christ’s sakes.

— As expected from any terrible anime’s finale episode, the bad guy decides to spill his guts now to the good guys. Julius never went mad! He only killed his dragon Mordred because it was really evil all along. Unfortunately, Mordred became a spirit to possess Julius instead and the rest is history. Now, Mordred has awakened Eco’s true power so that he can possess her body and really wreak some havoc.

— Veronica dashes at Mordred’s spirit form in an attempt to stop the evil dragon from possessing Eco, but then we get the most random tentacle rape scene ever. Out of nowhere, she sees herself, well, being raped by tentacles. Eventually, Julius snaps her out of it and she comes to, fully-clothed. It’s like the people behind Dragonar said, “Hm, y’know, we haven’t had a tentacle rape scene in a while!”

— When Mordred takes over Eco’s body, it literally just means she turns black, and her horns grow out. Really. That’s the extent of this anime’s creativity. Well, I guess you can’t expect much from a show that throws random scenes of tentacle rape at you just because the story hasn’t been rapey enough as of late.

— We thus cut to a conversation between Navi and Mordred. Navi refuses to be subordinate to him, so… well, y’know what that means:

“Hey, whatchu working on?”

“Oh, y’know, just drawing some tentacles?”

“Uh, what for?”

“To rape a humanoid version of a Dragweiss.”

“Oh… uh, I’ll probably regret asking this, but what’s a Dragweiss?”

“It’s like a library for dragons. It’s a repository of all their knowledge.”

“So a library has a humanoid form… and you’re drawing the tentacles that will rape it?

“Yeah, pretty much. Look man, I need the money.”

— Back in the real world, Ash Blake intends to solve this predicament the only way he knows how:

Hey, man, don’t judge. It’s a cultural thing, and we totally can’t, like, judge people’s cultures even if parts of them are ass-backwards.

— But y’know, how is Ash Blake going to get to Eco when she’s all the way up there? Obviously, you just commandeer Veronica’s ship. Surely, she’ll agree to it since this will help save her kingdom. Actually, she doesn’t. For some reason, Julius has to hold a gun to her head and threaten her in order to get control of the ship: “Otherwise, I’ll reveal your secret in front of your subordinates who admire you.” I honestly don’t even get this scene. Why wouldn’t she have just handed over the damn ship in the first place?

— Oh, you’re probably wondering what Veronica’s secret is. See, you thought Veronica was just a hardass when it came to her sister, but she actually really enjoyed torturing the girl. Remember when Veronica first showed up in the story, she literally cut Silvia’s clothes off of her? And we all thought it was just standard harem hijinks, huh? But nope, it all makes sense now. Veronica cut the poor girl’s clothes off because she actually wanted to see Silvia buck naked. As a result, Veronica’s shameful secret is actually the fact that her entire room is a shrine to Silvia, her own little sister. No, wait, it gets even better. Veronica has Silvia’s previously worn bikini top and bottoms stored away in a fucking display case. And oh yeah:

To top it all off, she secretly took a picture of Silvia while her imouto was bathing. Yes, if Veronica hands her airship over, Julius totally won’t reveal Veronica’s secret to the world. He somehow knows all of this, but he’ll allow Veronica to keep creeping on their sister if she complies. It’s fine. We just need the ship. Christ.

— If you ever wanted to see dragon bondage, your wish has just come true.

— Meanwhile, Julius is being such a trooper.

— In any case, our main man Ash Blake has managed to land himself onto Dragon Eco, and will now attempt to tame her at all costs. Eco even gets first-row seats, and… uguu, the heroic sight brings a tear to her eyes. Oh, if you’re wondering about Navi, she’s here too. Apparently, she survived Mordred’s tentacles, though her clothes haven’t fared all too well. Just tentacle rape things…

— So what’s the plan? With Ash Blake being the man of action, what will Eco do in order to help him? She will do what she does best, I guess; she will fashion him yet another fucking Arch, but this time she’ll use her true feelings or whatever. Therefore, gaze your eyes on this badass:

Hm. Must be chilly there.

— Seriously though, these anime characters don’t even look remotely human anymore. It’s just Barbie and Ken smiling at us creepily with their sterilized bodies.

— But really, the Arch doesn’t even take shape because it isn’t finished yet. Instead, the only thing that materializes is Ash’s mighty sword. What? You didn’t think he’d tame Eco’s dragon form in any other way, did you?

— Mordred warns Ash that destroying this body will hurt Eco as well, but Ash Blake swears he knows her. He proves it too by rattling off everything that’s negative about the girl: “I know her better than anyone. The way she oversleeps, how she pigs out, and where she’s vulnerable!” I should try that next time. I’ll lean in to whisper sweet nothings into my girlfriend’s ears, but it’ll just be one long string of putdowns. “Baby, c’mon, this proves I know you.”

— In reality, all Ash Blake does is chop off one of the dragon’s horns, and that’s, uh, enough to dissolve the evil dragon, thereby revealing the naked dragon loli underneath. The two of them proceed to stand there in midair:

Welp, I don’t know how anyone can actually say that Eco looks cute. Nevertheless, a bunch of grown-ass adults literally put this frame together and thought to themselves, “Yeah, this looks good.”

— Anyway, that’s that for this anime. Dragonar is finished. Sure, there are some extra scenes to wrap up the “story,” but they’re nothing terribly important. We get a scene in which Avdocha finds her long, lost sister. It’s like, “Hey, remember this subplot?!” At the same time, Eco confesses that she wants a different sort of relationship with Ash Blake, so then they kiss. Ugh, I’m going to need a shower. I’d say the plot never really went anywhere, but uh, we weren’t really watching this for the plot, were we?