“Same thing we do every night, Priestess!”
— Hmm, this doesn’t look good. In fact, am I still watching the same show? Who is this girl and why does she look like some heroine from a happy-go-lucky anime? Hell, her hairband makes her look like a red-headed Haruhi Suzumiya…
— Luckily, what we’re seeing here is just a dumb, embellished story that someone is telling in a tavern. But hey, dumb story within a dumb story…
— Everyone’s busy singing the Hero’s praises, but as you can see from the screenshot above, Goblin Slayer cuts right to the chase. Yeah, let’s just get going already. I watched enough slice-of-life nonsense last week.
— Priestess whines that Goblin Slayer didn’t give them an option, but he did. Join him if you want a bag of gold, don’t join him if you don’t.
— Now she moves the goalposts and whines that he only gave her two choices. This is what you get when you adventure with 15-year-old adults.
— In the end, they all agree to come along anyways, but Elf Girl tacks on a condition: Goblin Slayer has to join them on an adventure afterwards.
— The girls tell him not to torture the goblins, but when has Goblin Slayer ever waterboarded goblins?
— In a world with no names, even the towns have boring, unimaginative labels. Our next destination looks neat enough, but it’s simply called Water Town.
— Goblin Slayer hasn’t had the opportunity to travel much, but Big Titty Childhood Friend (henceforth known as BTCF) has due to her job. As a result, she tells him all about the places she’s visited, so he actually knows a thing or two about this region.
— Imagine being both rich and capable enough able to build a temple like this, but a lot of people still live in relatively defenseless villages. As a result, I don’t understand why victimized villagers don’t just flock to these towns for protection like refugees. How many times do goblins have to raid your home before you realize that centralization is the way to go? Maybe some villagers do seek protection and end up getting turned away at the gates, but that would just make this world seem even more horrible than it already is.
— Finally, we get to meet the Sword Maiden face-to-face. Apparently, she also doubles as the Archbishop of some religion. She also looks rather young for someone in her position. And of course, because this is anime, her breasts are just outta this world.
— Goblin Slayer doesn’t waste time with pointless nonsense like introductions, small talk, and pleasantries. He just wants her to point him in the direction of the goblins. Let’s go smash some goblin skulls, boys!
— It turns out goblins are lurking somewhere within the city walls, because some poor temple girl’s corpse was just found in an alleyway. Even so, you gotta imagine that living here is a lot safer than the alternative.
— Yep, we’re just gonna sit on the floor of this giant hall.
— It doesn’t take long for the group to conclude that the goblins must have settled somewhere underground. Even so, they’re just goblins. If she is infamous for taking down the demon lord, they shouldn’t be a problem for her whatsoever. Unless, of course, goblins trigger her…
— Plus, does this city not have enough soldiers to root out the goblins? Do you not have enough people send underground while still leaving enough above ground to keep the city safe? I know what they’re going to say. They’ll just counter that the demon lord and his (her?) army is a bigger, far more important problem. I get that… but every single soldier is off to fight the demon lord’s army? Every single one? C’mon now.
— Apparently, Goblin Slayer’s feats have been spread far and wide by traveling bards.
— “Well, I ain’t promising you nuthin’ other than that I can kill goblins!”
— I’m already kinda getting tired of this group dynamic. Goblin Slayer keeps it simple. The girls get on his case for lacking tact. The men just shrug their shoulders. Rinse and repeat.
— This is exactly what I want to know! High-five, Lizard Man! But I already know what they’re going to say. The military is busy dealing with bigger threats, blah blah blah. That’s fine, but you should still have a police force of some kind to deal with domestic threats.
— So how do we get underground? By going down a well… what is this? Ocarina of Time?
— What’s the point of a well that leads to a vast, subterranean system? Shouldn’t, uh, wells provide water?
— Yo, why aren’t the girls drenched in blood yet? DRENCH THEM IN BLOOD OR ELSE THE GOBLINS WILL SNIFF OUT THEIR VIRGINAL BODIES!
— Apparently, the sewers are too smelly, so they don’t need to cover up their scent. But why not place it safe? DRENCH YOURSELF!
— It’s raining on the surface, so it’s also raining within the sewers. I dunno, that seems off to me. Like this wouldn’t be a really safe place to live if water can just soak through the stone walls, but whatever. I’m not an engineer. Not that kind, anyways.
— Lizard Man just hands Goblin Slayer a sickle-sword. Something like a kopesh? Or a velociraptor’s claw, I suppose.
— After tossing a jar that makes the goblins go nuts, both Goblin Slayer and Lizard Man hop onto the boat in order to murder their enemies en masse. Eventually, Dwarf Guy gets a spell off that capsizes the entire boat. But at some point, this has to be get old, right? There’s a reason why the Ogre encounter was much needed: he wasn’t a goblin. He could talk and cast spells. He was a real threat to our heroes. So who’s the final boss this time?
— I guess I’m just wondering when we’re going to find ourselves a villain who is actually human. Or elven, I suppose. Throw dwarves in there too for good measure.
— Well, let’s not relax just yet, ’cause there’s a giant alligator down here. I do like the Dwarf Guy asking Lizard Man to try and reason with his scaly cousin.
— Elf Girl has even more bad news: there might be more goblins headed their way. That’s fine, though. Just feed them to the giant alligator.
— Sure enough, we see yet another boat full of armored goblins. Okay, okay… if there’s really that many goblins down here, why haven’t they raided the city? We’re told that the military is busy fighting the demon lord’s armies, right? So shouldn’t this goblin force be big enough to do some serious damage? Why are they just attacking random civilians one-by-one?
— Yep, our heroes lead the giant alligator right to the new boat of goblins. Or to be more accurate, they manage to lure the goblins right to the alligator by casting Holy Light on the creature’s tail. Either way, the end result is the same.
— Now that the group is out of imminent danger, everyone comes to the conclusion that someone — someone with some brains — must have shown the goblins how to use a boat. But who? Who would do such a thing?
— Goblin Slayer speculates even further that the goblins didn’t naturally multiply their numbers down in the sewers, ’cause if they had, they would’ve known about the giant alligator. So they must have been brought here, but by who?
— The anime then cuts to a bunch of goblins sitting in front of a big, green troll-like leader… but it’s probably just an evolved goblin or whatever. What do they call them in that slime anime? Hobgoblins? Or is there even a rank above that? Whatever, I’m just gonna say that it’s Rigurd. Rigurd has come to play.
— Would an evolved goblin even be smart enough to teach his weaker cousins how to use a boat, though? Would an evolved goblin even be smart enough to lead his weaker cousins through the sewers in order to attack a normally well-fortified town? I dunno, it seems like there’s still the possibility that the goblins are being led by some smarter individual.
— Hell, those goblins we saw earlier had armor that fit them perfectly. This means they didn’t just loot random adventurers of their armor. I doubt goblins have blacksmiths and leatherworkers. They can’t even construct their own settlements.
— But whatever, at least this episode wasn’t 1) full of slice-of-life nonsense and 2) kept the sexual violence to a minimum (as minimum as a non-zero amount could be).