So the meganekko is dead, Esdeath has returned to the capital city, and everyone in Night Raid is super pissed off. What now?
— Honest flat out tells us that Esdeath, despite all her strength and leadership prowess — or so I’m told — “has no interest in authority or politics whatsoever.” Boy, isn’t that just convenient. Here, we have possibly the strongest female character in the entire Akame ga Kill! universe. Hell, from the way some of my readers have put it, she’s one of the strongest female characters in anime. And y’know what? She’s completely loyal to a bastard like Honest. The conflict here is just so… simple and dull. I mean, let’s face it, Akame ga Kill! is not the bloodiest mainstream series out there. There are a lot of really brutal stories floating around, but y’know what they also do? They have their characters mired in a complex struggle for power. There are backdoor dealings, political machinations, strategic alliances, so and so forth. You watch just to see who ends up being strange bedfellows with whom. In Akame ga Kill!, however, there are the good guys and there are the bad guys. Nothing more, nothing less. And oh yeah, the bad guys are all loyal to one big, bad guy. Everything is black-and-white, everything is straightforward. All Esdeath wants to do is fight. This makes her just another boring, robotic character. See enemy. Kill enemy. Rinse and repeat.
— The emperor looks like an idiot in his lil’ boy shorts.
— But speaking of the emperor, he wonders if Esdeath would like anything more than just gold as a reward. She voices her desire to fall in love. Uh-oh…
Prepare some lube, Tatsumi, ’cause Esdeath looks like she gives the fucking and not the other way around. And how do I know she’ll fall in love with Tatsumi? Well, who else would she fall in love with? Butat’s gay, and Lubbock has practically been non-existent. Honest? C’mon, anime would never waste a hot anime babe on a fucker like Honest. Look through some doujinshi if you want to scratch that itch.
— Speaking of honest, this is Esdeath’s reasoning for turning the bastard down: “…given the minister’s high blood pressure, he may not live to see tomorrow.” Whoa! Have you not heard of HAES, shitlord?! Naturally, Honest believes he is in perfect health. I’m sure he thinks he’s an athlete because he can walk for twenty minutes without stopping.
— According to Esdeath, she has very specific requirements for a lover. Oooh, ooh, lemme guess. He has to be A) the main character and B) the main character. Am I right? Or am I right?!
— But let’s check up on the good guys for just a second. Tatsumi thinks it’s odd that Akame can be so calm about Sheele’s death. Shrug, everyone deals with tragedy differently, buddy. It doesn’t mean they’re not hurting on the inside. In fact, I bet Akame is really hurting, so we’ll have some trite moment where she reveals how torn up she is, and this calm facade she’s projecting is just a coping mechanism. After all, the anime wants us to sympathize with the girl, so she’s not going to be some cold-hearted killer who can’t feel emotional pain… y’know, as much as that would make sense for a long-time assassin.
— Aaaaand we’re back to Esdeath and all that love talk. Uguu, what is this strange, perplexing desire to love another human being? Why is it that I, a strong, powerful female general, feel the need to throw myself into the arms of a man! Meanwhile, all the Esdeath fans out there instantly sit up and think, “So you’re telling there’s a chance!”
— It appears Esdeath will send these three dorks after Night Raid. I wonder who’s going to die this time. Sadly, Mine is injured, so she won’t even participate in the upcoming battle. So I guess we can safely rule her death out.
— Welp, there it is. Tatsumi tells Akame he finds it amazing she can be so well-composed and instantly — INSTA-FUCKING-LY — she drops the plate of dango she had been carrying. I WAS WELL-COMPOSED. WAS. BUT YOU, THE GORMLESS SHOUNEN HERO, HAVE SHATTERED MY STONY FACADE IN JUST A SINGLE SENTENCE. A-BLOO-BLOO.
…this is just stupid.
— I’m just an anime shoujo! If you spend time with me, will I not be tsuntsun to you? If you pat my head, do I not uguu? If you compliment me, do I not blush and yell, “Urusai!”? And if my friend dies, do I not cry?!
— Look, my problem here is not that Akame actually feels great emotional pain. My problem here lies in the fact that this was hilariously predictable. Even when the characters are imprisoned by their immense feelings of anguish and pain, none of these things shine through. The anime is too cliche for me to connect with any of its characters. In fact, everything is so by-the-books that the story is funnier than it is tragic.
— And now Tatsumi’s crying too, because gosh, he’s such an idiot for moping around. Ugh, I GOTTA GET STRONGER. So y’know what he does next? He punches himself. Tatsumi fucking punches himself because he thinks that doing so will somehow give him the proper motivation. Yeesh. Don’t worry, buddy. Someone’s going to die next to give you that little push you need to finally take this shit seriously.
— The guy then promises Akame he’d never die. This way, he’d never make her sad! Of course you won’t die, dude. We wouldn’t even have a story without you!
— And nearby, Leone is listening in on everything. She then lets out a contented grunt like she’s some sagely character who just saw her disciples mature before her very eyes. THEY’RE GOING TO BE OKAY, GUYS.
— The next day, we get a short and boring training scene with Tatsumi, Akame, and Bulat. Yawn.
— Elsewhere, Esdeath’s three dorks kill some political opponents. A girl even gets skinned alive. That’s just Akame ga Kill! for you; shock value over substance. The three dorks then pass out flyers to pin the murders on Night Raid. That’s all it takes, I guess.
— Groanworthy: “Okay! The more experience I again, the stronger I’ll become.”
— Najenda assigns Leone to watch Esdeath’s movements in the capital. Leone then thinks she can take Esdeath out if there’s an opening. Hm, I wonder if she’ll die next. Hey, I wouldn’t complain.
— Najenda reminds her team that the people being targeted are pivotal for the new government! Pivotal! All the good guys are wholly good! All the bad guys are scum of the earth!
— Najenda: “Teach them the principles of an assassin.” Assassins with principles. Yep.
— The rest of the team split up to guard two different sets of political officials. So, uh, what does Najenda do? I mean, she’s the boss, yeah, but when everyone’s out in the field, what does she do?
— Akame and Lubbock find nothing where they’re at, so by process of elimination, Tatsumi and Bulat will run into trouble. Okay, nevermind what I had said earlier about Leone. I’m sure she’s safe since the hero won’t be there to hold her as she has her last breath. As for you, Bulat… it’s been fun… but seriously, you gon’ die, son. It became all too obvious when Akame started looking up to the sky, praying that her friends will be safe. You jinxed them, girl.
— Hell, we even get to see a tragic flashback from Bulat! He’s so dea–
Wait a minute, that guy looks familiar!
Oh man, you’re so dead, Bulat. After all, the story probably thinks there’s nothing more poetic than for you to die fighting someone you used to look up to.
— Elsewhere, Leone can smell the evil just emanating from Esdeath’s body. See? She’s not a Mary Sue character. She can’t even bathe properly.
— This dialogue is just so cringeworthy: “They didn’t take the bait, huh? A pity. I wanted to test some new torture techniques.” It’s like something a teenager would write. Plus, if Esdeath is so fucking strong, why doesn’t she just attack Leone first and get it over with?
— Apparently, one of the three dorks can debilitate people just by playing a flute. Tatsumi tries to escape to the outside, but Daidara — I think that’s his name — challenges our hero to a duel. As strong as these guys are, I don’t think it’s wise to be destroying significant parts of the ship…
— Bulat then interrupts the duel as he’ll be taking Tatsumi’s spot in the battle instead. He even goes, “…pay close attention to how I fight, and burn it into your memory.” The anime is basically just screaming the obvious in my face now.
— In one swift move, Mr. “I need EXP to get stronger!” dies like a chump. And hey, Bulat and the old man do know each other. But it’s okay, because the episode’s finally over. I’m free of this shit for at least another week.