You may not like it, but this is what peak wolfy performance looks like. 

— I just got Octopath Traveler in the mail today, so obviously I’m chomping at the bit to play the game. Unfortunately, I have two of the more painful shows to watch today: this and Aoi’s Food Time Adventures. That’s not the exact title, but it’s close enough.

— According to this documentary produced by Wayne, Sha Rijan was a total badass. She came to London from China and defeated Dracula. Yes, the Dracula. Also, there are good shadow people and there are bad shadow people. The good shadow people — like our bishes — are convinced that humans and shadows can coexist. What a buncha hippies. On the other hand, the baddies want to sow discord and chaos and all sorts of evil shit. Why? ‘Cause down with humans!

— Ton honestly seems more distressed about her ancestry than the fact that her friend is still missing. That’s right, Shinyao is still MIA. Basically, Chris saw the girl and fell in love or something. I’m not even joking. You’d think Ton would be more worried about her friend, but I guess not. To be fair, she does want to save Shinyao. I’m just surprised by her lack of urgency.

— Everyone’s honestly a little too laid back. Luke flat-out suggests that Ton is just cranky because she hasn’t had anything to eat, so he gives her a plate full of pasta. You may as well turn this into an ad for Snickers.

— Speaking of sustenance, Vlad apparently doesn’t need to drink blood. According to the descendant of Dracula, blood and seawater are “essentially” the same nutrition-wise, so all he has to do is take a straw to the beach. All he needs is salt, huh? Dude, if we just introduce him to some MOBAs, it’d be like an all-you-can-eat buffet.

— While we’re at it, you wanna know what else is salty and has the consistency of blood? I mean, he is surrounded by bishies.

— Plus, what’s the point? Seriously, what’s the point? He’s a vampire who doesn’t drink blood. So he’s just a dude who hates garlic.

— Elsewhere, we see Chris serve Shinyao the exact same pasta dish. I guess this is the only damn thing that werewolves can cook. I dunno, that’s just hilarious to me. So according to Japan, the following are werewolf traits:

• Super strength
• Super speed
• Super vision
• Super sense of smell
• Super healing
• Can cook a mean carbonara

Awesome. That’s how you know he’s husbando material.

— I thought Chris might want to defect and join the good guys, but nah. He’s still keeping Shinyao as a hostage, because he has a job to do: hand-deliver Ton to Haysin.

— Ton is frustrated that everyone keeps telling her to stay out of trouble. She wants to save her friend, but at the same time, she has to acknowledge that she’s just a puny human. Well, not really. Haysin probably wants to get his hands on her for that sweet, sweet Sha Rijan blood coursing through Ton’s veins. But for some reason, Vlad is super reluctant to help the girl realize her true potential.

— In any case, Luke tries to cheer the heroine up. He also promises that he’ll save Shinyao. After seeing the claw marks in last week’s episode, he probably already knows that Chris is involved. How can he be so sure? Maybe there are only so many werewolves in England or something.

— Later that night, Vlad and Wayne first discuss the tenuous but all-too-real connection between the bad guys and Snowmary, the company behind that disturbingly effective fortune-telling app. I found this scene super boring, though.

— Vlad then notices a certain werewolf running through the night. What is it, boy?! Is there something out there?!

— Awoooooooooo~

— Chris hears Luke and awoos back. And before you know it, they’re ready to face off in mortal combat.

— Guess what? Luke and Chris are werewolf bros. Like literally. Puppies from the same litter, man. I love how the show makes a big deal out of this revelation, too. The loud crescendo made me think I was watching Inception or some shit. B-brothers? What a twist!

— Basically, Luke was supposed to trade Ton for Shinyao, but I have no goddamn clue why Chris thought the guy would agree to that. Yeah, sure, gimme the support character and you can have the main character. That sounds like a fair deal.

— Luke is a hippie who thinks shadows can coexist with humans. On the other hand, Chris doesn’t. He can’t possibly hate humans, though. After all, he’s already in love with Shinyao. Rather, what he truly hates is his brother! Another plot twist!

— Back at the cafe, Ton finally realizes that Luke has gone missing. How? ‘Cause she was trying to bake him some burnt cookies, but she couldn’t find him.

— The girl doesn’t understand why no one is concerned about Luke being missing. Um, shouldn’t she be more concerned about Shinyao?

— Back at the illegal dogfighting ring, Chris gets the upper hand on his werewolf bro, but their fight is quickly interrupted by… um, more dogs. Haysin doesn’t want to waste time. He just wants Ton, so if Ton is not here, they may as well get this over with so he can go back to hunting Ton. Ton, Ton, Ton.

— Still, I’m tickled over the fact that he sent more dogs to a dogfight.

— Luckily for Luke, his buddies show up just in time to protect him. Even though Tauryu is going to town with his Gatling gun from like — oh, I dunno, 20 yards away? — he somehow manages to hit only the ugly dogs. Luke is perfectly safe in this hail of bullets. Yep.

— Finally, Ton decides to t-pose in front of Luke in order to protect him. Oh no, she’s bugged out!

— Rather than unearthing a bunch of chains (even though she already unlocked this power in the very first episode), Ton pulls a giant metal shield from the ground and uses it to toss Chris aside like a ragdoll. But is it really a metal shield? ‘Cause if you have a solid metal shield that big, it probably weighs a fuckton! Ahahah… ah, I’ll see myself out…

— …after I finish this post.

— So where are her powers coming from? Her ring.

— Vlad then makes his entrance, says some bullshit I’ve already forgotten. Oh yeah, now I remember: thanks to all the howling, Vlad was able to use echolocation to find Luke. Yep. Afterwards, more fighting breaks out. Ton is looking for Shinyao, Vlad and Tauryu will continue to gun down dogs, and last but not least, Luke can finally fight Chris without holding anything back. That’s cool and all, but I just wish they hadn’t held back on the animation budget.

— Ton eventually finds Shinyao, and her best friend is all the way up there. But hey, we literally have a vampire that can fly.

— This dialogue is great:

“Why don’t you just kill me!”

“I told you, I love peace now!”

Wew lads.

— I had no idea werewolves could run up smooth surfaces.

— Like I told you already, this is peak wolfy performance.

— Vlad was supposed to catch Shinyao after she jumped, but Chris intercepts the ball then heads towards the endzone… more or less.

— Meanwhile, Haysin is just like, “Eh, whatever. Onto the next episode.”

— Are the good guys worried that they still haven’t managed to save Shinyao? Nah. According to Luke, Chris promised that he wouldn’t let Shinyao get hurt. Like really? Did he imprint on her or something? Is this some Twilight shit up in here?

— The best part is how Ton is cool with this explanation. Oh, okay, we’ll save her one day, but no big hurry! I mean, didn’t they come to London to study? And now she’s gallivanting around with a werewolf. Last night, she slept on the fucking floor. When’s the last time she showered? When’s the last time she even pooped? C’mon, Ton, have a heart.

— Try to do Ton’s pose here in real life. Just try it to see how ridiculous it feels.