Ulysses – Jeanne d’Arc to Renkin no Kishi Ep. 8: What is this? Sleeping Beauty?

Well, it’s a good thing they didn’t need to keep Jeanne’s body from rotting or anything, ’cause the first fridge won’t be around for quite some time. 

— Oh, the Escalibor is supposed to be the Excalibur. What’s up with the weird new spelling? And why would it be in France of all places?

— So Astaroth corrects Batard and states that they’re only looking for the scabbard. Somehow, the scabbard is also powerful. Not only that, our little fairy is the same Lady of the Lake from Arthurian legends. Uh-huh. Sure you are.

Look how smug she is.

— But man, who knew a scabbard could be so strong? Forget the sword itself. I want the scabbard that can heal any wound. That sounds way more useful to me than some stupid weapon.

— Alencon then turns around and yells at them for distracting him. Distracting him from what? Walking? ‘Cause that’s all they’re doing right now.

— Back in Orleans, the battle rages on. All La Hire can do is sit and wait, I guess.

— The Escalibor search party eventually gets lost, because it’s been over a thousand years. As such, Astaroth doesn’t quite remember where to find the scabbard. In the midst of all the bickering, a bunch of stone pillars suddenly close in on our heroes.

— So what do our brave knights do? They pull out their swords. Yeah, that’ll do the trick! Fight the stone pillars!

— Luckily, Astaroth is able to quell them by having Alencon hold up the philosopher’s stone. The group then meets a bunch of fairies. They don’t recognize the fairy queen, but they’ll still help our heroes retrieve the legendary scabbard anyways. How nice of them.

— But when they get to the hiding spot, the scabbard is gone. It has been taken by yet another new face. You’re looking at Thomas from Wales. Yeah, you read that right. Her name is Thomas, yo.

— The new girl claims that the scabbard will return to England where it belongs. I mean, if she cares so much about that, shouldn’t she have more respect for Astaroth? She’s supposedly the Lady of the Lake, right? Unless that was a complete lie…

— To compound matters, a bunch of English troops are headed in this direction so our heroes can’t afford to sit around and wait for Thomas to climb down from her tree. As a result, Astaroth tells Batard to distract the girl while she goes and takes the scabbard back.

— Thomas sees through the ruse and shoots an arrow right through Astaroth — again, our Lady of the Lake seems to get no respect whatsoever! — but it turns out that our fairy queen can’t die. How convenient.

— Also, instead of seeing a gaping wound, we just see… uh, this purple light. I guess this is better than Jeanne’s pitch-black hole.

— Alencon then tells the girls– oops, I forgot that Batard is actually a boy. Okay, let’s do that over. Alencon then tells the rest of the party to go on without him. He’ll stay behind to delay Thomas’s troops. He’ll have to sacrifice himself, but he’d rather die than continue to live in his sister’s shadow. That’s stupid, but I guess I’m not a warrior.

— We suddenly cut to Montmorency and his army of reinforcements. They sure are taking their sweet time to return to Orleans. Out of nowhere, Astaroth shows up to deliver the good news. I guess she can fly that fast.

— Unfortunately for our hero, his bastard stepbrother stands in his way. But this is where the story’s pacing gets all jacked up again. When it seems as though Montmorency will be goaded into a pointless battle against La Tremoille, it’s now Alencon’s turn to suddenly show out of nowhere! How did he escape the forest unscathed?!

— Well, apparently what had happened was that his sister Richemont had heard about English troops milling about in their territory. As a result, when she went to investigate, she was in the right place at the right time to save her brother. How convenient! What’s even more convenient is that this all happened in the span of a minute of episode time! And now she’s here to save Montmorency!

— Also, when she saved Alencon, she cheered him up by drowning him in her breasts. And just like that, the guy realizes that he never cared about other people’s approval. Rather, what he really wanted was his sister’s approval. That’s just the power of boobs, y’all.

— I love how all the men are decked out in plate armor, but Richemont bares her giant breasts for the world to see. No need to protect those epiphany-granting puppies, I guess.

— Montmorency worries that having Richemont fight La Tremoille for him will put her in a difficult position politically. Too bad we don’t have a clear picture of what the politics are like.

— Nevertheless, Richemont insists that our hero must return to Orleans post-haste. After all, he has a waifu to save, and we all know that this takes precedence above all else!

— So what has the past few episodes been like for Jeanne? Well, she’s not dead, right? So her consciousness is just floating around in the infinite abyss as she cries out for Montmorency. Yeesh. It’s a good thing that he’s about to return to her side.

— And right on cue, Philip also wakes up. She then gets all pissy that Montmorency has not returned for her. Rather, the hero was returned for Jeanne. Dude, what did you expect? Oh man, I’m going to become all evil and join the bad guys–… aw man, how come no one likes me now?!

Well, she’s probably just mad that she has no nipples.

— But honestly, it’s a lose-lose situation. Charlotte and Philip are both non-starters. I hate their personalities. At first, I preferred Richemont’s personality over Jeanne, but then she started getting whiny. Design-wise, I guess I prefer Jeanne over the other girls’ gratuitously large chests. But at the same time, she’s technically a child. So like I said, it’s a lose-lose situation. No wonder Mortmorency eagerly promised Jeanne that he would remain abstinent with her.

— Anyways, Jeanne’s body is also running low on Montmorency’s sweet, sweet juices, so the scabbard alone can’t heal her. He’s going to have to plant big fat kiss on her lips like some sort of fairy tale prince.

— And just like that, the gaping wound in the girl’s chest starts to heal. I assume she also grows a new heart.

— Oh hey, Jeanne’s back. Well, don’t take too long to enjoy this moment, because we need you to fight!

— Tune in next week to watch, well, Jeanne fight. No rest for the weary.

— As for this episode, well… what can I say? New week, same ol’ pacing problems. Maybe they should’ve just adapted one book at a time.

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