Captain Earth Ep. 22: Ugghghgughgh…

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More talk and the fanservice isn’t good. Is this it? Is this all that Captain Earth has to offer? Yes, yes it is.

— This will be a quick post because there’s nothing to talk about.

— How does the episode start? With exposition about how the heroes will link the Kivotos up to the Blume via an Entangle Link. They need to do this in order to get the Kivotos all the way to Uranus. Pfft, a real trip to Uranus would be better than this shit.

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— But oh my god, you guys, a human has never undergone an Entangle Link before. Will they make it? Will they?!

— All of a sudden, Akari brings up this Planter Unit thing that Globe had been trying to develop. Wanna know what it is? It’s supposed to allow Hana to pilot the Blume remotely. This way, she doesn’t have to go inside the ship, which is risky since Daichi is the only person who can remove her. Buuuuuuut Globe never managed to get the Planter Unit right, so I don’t even know why the characters even bothered to bring this topic up.

— So we then cut to the Ark Faction dorks, and they are busy talking about how they won’t allow the Intercept Faction to ruin everything for them. There’s nothing new being discussed here. Nothing at all. They’re literally just talking about how they will retake the Blume no matter what, which is something they’ve always talked about. In fact, I don’t think they’re actually capable of talking about any other topic. They’ve been put on this planet to revisit this topic over and over and over until the universe literally tears itself apart. Oh wait, there’s one line in this entire scene that’s worth paying attention to: “Rewinding the clock to the Ark Plan is still possible.” Yeah, keep this small nugget of information in mind.

— Then after the opening credits, we see Kube sitting around, talking about what he’d do with eternal life. Remember that? Remember how Westvillage had asked him this question a while ago? Well, Kube finally has an answer: he thinks he’d be annoyed by the fact that the world is so small, and there are still so many things he does not know. Whee! What an awesome scene for us to see! It’s like, “Hey, don’t forget the Kube guy is still in this anime!”

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— Then we cut to the Kiltgang. What are they up to, you ask? They, too, are sitting around, talking about super interesting topics that have never been discussed before–… nah, I’m just shitting ya. Anyway, the Designer Children finally plan on attacking Earth en masse! Oh boy! It seems, however, that Moco is having second thoughts. She seems to think being a Designer Child on this planet was not so bad. Great!

— Are we done talking yet? No.

— We now cut to the Tanegashima Base, where Westvillage has finally gotten Kube’s answer. Then the heroes contact Tsutomu to talk about…?! The Planter Unit! Which they can’t use anyway! Sure, maybe the damn thing will show up in a later episode, but it will not show up in this episode. I know it doesn’t. As a result, Captain Earth is just talking about shit that still do not matter. But wait, even trying to develop the Planter Unit in the first place shows everyone that Tsutomu cares about Hana. Wow, he cares!

— And oh yeah, they know the Kiltgang are about to attack, so they painfully repeat this information back to us. There’s a lot of repetition in Captain Earth. I await the painfully wrought blog post that explains how this sort of repetition is deep and meaningful.

— Finally, nearly halfway into the episode, everyone sees the Midsummer’s Knights off on their mission. There’s even a cringeworthy moment in which Hana addresses Tsubaki as mom. Ugh. But anyway, we’ll really see some action, right? After all, seven — that’s right, seven! — Kiltgang robots are headed for Earth. If there isn’t any action coming up, I’ll be sorely disappointed!

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— No, there is no action. We cut to the heroes aboard the Kivotos. Hana is just about to enter the Blume and use the Entangle Link thingie to get them all to Uranus. She makes a promise with Daichi that they’ll spend some time together after the mission. Great stuff. Meanwhile, Teppei and Daichi are passing that stupid necklace back and forth. Sigh…

— So then we cut to the Designer Children again. What are they talking about now? Just exactly what we already know. The heroes are on their way to destroy the Oberon. Humans have never had to endure the Entangle Link. Daichi is a neoteny. Blah blah blah. It’s nothing new. Nothing new at all! Nothing whatsoever! And you know what? We’re already through 75% of the fucking episode!

— When we return to the heroes, they are finally under attack. But from who? From the Kiltgang? Hah, surely you jest! Instead, our heroes find themselves fighting a giant garlic clove.

— The giant garlic clove sends Cerberus after our heroes. Remember Cerberus? Yeah, it’s the unmanned Impacters from a few episodes ago. Well, they’re back! Yay! Let’s reuse old shit in the 22nd episode of the season! After all those expansion sequences, Captain Earth simply doesn’t have money in the budget to show us anything else!

— What does it take for Hana to drag her friends kicking and screaming to Uranus? For her to grow a giant penis of her own:

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Oh man, I can hear it now. “Tee hee, how can you take the anime seriously?! I’m just watching her hold a giant dong and laughing!” Sorry, but there’s nothing funny about this. It’s just stupid.

— Daichi had to go out in the Earth Engine to fight off Cerberus. Although he does manage to do so, Hana completes the Entangle Link before Daichi could return to the ship. The garlic clove does some shit, then both the Kivotos and Blume end up ramming themselves into said garlic clove. Can you guess what happens next?

— Daichi wakes up in his old bed and wonders if it was all a dream! Yes! Is this a dream? Or did they go back in time? Who the fuck cares! Because we now know that the 23rd episode will involve Daichi running around as a student, pretending as though the last 22 episodes were not real! Great! What an amazing turn of events! I’ve just sat through three straight episodes wherein the anime stalled the story like people’s lives depended on it, and now we have this!

— In the last few weeks, Captain Earth has gotten progressively worse and worse with each passing episode. How is that even possible?


10 Replies to “Captain Earth Ep. 22: Ugghghgughgh…”

  1. I can’t help but notice the incompetency of Globe to not even send a single support crews with the kids onboard the Kivotos. I mean, sure they are the the heroes, and that ship is probably fully automated, but who in their right mind would send out these kids off without additional assistance? Either the adults in this series are utterly useless or they are big-ass cowards.

    And when the hell did Moco even started to find her earth life enjoyable? I can’t remember.

    1. I can’t help but notice the incompetency of Globe to not even send a single support crews with the kids onboard the Kivotos.

      The idea is that most humans can’t handle the Entangle Link, but these kids might just be able to. ‘Cause they’re special.

  2. I can see why you’ve been delaying these reviews lately… in additional to Aldnoah.Zero.

    Man, that sounds like utter shit, and we’re gonna have a “Daichi staggers around in a concussion dream/artificial simulator” situation. I’m glad I’ve bailed on this clunker.

    I know Hana is Ms. Fanservice & the show has done everything possible to show her body, but why have the hyperspace mechanism look like a dildo? As strange as this’ll sound, I’d be more comfortable seeing that if she was wearing her pilot suit because there are so many ways you can go wrong with that sequence.

  3. I’m having some major gripes with the episode (and the show in general)
    1. Is this show trying to make me like the bimbo, Moco? Despite the fact she is a higher/holier-than-thou selfish slut. YOU CAN”T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS!!
    2. Considering that the Gears have a second form/body structure while piloting the Kilttgangs, why doesn’t Hana have one inside the Blume? Oh. I answered my own question, fan service.
    3. My reaction at the last part was, “Oh, it’s a Midsummer (K)night’s Dream! Ha ha HA HA HA FUCK!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS NOW?!!!!”

    I have a feeling that the next episode can be two things, a way to psychically go back in time to warn the situation, or the reveal of the true forms of the Livelaster, who in doubt bring in a big asspull.

    Salty Dog is salty

      1. Granted. Moco is still a “higher-than-thou-” thinking she’s better than humans despite abusing the privileges of humans. I will bring out the big band once Moco dies.
        The point of the mater is that with the exception of Baku and Setsuna (and some cases Teppei) the Gears are terrible people.

  4. As the great stuntman Hal Needham once said: “Screw the dialogue, let’s wreck some cars.”
    But in the anime context, replace “cars” with “bad guys”. Now I’m not saying there should be no or shitty dialogue, but the number 1 golden rule is “quality over quantity”; make every single word count. Less and meaningful dialogue > MORE dialogue.

    Talk is just a cheap tactic to pad the episode and, yes, it’s boring as fuck. And if you really need to pad out your episode until the end credits roll, there are some serious problems. Maybe make more stuff happen in between major plot points? And fuck you if your mind immediately sprang to “filler” or “beach/summer festival/onsen”. Maybe replace all your horse-shit blah-blahs and cut down on episodes. Yeah, I guess you’ll get paid less, but guess what, people will like your shit more. I’d rather watch a 15 episode masterpiece than Bleach.
    And that’s why most everyone I talked to said SAO II’s episode 7 is no doubt the lowest point of the season. Or maybe 80% of Mahouka. Because of talktalktalktalktalktalktalk and no action (or just abysmally pathetic action). It sure makes for great TV when people are tuning in for action.

    This is mecha we’re talking about here, part of the action genre. Where viewers come and want to see get shit wrecked with laser beams. Instead of having a side character girl creaming herself of how sugoi the MC’s technique is and worse EXPLAIN HOW SUGOI IT IS, let’s see the action unfold and make it flashy and awesome. And maybe if the super-awesome move is so HIGH CONCEPT that you need a real-time minute to explain all the intricacies of it, then don’t make your character such a Gary Stu.

    PS: Jesus H. Fuckin’ Christ. What kind of amateur hour bullshit are we talking about with that futanari “fan service”. Yeah, because serious military R&D wants to make everything look like a phallis if they can help it, “Oh, I hope girls will use this. That’s tonight’s fap material”.

    1. Well, the thing is, they can talk if they want to. But when the talk is really just more of the same, that’s when it fucks up. I wouldn’t mind watching a “mecha” show that had a lot of good discussion. It would be a novelty even. It’s just every conversation in Captain Earth simply parrots what the story has already long established.

    2. [quote]Instead of having a side character girl creaming herself of how sugoi the MC’s technique is and worse EXPLAIN HOW SUGOI IT IS, let’s see the action unfold and make it flashy and awesome. [/quote]
      OMG. Daichi and Hana is fucking Tatsuya and Miyuki without the incest and double the angst. How did I not see it before?

  5. I’m actually enjoying the show, not even among my top but I can’t really say it’s shit. It’s got a fair share of faults, it faltered quickly after it started, but it did find it’s pace and has been a fun ride for me. There’s honestly been far worse shows from last season and this that I can forgive this for it’s faults.

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