This is why you spend the first two seasons gathering all these haremettes, folks. The girls are now pulling out all the stops to help save Kirito’s soul. But seriously, wouldn’t it be hilarious if Asuna and company eventually have to gather around his body and pray for his soul? These five girls make up the Lament Configuration of Kirito’s Former Warrior Princesses Turned Moe Blobs. Only together can they open a portal into an MMO and summon forth the Dark Lord of Harems into our world. Hell, the MMO is even called the Underworld. It all adds up!

— Oh hey, the episode opens with a blast from the past. Y’see, Death Gun tried to kill Asuna in the same exact way again, and in both occasions, Kirito had to save her. It’s like poetry. It rhymes.

— So we finally get to see what had happened after the attack. Kirito was rushed to the hospital, and all Asuna could do was wait. I’m guessing that at the end of every chapter, we’ll take an intermission and pay the real world a visit.

— See? She jinxed him. If she hadn’t bothered to get this heart rate monitor, nothing bad would’ve happened to the guy! Her punishment is to now stare at the heart rate monitor with a concerned look on her face for the rest of this arc !

— We’re then told that although Kirito is no longer in critical condition, he now has brain damage. Pfft, tell me something I don’t already know, doc.

— He may never even regain consciousness! Pull the plug, Asuna! Just pull the plug! I can’t bear to see our great hero Kirito like this! He deserves to leave this world in a dignified manner!

— A guy in a suit eventually shows up and tells Kirito’s family and Asuna that they must put Kirito’s life in his hands. In other words, the government’s hands. Is the show going to try and seriously tell me that sticking Kirito in an MMO is the only way to prevent brain damage? Really? Really?

— And as a result of Kirito being strapped into an MMO, no one can see him. His aunt was just outside parking her car, right? So she couldn’t see him either? They basically signed away their rights to the guy completely? Welp.

— We soon cut to Asuna and Suguha meeting up with the rest of Kirito’s haremettes. I almost thought Sinon wasn’t in attendance, but I forget that she looks considerably lamer outside of GGO. This is what happens when a tough, self-sufficient girl falls in love with Kirito. They just get to sit on the sidelines and worry like the moeblobs that they are.

— Oh no, what a conspiracy — Suguha tells the rest of the harem that the ambulance carrying Kirito never even made it to the next hospital. Where did they take him? Where could he be?!

— Girls, girls… the guy just needs a break from his harem, aight? We all need a break from hot anime babes every now and then. Hell, it’s even No Nut November right now. Kirito’s just in an MMO gaming marathon, munching on pizza and drinking Mountain Dew. Relax!

— It doesn’t take Sinon long to put two and two together: Kirito must be hooked up to that soul thingamajig. What a smart girl. Is she the smartest girl in Kirito’s Harem? She also has gun powers.

— Having said that, I think it’s pretty sad that a bunch of civilians could sit around and pretty much sniff out Kirito’s location. Way to cover your tracks, secret government dudes.

— Also, Asuna can use the heart rate monitor to track her boyfriend’s location. That’s hilarious. We’re literally uncovering government’s secrets by being a clingy girlfriend.

— Oh lord, she’s back. The magical MMO loli is back.

— Pfft, she’s pinpointing her daddy’s location, she says. I totally forgot that she thinks of Kirito and Asuna as her parents. My sides… fucking RIP.

— Kowalski, analysis!

— Kirito’s life signals disappeared around Minato Ward, so that’s exactly where Asuna is headed. Good thing our hero has a trusty male sidekick that his haremettes can rely on.

— Meanwhile, the other girls apparently having nothing better to do, so they’re going to sniff around Roppongi.

— Suguha tells us that they couldn’t dig up any information about the soul thingamajig. I’m shocked! Why wouldn’t the government officially patent its super secret technology!

— The other group eventually checks in and informs Asuna that Roppongi is a dead end. So is Kirito’s lifeless husk of a body hidden somewhere here? Not so fast, my friends! Yui tells her “momma” that a helicopter might have carried her “daddy” away.

— The characters wonder if Kirito might have been taken overseas, but I doubt he’s in another country entirely. A helicopter doesn’t have that kind of range. He’s probably stuck in a mysterious government base just some distance away from the Japanese islands. Still, Klein’s right. If the haremettes need to fly just to get to Kirito, then they’re outta luck.

— Welp, time to pray for his soul! Oh Dark Lord of Harems, First of all Gary Stus…

— Yui reminds Asuna to never give up, ’cause he never gave up on her! Sure, he might have taken his sweet time rescuing his girlfriend from her would-be rapist, but hey, she never got raped, did she? Yeah, I didn’t think so! And now it’s her turn to rescue him from getting ra–… wait…

— It all comes back to the bastard who created SAO. It’s like we’re playing Six Degrees of Akihiko Kayaba.

— Basically, a woman by the name of Rinko used to work closely with Kayaba (probably his lover or something). Kirito’s Harem might not be able to come anywhere close to this mysterious government facility, but maybe this lady can.

— Department of Microwave Engineering? C’mon…

— We soon cut to Rinko sitting in her home, looking over her emails. That shady dude in a suit had reached out to her, so this basically guarantees that this lady will be able to help Kirito’s Harem out. Again, the government does an amazing job at covering its tracks. It’s telling that only the Lament Configuration of Kirito’s Moe Blobs and their magical MMO loli could possibly crack this case.

— Oh lord, I was just joking about the lover thing, but she and Kayaba were in a relationship. She’s not over him either. Well, maybe she can find his digital ghost somewhere in all these dumb MMOs that have spawned as a result of his “World Seed.” Yeah, that’s also what I call my semen.

— I’m also still pretty ticked that people continue to idolize this dude. He trapped a bunch of kids in a game! He’s an accomplice to murder! This guy is a monster!

— I love it when pillow talk is about MMOs. Mmm, tell me more, daddy! Tell me how many children are going to die in your virtual death dungeon!

— So what does Asuna do? She sends Rinko an email. Please, ma’am… please help me resurrect the Dark Lord of Harems.

— And just like that, Rinko is in a helicopter to go see Kirito.

— So, uh, this is the secret facility where all the crazy MMO shenanigans are happening. Why does it have to look like that?

— Whoa, I thought the blonde lady was a new character, but she sounds like Asuna. I guess we’re going undercover, which is of course ridiculous. Normally, when you have a top secret government base out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, you do an extensive background check on every single person who steps foot onto said base. You don’t just go, “Oh, who’s this new person you got there? Oh yeah, your assistant? WELL COME ON ABOARD! IT’S ALL GOOD. MI CASA ES SU CASA!”

— Not only that, Asuna is able to fool some device that can totally verify your identity. I bet she relied on the powers of her magical MMO loli. The government is so good at covering its tracks.

— So what are we doing here at this top secret government base in the middle of the Pacific Ocean? We’re playing an MMO. Dope, right?! I bet y’all are so jealous! Well, make yourself at home! Pizza and Mountain Dew are in the back.

— Asuna doesn’t waste any time either. She immediately reveals herself before even bothering to verify that Kirito is here. I mean, sure, there’s a 99% chance he’s here. But she could’ve waited and see what would happen next!

— Oh lord, it turns out that they did do a background check on Rinko’s assistant, but not a very good one. For instance, all they did was grab a photo of the actual assistant off of her university’s database, which — unbeknownst to these brilliant government dudes — had already been replaced with a photo of Asuna. Not only that, Asuna’s face didn’t trigger an alert for her actual identity or anything? Amazing. Amazing job, government dudes.

— The episode finally ends with Asuna demanding to know where Kirito is. But why would they bother to help her? Now that they know she’s here, why wouldn’t they just instantly remove her from the base? What is she going to do? Pull out her sword and attack then? Pfft.

— But honestly, this episode definitely feels like the old, stupid SAO that we all know and love. The tree-chopping nonsense from the last few episodes is just so boring by comparison. On the other hand, patented SAO idiocy is second to none.