Rape Art Online part deux.
— The fight with the bad guy is finally underway, but please… please cut to Sinon and have her feed us a pointless monologue:
Sinon: “Right now, Kirito is trying to translate his words into action, by stopping the criminal named Death Gun, who carries the darkness of SAO.”
— Now back to the fi–… oh, we’re going to cut to Asuna instead, ’cause that’s exciting. Please, keep stalling. I don’t even know why everyone’s watching the fight with great concern anyway. There’s no threat to Kirito’s life. Even if he loses to Death Gun, he won’t die in real life (uguu, his heart rate is high!!!). Sinon’s the only one who is in real danger.
— According to the nurse, Kirito is sweating buckets! BUCKETS! He will literally dehydrate himself if this keeps up! Well, why isn’t he hooked up to a saline drip, nurse?
— She goes on to say, “We can’t have him log out temporarily, can we?” And disqualify himself from the tournament? SURELY YOU JEST! Winning this shit is far more important than my own life as well as Sinon’s!
— Asuna: “No matter what we say here, Kirito-kun won’t hear us.” These VRMMOs are beginning to sound more and more like a nightmare. They’re so goddamn unsafe. Obviously, we’ve covered how physically unhealthy these games can be. But man, you can’t even receive messages from people in the real world. What if your loved one just got into a car accident? Shrug, sorry, can’t hear you. What if the tornado siren just went off? LA LA LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU. But seriously, do you think anyone would approve of such a device when it’s this unsafe? Of course not. There would be a huge uproar over this. But in the universe of SAO, everyone just accepts that this is how VRMMOs are. They’re plot contrivances to create drama.
— And it’s just like how GGO is operated by a foreign company, so you absolutely can’t receive any help from them.
“Hey, uh, we have concerns about something involving your game. We have plenty of evidence to support it, so if you don’t mind, could we open up channels of communication and discuss this matter in-dept–…”
“NO FUCK YOU THIS IS AMURICA WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT! NO CONTACT INFO! NO CONTACT INFO FOR YOU!”
It’s so mind-boggingly stupid, I don’t even know where to start. If GGO is literally as popular as the anime claims it to be, then why on earth wouldn’t the company listen to everything? If anything, it’s just good PR. People defended this shit, too. People who have no fucking concept how the real world works.
— Asuna has to explain that the Amusphere will shut off automatically if Kirito’s about to die. You’d think that someone would’ve explained this to the nurse beforehand before letting her oversee the guy’s safety.
— Yui then tells Asuna to take Kirito’s hand. Uh-huh. Even though he can’t hear you in real life, the warmth of his waifu’s hand will reach him in-game somehow.
— Yui lament, however, that she can’t hold her papa’s hands.
— OH MY GOD, IT’S EVEN DUMBER THAN I THOUGHT:
Asuna: “No, that isn’t true. I’m sure your hands will also reach him.”
SHE THEN PROCEEDS TO PUT KIRITO’S LIFELESS HAND ON THE FUCKING PHONE:
Don’t even get me started on how Yui even knows the hand is on the phone. Like how does she know? Y’know what? I’m dead. I’m dead, man. SAO has slain me. Instead of watching the actual duel between Kirito and Death Gun, this is what I get. This is what I get. DON’T WORRY, AI LOLI, PAPA CAN FEEL YOUR WARMTH TOO. GROPE THIS PHONE, BAE. YOUR FAKE E-DAUGHTER WANTS TO FEEL YOUR CARESSES.
— Yeah, yeah, cheer Kirito on together with your fake e-daughter. All Asuna gets to do in this arc is pray by the Gary Stu’s side. Wait, no, she may as well pray to him. I’m glad we cut away from the fight to show the world that Asuna is the perfect waifu! Take notes, ladies!
— Are you kidding me? Kirito suddenly links Death Gun’s red eyes to someone who had red eyes back in Aincrad. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, of the entire guild, only one of them wore a mask that had red eyes! That’s his look, yo. He’s the only one who was allowed to wear a skull mask with red eyes! Don’t steal it!
— And just like that, Kirito knows Death Gun’s real… uh, in-game name: Zaza. No, wait, it’s Red-eyed Zaza. Ain’t nobody else got red eyes! In truth, however, this just makes the villain come across as a complete idiot. If it’s true that he was the infamous Red-eyed Zaza, then WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PICK A LOOK THAT GIVES IT AWAY? I’m going to kill again… and I’m going to look exactly like how I looked in SAO!
— Kirito: “This attack via prediction line is an illusion containing all of Sinon’s experience, insight, and fighting spirit! I can’t waste this last attack… THIS PHANTOM BULLET!” Snort.
— This… this doesn’t even look cool. You’d think they’d put everything in this climactic moment, and it looks like that. Holy fuck.
— And for some reason, Death Gun explodes. Okay.
— Death Gun’s body is cut in half, but he is still “alive” enough to say a few final words to Kirito. How come you don’t see this when other people die? Why does Death Gun actually get to lie there on the ground and keep yapping? Because once again, SAO has never been about being true to MMOs.
— Then Kirito has to coolly walk away from Death Gun’s lifeless body. Walk away to what? Shouldn’t he log out now? Shouldn’t he rush to ensure Sinon’s safety in the real world? Didn’t he say the bad guy could be in Sinon’s room right now?! Like right the fuck now?! No, I’d rather look cool and walk away from the camera!
— And now, he’s walking towards Sinon! LOG THE FUCK OUT. BOTH OF YOU. LOG. THE. FUCK. OUT.
— There are so many reasons to log out. So many reasons! Sinon’s possibly in grave danger! I gotta give the name Zaza to my bosses, so they can track the bad guy down! Asuna and my friends will probably want to see me in real life!
— THEY’RE SMILING AT EACH OTHER. C’MON.
— THEY’RE BROFISTING AGAIN. C’MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON.
— Remember: it doesn’t matter that Death Gun is dead in game. First, he can just fucking respawn and wait for them to leave the tournament. Secondly, he’s still alive in the real world. He still has people’s addresses. He could be meeting up with his accomplices right now. But please, let’s just stand there and marvel at how fucking beautiful the sky looks.
— Oh right, right… we can’t possibly log out without first deciding the winner of this fucking tournament. All of the things I mentioned above are secondary to that. FIRST THINGS FIRST, ASSHOLES: NAME THE WINNER TO THIS TOURNAMENT!
— Kirito: “With Death Gun gone, his partner that was after you should have left. So if you log out, you should be safe.” How would you know that? HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT? That is so dumb. Welp, my accomplice died in-game, so I guess I should just leave! No hard feelings, right, Sinon? Oh right, you can’t hear me! Hahaha, silly me! Anyway, I’ll just be on my way!
— But even if Kirito is right, that’s such a dumb risk to take.
— And again, Death Gun isn’t gone. He was defeated in the BoB tournament. That’s it. He’s not gone. This is so fucking stupid.
— Kirito suggests, “But it would be safest to call the police, anyway.” Sinon comes back with, “What would I even tell the police?” Kirito replies, “Huh, that’s right!” It doesn’t matter! Someone possibly broke into your house. Even if they hadn’t, they know your address. That by itself is enougLDELEKJRLJDSFOJUDLFK
— So Sinon leans in and whispers her name and address to Kirito. Yeah, she leans in. ‘Cause there are people around them. Save me, Gary Stu. Save me! I won’t call the police. Only you can save me! Yes, they’re still talking. Yes, it’s likely that everyone in the real world is still watching this entire shit unfold.
— Wait, wait. Let me fucking guess. She’ll log out, and her classmate will want to rape her, huh? C’mon, this is Rape Art Online, after all. If Kirito doesn’t save a girl from near rape, it doesn’t count! We’ve all seen the ALO arc!
— Oh hey, what a coincidence! Sinon even lives nearby. Tokyo is so small, haha!
— Kirito asks, “After I log out, want me to go there?” Sinon’s reply? “No, I’m fine. There’s a friend near me I trust.” And then the Gary Stu will literally save Sinon from this “friend” that she trusts, proving once and for all that you can’t trust other men. You can only trust the Gary Stu! Every other man is a rapist!
— Sinon: “Anyway, are you just going to have me reveal my personal info, and that’s it?” Who the fuck cares? It’s not like GGO will disappear. It’s not like Kirito will disappear. You fuckers can just log in tomorrow and share your shitty fucking info then. NO, I NEED TO KNOW THE GARY STU’S REAL NAME NOW.
— Jesus Christ, the giant heads and nonexistent shoulders. The animation in this show isn’t even good.
— Kirito says that before they log out, they need to end the tournament: “Want to have another duel like yesterday?” For fuck’s sake…
— So instead, the two of them have a lover’s suicide. Sinon pulls out a grenade, tosses it at Kirito, then hugs him tightly. Yep. This will ensure that they are both winners of the game. But, uh, everyone’s watching you. Everyone just saw how you conspired to make this a tie. This isn’t cheating… how? But of course, in this universe, nobody gives a shit. The spectators are cheering gleefully instead. There are fireworks all across GGO as well. What a joke. Smartest anime, my ass.
— We see Sinon log out and proceed to search her house for the intruder. She doesn’t call the police. She doesn’t call her mom. She doesn’t even have a weapon on her in case she needs to defend herself. She just nonchalantly searches her house for the intruder.
— Oh hey, it’s her trusted friend!
— Even if Kyoji was truly a trusted friend, why wouldn’t they leave this unsafe location? Even if Kyoji wasn’t one of the three bad guys, the bad guys still know where Sinon lives. But do we see any sense of urgency in the girl? No, she sits there all proud and shit because she just “won” the BoB tournament.
— But now that the tournament is over, Kyoji wants her to be his again. Uh oh!
— Never change, Rape Art Online…
— Truth is, she could kick him super hard in the balls right now, but…
— Kyoji starts crying about how GGO was his life. Good lord. Ban all VRMMOs. Ban them all.
— Kyoji: “I’m sure you’re the only girl in Japan who’s killed a real bad guy with a real gun.” Yep, only her. You got it, buddy.
— This scene just keeps going and going and going. Kyoji has to reveal EVERYTHING. Bad people just love to sit there and yap incessantly about nothing. Why he singled Sinon out, why he chose the gun that he chose, why he killed Zexceed, etc. It’s just bad, cliched storytelling.
— Oh my god, here’s the saddest part. Sinon then fades away to the inner parts of her consciousness because she no longer wants to hear or see anything in the real world. Basically, she just gives up. But then she remembers how Kirito was going to come see her! She can’t be fucking assed to save herself, but the Gary Stu is what changes her mind. This is so pathetic. Sinon’s in-game self suddenly comes by to give her a pep-talk. Ahahahaha, whatever. It doesn’t bother me necessarily that Sinon gives up. Obviously, she’s been through a lot of shit. Obviously, she’s traumatized. Obviously, some people freeze up. It’s the Gary Stu’s presence that’s troublesome. Just the mere thought of him alone gives her strength to fight back. Otherwise, she would’ve allowed herself to be raped. Just think how fucking insulting that is.
— But Sinon can’t even save herself:
SAO won’t allow that. The haremette can’t be self-sufficient. All she’s allowed to do is buy time so that the Gary Stu can burst into the room and play the fucking hero.
— And that’s exactly what he does:
Tune in next time to see Sinon cry into Kirito’s manly chest.