Y’know, it was down to this or The Apothecary Diaries. I wanted a show to write about on Friday nights, but the pickings were slim. In the end, I can’t really stand love stories that involve one or more toxic partners, and the first time we see the male love interest, he’s covered in blood. What’s the modern equivalent for Japanese men? Landmine girls? Yeah, I’m too old for this nonsense. I don’t want emotional rollercoasters. I just want my partner to be my best friend. Oh, I’ll still watch Firefly Wedding. The only difference is that I’ll whine about it in one of my catch-all columns. This way, when I don’t feel up to writing too many words, I can bow out with a quick, lazy paragraph. “Bad man is bad!” Boom, done. I won’t feel obligated to say more if I don’t want to.

The story starts off inauspiciously enough. Our heroine Satoko tells us that women are just their families’ property (she’s not wrong), so she is supposed to marry a man she doesn’t love. So lemme guess, she’s going to meet the bad boy, he exhibits alarming traits like being possessive, jealous or just a plain psycho murderer, but she nevertheless falls in love with him anyway, then her parents drag her back home probably by force with other hot guys involved, toxic boy goes through hell to get her back, but then one of them tragically dies in the other person’s arms. The end. Rosebud. Insert deep metaphor here. Or maybe they’ll both die simultaneously in each other’s arms. That’s just called hugging, by the way. In case you didn’t know, especially if you only watch anime.

We quickly learn that our protagonist has a weak heart. Oh good lord, how could I forget? This is Asian drama, so of course someone — usually a woman — has to have a frail, sickly constitution. Better yet, she probably has an incurable affliction that means she has to die soon, which would give us the tragic ending I’ve already predicted. And oh good, she has a jealous, conniving little sister. A stepsister, to be exact. Love it. We gotta have backstabbing family drama on top of the doomed love story.

Daddy dearest wants Satoko to marry a rich man. This way, she can continue to get the medical care she needs and potentially live a long life. On the other hand, Satoko doesn’t want to lie to her suitors and trick them into marrying someone who will die young. Eh, I hate to say it, but a lot of men would just remarry. Still, I suppose she has her principles, and that’s somewhat admirable.

Well, during an excursion into town, Satoko’s bodyguard leaves her for just a moment to run some errands. And just like that, she gets abducted in broad daylight. Our girl eventually finds herself in a jail cell. This is when she finally meets Goto, her future love interest. For the moment, however, he has been hired to kill her. Kind of a weird setup, don’t you think? First, if their client just wanted her to die, anyone could’ve done it. Why this guy? He’s a famed assassin? Yeah, well, Satoko ain’t exactly a martial arts master. We’re not talking about the Bride from Kill Bill. She’s a girl with a bad ticker. Any of these thugs could’ve killed her. Hell, you could probably put on a mask and simply jump scare her to death. You don’t need some “legendary” guy to do the job… unless he isn’t meant to do the job. Hmmmmmm…

Second, the client doesn’t want anyone to violate the girl. Of course, I wondered who might have hired them to kidnap and murder Satoko. It’s not like we have a ton of suspects to choose from. Her hateful stepsister and stepmother would certainly have the motive, but why would they want to protect her chastity? Why would they care if she gets raped or not? Then could it be her father who put them up to this? But what for? Why would he want to kill his own daughter? Maybe she isn’t meant to die, but then why would he entrust his daughter to a bunch of thugs willing to get their hands dirty and kidnap people? These people have no honor. So sure enough, a bunch of bastards attempt to rape Satoko. They get a few punches in when she naturally resists. Only then does the toxic guy step in and save her, which means cutting the bastards up. It’s a trick, you see. Goto’s dangerous, but at least he wouldn’t rape her! Gosh, when you put the false dichotomy in front of me like that, I guess you win!

Satoko is just trying to survive, though. In her mind, she still needs to repay her father’s kindness. Oof, it’s gonna be so awkward when it turns out he hired these people. But we can worry about that later. All Satoko can think about at the moment is how to convince her would-be assassin and future lover not to murder her. So she offers herself up; Satoko proposes to the guy despite being surrounded by blood and chopped limbs. Mmm, romantic. Really makes you wanna giggle into your pillow and kick your feet.

More men show up. At first, they accost the would-be rapists for not following orders. C’mon, we weren’t supposed to touch her, bros! Do you wanna get kicked out of the frat? But then one of the would-be rapists — still clutching his missing arm, I must add — has enough “composure” to argue that they may as well rape her if she’s gonna die anyway! And guess what? His argument somehow works! Sure enough, the other assholes, standing in front of all the blood and gore, are like, “Hmm, yeah, you make a good rapey point, bro!” They then turn their attention back to the helpless Satoko. Welp, this is what an Ivy League education gets ya!

Fucking hell, the ads ain’t gonna like this post with all the times I’ve had to use the word “rape.” But what am I supposed to do? This is literally what the episode is about! Am I supposed to find some stupid, juvenile euphemism to talk around the nasty subject? Like how Youtubers go around saying “pdf-file” or “unalive?” Nah, fuck that. But don’t worry, ’cause I earn pennies from these posts. I’m lucky if ad money manages to cover half of the blog’s yearly upkeep.

Satoko claims that she’s fallen in love with Goto. He obviously doesn’t believe her, but he’s a professional so he makes a quick escape with the girl. As a result, he murders the other men who keep going after her. It’s quite ridiculous, really. Is she really that hot? Is she Japan’s Helen of Troy? One of those men creepily licks his lips in front of Satoko even though Goto is cutting the rest of his bros down with ease. I know we get pretty damn horny, but c’mon, this is beyond silly. Nevertheless, Goto tries to catch Satoko in a lie by saying he’ll only agree to spare her if she can kiss him. At first, she’s reluctant to do so, but when he teases her for being a sheltered, rich girl, Satoko finally capitulates. Pfft, that’s all it takes to goad her, huh? Still, no other woman would kiss a murderer, so Goto now believes they’re soulmates. And thus the toxic romance begins… right into the Romance Roundup pile.