Hopefully, it won’t take Hitomi fifty bajillion episodes just to get through two minutes of actual tournament time. 

— Taiga keeps Hippie Pangolin busy, so Bunny Girl takes her chance to help Hitomi out. We all know Hitomi can’t die, so this is all just kinda obligatory. Like we have to see her get treatment, but at the same time, it’s not like I’m at the edge of my seat because I’m afraid that she won’t make it. As a storyteller, what do you do in these situations? I guess the only way to win is to not be predictable right from the get-go.

— Taiga thinks he can just knock the pangolin over and aim for its soft belly. Hippie Pangolin immediately counters by curling up into an impenetrable ball. According to the San Diego Zoo’s website, pangolins are prey to leopards, hyenas and pythons. Honestly, they don’t seem all that formidable to me.

— lol okay

— Hippie Pangolin opens itself up long enough for Taiga to foolish stick his hand (paw?) in. Whoops.

— And just like that, Taiga loses his arm. Oh well. He still insists on fighting, though. And out of nowhere, Hungry Hungry Hippo jumps in and knocks Hippie Pangolin out of the way. It’s like the only thing he’s good at. All he’s done all series long is knock people out of the way.

— Won’t this piss Taiga off, though? Doesn’t Taiga insist on fighting his battles alone?

— Hungry Hungry Hippo gets brutally stabbed in the stomach, but this gives Taiga an opening. So what does he do? Does he go for Hippie Pangolin’s supposedly weak belly? Nope, Taiga simply goes for one of his enemy’s eyes. Jesus, you couldn’t even take out both eyes to render him blind.

— As a result, he gets stabbed through the abdomen as well! It’s like Hippie Pangolin is trying to tell his opponent where to aim! “Here, dumbass.”

— Back on the boat, Yoko gloats gleefully, but who cares? Get back to the battle.

— Chesty Cheetah wants to have a go at Hippie Pangolin next since she appears to be the only combatant left standing. I mean, there’s Bunny Girl, but we know she can’t fight.

— But all of a sudden, Hitomi’s body starts to glow. A big explosion goes off, and she returns to battle even more “Honey Badgier” than ever. Like, what is this? Did she just go Ultra Instinct? Is she like a saiyan so she’ll just keep getting stronger out of nowhere if you don’t kill her outright? Is “Killing Bites” really just Ultra Instinct but with fangs?! According to Shidoh, this is actually her true form. But if that’s the case, why has she been hiding it all this time? What’s the point? Why not just fight at full strength and crush everyone?

— Honestly, I’m not digging the tanned look. She’s like a furry gyaru.

— According to Shidoh, Hitomi’s secret is that she’s naturally born this way, and this makes her the Origin Beast. Okay then.

— Hey, that’s not your line!

— Aaaand we get a momentum-killing flashback! I know you guys are just dying to see Loli Hitomi in the flesh.

— This guy really thinks he can catch a Loli Hitomi with that tiny net.

— What immediately follows is incredibly boring. Shidoh managed to tame Loli Hitomi with food, then he taught her how to talk. Eventually, he had to protect her from Chinese gangsters, and this is why she’s so goddamn loyal to him. In the end, Shinozaki saved them both because Shidoh obviously can’t fight. Who’s Shinozaki? Oh, just that wild announcer we’ve been listening to over and over. Yep, she can apparently kick ass.

— Still, I’m not here for this nonsense. I just want to see the Destroyal play out. It’s not like the show’s going to convince me to feel anything for either Hitomi or Shidoh. The story is bad enough as it is. Adding a lazy backstory on top of it isn’t going to do any good. All I’m doing is staring at the episode’s runtime, wondering if I’ll ever get to see Ultra Instinct Hitomi truly square off against Hippie Pangolin. Doesn’t look like it.

— Why am I staring at Hitomi’s posterior shortly after Shidoh tells us about him and the girl finally connecting?

— We finally get to see Ultra Instinct Hitomi headbutt Hippie Pangolin, but then the episode ends. Ah well. Tune in again in seven days for the next episode of Dragon Ball Z Killing Bites!