More talk and the fanservice isn’t good. Is this it? Is this all that Captain Earth has to offer? Yes, yes it is.
— This will be a quick post because there’s nothing to talk about.
— How does the episode start? With exposition about how the heroes will link the Kivotos up to the Blume via an Entangle Link. They need to do this in order to get the Kivotos all the way to Uranus. Pfft, a real trip to Uranus would be better than this shit.
— But oh my god, you guys, a human has never undergone an Entangle Link before. Will they make it? Will they?!
— All of a sudden, Akari brings up this Planter Unit thing that Globe had been trying to develop. Wanna know what it is? It’s supposed to allow Hana to pilot the Blume remotely. This way, she doesn’t have to go inside the ship, which is risky since Daichi is the only person who can remove her. Buuuuuuut Globe never managed to get the Planter Unit right, so I don’t even know why the characters even bothered to bring this topic up.
— So we then cut to the Ark Faction dorks, and they are busy talking about how they won’t allow the Intercept Faction to ruin everything for them. There’s nothing new being discussed here. Nothing at all. They’re literally just talking about how they will retake the Blume no matter what, which is something they’ve always talked about. In fact, I don’t think they’re actually capable of talking about any other topic. They’ve been put on this planet to revisit this topic over and over and over until the universe literally tears itself apart. Oh wait, there’s one line in this entire scene that’s worth paying attention to: “Rewinding the clock to the Ark Plan is still possible.” Yeah, keep this small nugget of information in mind.
— Then after the opening credits, we see Kube sitting around, talking about what he’d do with eternal life. Remember that? Remember how Westvillage had asked him this question a while ago? Well, Kube finally has an answer: he thinks he’d be annoyed by the fact that the world is so small, and there are still so many things he does not know. Whee! What an awesome scene for us to see! It’s like, “Hey, don’t forget the Kube guy is still in this anime!”
— Then we cut to the Kiltgang. What are they up to, you ask? They, too, are sitting around, talking about super interesting topics that have never been discussed before–… nah, I’m just shitting ya. Anyway, the Designer Children finally plan on attacking Earth en masse! Oh boy! It seems, however, that Moco is having second thoughts. She seems to think being a Designer Child on this planet was not so bad. Great!
— Are we done talking yet? No.
— We now cut to the Tanegashima Base, where Westvillage has finally gotten Kube’s answer. Then the heroes contact Tsutomu to talk about…?! The Planter Unit! Which they can’t use anyway! Sure, maybe the damn thing will show up in a later episode, but it will not show up in this episode. I know it doesn’t. As a result, Captain Earth is just talking about shit that still do not matter. But wait, even trying to develop the Planter Unit in the first place shows everyone that Tsutomu cares about Hana. Wow, he cares!
— And oh yeah, they know the Kiltgang are about to attack, so they painfully repeat this information back to us. There’s a lot of repetition in Captain Earth. I await the painfully wrought blog post that explains how this sort of repetition is deep and meaningful.
— Finally, nearly halfway into the episode, everyone sees the Midsummer’s Knights off on their mission. There’s even a cringeworthy moment in which Hana addresses Tsubaki as mom. Ugh. But anyway, we’ll really see some action, right? After all, seven — that’s right, seven! — Kiltgang robots are headed for Earth. If there isn’t any action coming up, I’ll be sorely disappointed!
— No, there is no action. We cut to the heroes aboard the Kivotos. Hana is just about to enter the Blume and use the Entangle Link thingie to get them all to Uranus. She makes a promise with Daichi that they’ll spend some time together after the mission. Great stuff. Meanwhile, Teppei and Daichi are passing that stupid necklace back and forth. Sigh…
— So then we cut to the Designer Children again. What are they talking about now? Just exactly what we already know. The heroes are on their way to destroy the Oberon. Humans have never had to endure the Entangle Link. Daichi is a neoteny. Blah blah blah. It’s nothing new. Nothing new at all! Nothing whatsoever! And you know what? We’re already through 75% of the fucking episode!
— When we return to the heroes, they are finally under attack. But from who? From the Kiltgang? Hah, surely you jest! Instead, our heroes find themselves fighting a giant garlic clove.
— The giant garlic clove sends Cerberus after our heroes. Remember Cerberus? Yeah, it’s the unmanned Impacters from a few episodes ago. Well, they’re back! Yay! Let’s reuse old shit in the 22nd episode of the season! After all those expansion sequences, Captain Earth simply doesn’t have money in the budget to show us anything else!
— What does it take for Hana to drag her friends kicking and screaming to Uranus? For her to grow a giant penis of her own:
Oh man, I can hear it now. “Tee hee, how can you take the anime seriously?! I’m just watching her hold a giant dong and laughing!” Sorry, but there’s nothing funny about this. It’s just stupid.
— Daichi had to go out in the Earth Engine to fight off Cerberus. Although he does manage to do so, Hana completes the Entangle Link before Daichi could return to the ship. The garlic clove does some shit, then both the Kivotos and Blume end up ramming themselves into said garlic clove. Can you guess what happens next?
— Daichi wakes up in his old bed and wonders if it was all a dream! Yes! Is this a dream? Or did they go back in time? Who the fuck cares! Because we now know that the 23rd episode will involve Daichi running around as a student, pretending as though the last 22 episodes were not real! Great! What an amazing turn of events! I’ve just sat through three straight episodes wherein the anime stalled the story like people’s lives depended on it, and now we have this!
— In the last few weeks, Captain Earth has gotten progressively worse and worse with each passing episode. How is that even possible?