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Anime Plunderer Series

Plunderer Ep. 5: I’ve died from alcohol poisoning

Welcome back to Plunderer, where everything’s made up and the Counts don’t matter! Okay, let’s play a game. Every time this dork adjusts his glasses, chug your alcoholic beverage of choice. Just do it. Give in to peer pressure. Who cares if you’re not old enough to drink! How else are we supposed to enjoy this trash anime?

There he goes again! Chug! Anyways, Licht and Jail fight some more, which just boils down to the latter creating matter out of nowhere. I love how his giant pillars of iron just keep flying out of his palm with no end in sight. Where do they end up?

If you’re wondering what Lynn is up to, she’s trying to get involved, but the joke’s on her, because her boobs are too big. Get it? Big boobs. Boobs. Girls. Boobs. Breasts. Wait, we’re getting distracted so let’s have more iron! More!

Chug!

Okay, let’s have some poorly animated hand-to-hand combat for some reason.

Then chug!

Licht is throwing the kitchen sink at Jail, but nothing’s working. All he’s got left in his bag is his signature move. You remember it. He used it with Hina. It involves jumping really high up into the sky and diving at your enemy with your sword out! But if he can jump that high, why not just jump over the iron pillars and escape…?

Jail quickly realizes that Licht can’t dodge while he’s falling from the sky, so he starts shooting more iron pillars at the hero. Again, where do these pillars end up? Do they just land on people’s heads?

In the billion years that it takes Licht to fall from the sky (clearly, gravity here is not 9.8 m/s²), Jail gets to yap about how evildoers fear him. Just don’t ask him to explain why Licht in particular is evil.

When our signature move completely fails, Jail has him all… jailed up. Kinky. As a result, we no longer need the iron prison. They just… uh, disintegrate. Where does the iron go? Honestly, you should know by now to stop asking silly questions.

CHUG

KEEP CHUGGING CAUSE HE AIN’T STOPPIN

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO BOY

THESE GLASSES OH MY GOD THEY ARE SO HEAVY

THEY KEEP SLIDIN OFF MY NOSE

SOMEONE HELP ME

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH–… anyways, don’t worry about the plot. You’re not missing anything. Trust me. Jail’s just asking a bunch of questions and getting no answers from Licht in return. So what will he do? He’ll whip the answers out of his foe. For some reason, Lynn decides to jump in the way of Jail’s attack. Why is she defending Licht? ‘Cause, um, y’see… he passed out fliersand he repaired a doll… so that totally means he’s a good guy! So y’know, why doesn’t Jail help build a park too! But seriously, what is this? Is this story written by a five year old? You interrupt a fight just to ask your superior to build a goddamn park? There’s still the fact that the fight is completely meaningless. You got a guy just standing here, going on and on about his stupid convictions.

You know what to do.

Don’t stop.

I’m dead, man. I’m dead.

…dude, this episode is more pushing glasses up than actual fighting. Anyways, Jail is a big mean poopie-head who ends up making Lynn cry. He tears up her fliers and calls her useless for worrying about the villagers instead of being a cool glasses-adjusting badass like him. This gets Licht really, really mad. So mad that he decides to show his true powers and break out of his restraints with ease. Why has he been holding back? Well, y’see, he was afraid that unleashing his powers would destroy this precarious town. But now that you’ve made the cute girl cry… TO HELL WITH THE TOWN! …wait…

DRINK

In return, Jail retorts that Licht isn’t the only individual who can hide his true power (like I told ya, the Counts are useless): rock’em, sock’em robot gloves! And so we clash and we clash… we clash so hard that the villagers are now in real danger. I mean, why should Jail give a shit? His job is to hunt down evildoers. If a few villagers die… meh. And why should Licht give a shit? He has to make Jail apologize to Lynn! If a few villagers die… well, y’know…

Licht’s praise ends up making Lynn… uh… is she having an orgasm? Nope, she’s about to die. Cool. So the hero does the hero thing and saves the girl. But he’s gotta neg her too. After all, he just blew smoke up her ass for a good minute or two! Ooooh, the town is so peaceful thanks to her! Yeah yeah, put that woman back in her place and call her fat! Then toss her right back where you found her!

In the end, Licht manages to escape. Jail gives up on chasing his foe, ’cause he knows he can’t keep up. Instead, he takes a second to stare at another flier. Yeah, stare really intently at it. Like you just got an epiphany. Eventually, he decides to throw Lynn a bone and construct a playground out of jet black iron.

Hey hey hey! Even if your back is turned, I know you’re adjusting your glasses, four eyes! DRINK!

Jail tells Lynn that she has three days to fortify that ugly-ass playground set. Afterwards, he’s going after Licht and she’s coming with him. Her only response is this derpy look on her face.

After the ending credits, I thought we would get a meaningful scene or something. But nope, it’s just Licht walking and grilling fish. And if you expect the story to move forward in next week’s episode, think again ’cause we have yet another girl to add to the harem.

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