You can’t even go shopping anymore without someone trying to steal your harem! What has this world come to!
How Not to Summon a Demon Lord Ep. 5
— The elves are willing to go to war over Shera. Why? Because her onii-chan really wants to bone her that badly. I’m not even joking.
— And because Shera has a huge bounty on her head, there’s nowhere for her to really hide in this entire city. You never know who might want to cash in on that bounty.
— Diablo goes to meet with the city’s lord, and we are told that the man is supposedly a badass. For instance, he can take down several Fallens all by his lonesome. So… where was he when the city needed him in last week’s episode?
— I thought it might’ve been cool if the lord had turned out to be another player stuck in this fantasy universe, but unfortunately, this is not the case. This is never going to be the case.
— The elves are all talk and no bite. Their army only number a hundred strong. Sure, they’ll be resorting to guerrilla tactics, but Diablo literally just murdered an entire army of Fallens in last week’s episode. Do you honestly expect me to believe that a buncha poofs in the forest can stand a chance against him?
— The lord wants to know why Shera would give up a life of luxury to be a dinky adventurer. She replies that she would like to discover her own worth, and she can’t do that as a pampered princess. On paper, her logic makes sense. But in reality, she’s a goddamn slave who is useless without Diablo. She’s not doing anything on her own. She can’t do anything on her own.
— Diablo then starts giving a speech about the merits of living free or whatever. Again, he owns slaves. He literally owns Shera and Rem.
— In the last two episodes, we were introduced to that Fallen haremette. Since Diablo’s attack shredded her clothes, she’s currently taking a break from the show. As a result, we have a new haremette to take her place: Alicia, the Imperial Knight! Rem is a summoner and Shera is useless, so I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have a boring knight join the team.
— After the unexciting meeting, Diablo decides to hit up the local weapon’s shop. Why? Because he doesn’t want to kill any of the elves. Unfortunately, he can’t control his own power with his current gear. As a result, the guy is deliberately gimping himself in order to not obliterate anything. So what does he buy? This ugly half-scythe, half-staff thingie.
— Shera has been warned that the entire city is potentially after her for the huge bounty on her head, but the stupid elf decides to wander away from her group anyways. As a result, a coordinated group of bounty hunters suddenly strike.
— Diablo would’ve easily caught up to Shera’s kidnappers, but in the end, he doesn’t have to. Emile, the greatest male feminist to ever live, stops the bunny bros in their tracks.
— In the aftermath, Alicia apologizes for letting Shera get kidnapped. Meanwhile, Shera suggests that if she could hold hands with Diablo, she won’t get lost. Ho hum.
— And that’s that. This was pretty much a throwaway episode. As you can probably tell, I’m desperate to wrap this up and move onto the next show.
— Weak plot? Talk about weak harem hijinks as well.
— All of the fanservice this week is devoted to Shera and her ridiculously huge breasts. The problem is that they look so anatomically incorrect at times. Does this look sexy to you? ‘Cause it sure as hell doesn’t look sexy to me. C’mon, her left breast looks like it’s attached to her armpit.
— When Shera gets kidnapped, the bunny bros have the girl in all sorts of embarrassing poses. But again, nothing here actually looks sexy.
— Then when she finally gets rescued, her crotch lands on Diablo’s face.
— Again, Alicia is the newest girl to join the harem, but unfortunately, it’s far too early for her to contribute anything. Tune in next week for that… maybe.
The Master of Ragnarok & Blesser of Einherjar Ep. 5
— Another episode where I could barely keep myself awake. This is probably the worst anime that I’m watching this season.
— The Wolf Clan finally goes to war with the Lightning Clan. Steinthor is super strong, but also super dumb. Because he’s so strong, he’s never had to rely on anything but his own raw strength. As a result, his army is poorly managed. One of Yuuto’s military leaders convinces many of the enemy soldiers to desert by simply informing them that the iron weapons beneath their feet are worth a ton of money.
— Yuuto never participates in any physical combat, but why bother? His smartphone gives him all the advantages that he needs to win every battle. More importantly, he has hot girls to protect him should jerks like Steinthor ever manage to draw close.
— I like how these horses just stand completely motionless as the two combatants go at it. Ugh, the humans are it again, Ed.
— At one point, seven different Einherjars team up against Steinthor, but they’re still outmatched. Luckily, their only aim is to slow him down long enough for Linnea to destroy a nearby dam. In doing so, a torrential wave surges forth and thus demolishes the Lightning Clan’s entire army. Steinthor somehow manages to survive, but he still has to admit defeat. Yawwwwn.
— At the end of the episode, Yuuto finally finds enough time to phone home. He promises his favorite girl that he’ll return to the present one day. The only problem is that he has no clue how he would even accomplish this. That’s easy, dude. Just drive your chariot during a storm, try to hit 88 mph, and the energy from the lightning strike should generate enough power to send you back to the future.
— But seriously, who actually enjoys this show? C’mon, be honest.
— Shockingly enough, this episode has almost nothing in terms of fanservice. All you get is Sigrun standing naked under the moonlight, but her hair is so long, there’s nothing for us to see.
— Oh yeah, I guess Yuuto faceplanted into Sigrun’s crotch at one point, so there’s that…
Island Ep. 6
— Did all of the harem shows collectively agree to take this week off, because every single episode is just goddamn boring?
— Even though this is only the sixth episode, Setsuna appears to have solved Karen and Sara’s problems. I’m skeptical about that, but let’s just roll with this for now. Basically, he now has to turn his attention to Rinne.
— To take stock, Rinne’s problem is that she used to love a boy, but that boy is now gone. She’s hoping that Setsuna is an older version of that boy. But is he?
— Plus, we can’t forget that stupid legend:
Basically, a former Rinne fell in love with her brother Setsuna, and this made a former Karen very, very jealous. As a result, she went to a former Sara to curse turn Rinne into a monster. The latter then killed herself, because monsters can’t be loved. Trust me on that. In order to lift the curse, Setsuna would have to reunite with Rinne when she revived at some later date. Isn’t incest just swell?
And since legends are 100% factual, Rinne hopes that she has just reunited with her Setsuna.
— Karen and Sara — the latter, especially — try to slow this runaway freight train down. Even though her last time-traveling theory was thoroughly debunked, our short, little miko still has another juicy one for us: if a person from the future were to have a baby with a person from the present, this would cause a space-time shockwave strong enough to destroy the world. Yeah, I don’t know what she’s talking about. I bet she’s just jealous.
— They’re not the only ones who don’t approve. For some reason, Rinne’s mother is not very pleased either. Why? Beats me.
— Anyways, Setsuna eventually hears about an alternative version to Rinne’s favorite legend. In this one, Rinne ends up falling in love with another man. When she suddenly recovers her memories and remembers Setsuna, she feels so guilty that she decides to commit suicide. Oh ho… now there’s a palatable outcome.
— Hearing this, Setsuna rushes home to look for Rinne. When he finally finds her, she confesses that she had already recovered her memories a while ago. More importantly, our Setsuna is not her Setsuna.
— She then tells our hero about what had happened that day. She would always come to see that boy in the shed every night, but on this particular night, the tide came in and prevented Rinne from returning home. When her father finally found her, he freaked out and threw Rinne’s Setsuna into the ocean. Yeah, that makes sense. Just murder a kid!
— He then melted in the sun like some sort of vampire. Shrug.
— Anyways, Rinne proceed to throw herself into the ocean in order to try and save her Setsuna. But she never managed to, and that’s how she lost her memories.
— So what now? Will she continue to fall in love with our Setsuna? And will this make her guilty enough to kill herself? One can only hope.
— Everyone’s problem on this show is that they are idiots. Sara believed that she was her own mother. Her own mother. Rinne is not as bad, but she’s still allowing some dumb legend to control her life. All of these girls’ problems can be solved by simply having them grow up, and that’s not a very good look for Island.
— Like the other shows his week, Island‘s latest episode barely features any fanservice.
— We get to see Karen’s three friends bathing, but they don’t even belong to Setsuna’s harem.
Yuuna and the Haunted Hot Springs Ep. 4
— It’s important to befriend each and every haremette, so in this week’s episode, we’re going to kill two birds with one stone. As you can tell from the screenshot above, Sagiri is up first. Don’t mind the fact that she appears to be missing her arms. Haremettes are moe no matter how many limbs they have.
— Like I said last week, Yuuna and the Haunted Hot Springs is a real man’s harem anime. It doesn’t even need to try with fanservice. Fanservice just happens. Standing by the window? Time to flash your panties. Turning around? Time to flash your panties. There is never a bad time to flash your panties.
— So what does Sagiri want with Kogarashi? Lately, an evil yokai has been targeting couples in a park, so she needs the harem lead to pretend to be her boyfriend. I guess straight couples are the only ones that work. According to this anime, gay couples don’t give off pheromones.
— But why couples? Apparently, the yokai is attracted to your pheromones. More importantly, it is attracted to the pheromones on your clothes. That’s right, this is a yokai that will eat your clothes and leave you naked! Now, I know what you’re thinking. You think this is just a sorry excuse to get Sagiri naked! And you know what? You’re absolutely right.
— Unfortunately, the yokai still won’t show up, so Sagiri blames the mission failure on her lack of femininity. Kogarashi suggests, however, that they just try to act more like a couple. As soon as she grabs his arm, the monster attacks. Really? Grabbing a boy’s arm is enough to release pheromones?
— Needless to say, Sagiri’s outfit starts falling to pieces. They better work quick.
— Kogarashi is completely shirtless, but luckily, his pants are 100% intact. They must be some super duper pants. Y’know, like the ones that the fighters in DBZ like to wear. When’s the last time you saw Goku pants-less?
— Aw, look at the yokai! It’s just a cute spider!
— Sagiri eventually murders the yokai with her special move anyways, but not before she pretty much shows Kogarashi the goods. Unfortunately for us, we’ll have to wait until the blu-rays come out. Ah, this cruel world!
— At first, Sagiri is glad to wear her school uniform again, but Kogarashi says she looks cute in the other outfit. As a result, we soon see her modeling in front of the mirror in that same outfit again. All tsunderekkos are the same.
— In the second half of the episode, it is now Yaya’s turn to be tamed.
— Chitose has to leave for a few days for a conference. As a result, the rest of the residents will have to pick up the slack and cook their own meals.
— Predictably enough, Yaya can’t cook. She simply plops down cans of cat food for her friends to eat.
— Nonko can’t cook either. She’s all about junk food. God knows how she manages to keep her figure if all she consumes are snacks and beer.
— Yuuna tries to whip up something edible, but not only does it look bad, it also tastes bad. Seriously, are these characters blind? Nothing here looks good. That beige bowl just looks downright unappetizing.
— Sagiri is a tomboy, so stereotypes dictate that she can’t cook. In fact, the harder these girls try to cook, the worse they seem to do.
— Yaya begins to follow Kogarashi around everywhere, but she never tells him what she wants. That’s not cat-like at all. My cat will scream to the high heavens for what she wants.
— Yaya also told the guy not to salt the fish, because she wants to feed them to her cat god. Uh, my cat loves salt, but whatever…
— There you have it: one tamed haremette.
Worst Harem of the Week:
It’s still The Master of Ragnarok & Blesser of Einherjar. It’s probably always gonna be The Master of Ragnarok & Blesser of Einherjar. It’s not just shaping up to be the worst show of the season. It’s shaping up to be the worst show of the year.
Your moment of zen: