Deep breaths… deeeeeeeeeeeep breaths… alright, I’m finally ready for the Captain Earth finale. Wish me luck!

— So, uh, it’s one of those moments where the bad guy explains everything to the good guys and, as a result, the audience as well. But this is Captain Earth, so there are a still a billion questions left unanswered no matter how much Puck yammers on and on. He’s going to install himself in every sentient living being ’cause that makes him God — even cows, dude?  –, and he’s now an Ego Block, and how the source of his power is proportional to the Kiltgang’s strong desires and libido, and an Ego Block can exist so long as there’s desire, and he can use Planetary Signs ’cause anyone with an Ego Block can use one, and… and… blah…

— According to Puck  — yeah, he just keeps talking — Hana won’t be able to leave the Blume for hundreds of years! Hundred! We’ll see her leave it by the end of this episode, haha. I mean, seriously, who are you trying to fool?

— Puck zaps Ai, so that’s cool. He then warps to the Blume to take control of it. It’s weird watching a cube try to be threatening. Like it’s silly, so you want to laugh, but it’s not that silly. So what’s the word for it…? Oh right, it’s just stupid.

— Congratulations! You’ve taken over the Blume! Here, receive your prize:

— This entire time, Puck is cackling over and over because… I guess it’s super funny or something. Oh wait, he’s Puck from A Midsummer Night’s Dream, so he’s totally being all trickster-y. The allusions are strong with this one!

— Now she’s a troll doll with a dick?

— So Puck enters Hana’s body, gets himself a new mecha (it’s just the Blume transformed) in the process, and a new name as well. Don’t call him Puck! He’s now Robin Goodfellow! Who was, uh, Puck… shit. But now Puck has Hana’s voice, but it’s deeper. And yeah, he looks like Hana too except meaner. So for all of you guys who think Puck was super awesome, it’s hilarious how he is barely in this episode. He stuck around for a few short minutes before morphing into yet another hot anime babe. You’ll see him morph back into an Ego Block, but… well, you’ll see.

— Oh yeah, the Blume mecha is like a hundred times bigger than every other mecha. Why? ‘Cause the Blume is big. That’s it.

— Robin Goodfellow is disappointed, however, when she couldn’t use Hana’s old Livlaster. And because of that and that alone, the bad guy will now destroy everything that has touched a Livlaster. That’s convenient, I guess.

— Then, the moment we’ve all be waiting: the good guys fight with the Kiltgang robots in the hopes of bringing the true baddie down. But they haven’t really formed an alliance. They’re just sort of fighting the same enemy. Moreover, Amara doesn’t like how Setsuna keeps talking about how they should do an Ego Block explosion. Uguu, we’ll no longer be immortal sex-bots if that happens!

— Setsuna explains why she and the rest of her kind can’t use the Livlasters: “…we’re monsters with swollen egos….” Okay then. And yeah, it was obvious that Setsuna would be the first to change sides. Still, I wish this had been better developed. Like maybe she should’ve voiced her concerns with the others more. Like maybe she should’ve engaged some of them in an ideological discussion on why they’re doing what they’re doing. After all, she’s supposed to be their leader right? But instead, Setsuna kept her concerns mostly to herself. Then all of a sudden, she has a change of heart in the last episode. I’m just saying that these seeds of doubt could’ve been better cultivated. Instead, the Kiltgang spent too much time dicking around.

— For instance, Moco suddenly leaps to Daichi’s defense when the hero was about to be destroyed by one of Robin’s powerful attacks. Why? ‘Cause this is thanks… “[t]hanks for teaching [her] that the wind could feel good.” Yeah, I’ve seen Moco stare wistfully off into space as she thought about the wind. But like the other Designer Children, her character was never developed. So for her to suddenly jump to Daichi’s aid like this, it’s jarring. Welp, this is the last episode. Time to flip a switch!

— And it’s not like Captain Earth couldn’t have done this. Captain Earth could’ve really explored the Designer Children’s wavering faith in their mission. But instead, we focused on the goddamn Ark Faction of all things. And for what? Are the Ark Faction going to rear their ugly heads in this episode too? I bet you they won’t. I bet you we wasted weeks after weeks after weeks on those bastards sitting in a dark room, and it won’t amount to shit. Meanwhile, the Designer Children are arriving at epiphanies, and all we’ll have to work on is, “Gosh, wasn’t running a crepe truck fun?”

— Amara naturally sacrifices his Ego Block for Moco’s sake. ‘Cause they used to kiss. And the crepe truck. The motherfucking crepe truck. Afterwards, Setsuna hilariously decides to engage her allies in a discussion on the meaning of life.

— Finally, the Kiltgang perform an Ego Block explosion, which means… it means… nothing, really. Robin is still around. The problem is, Captain Earth has a terrible visual narrative. As a result, Robin has to sit there and explain to us that her strength has greatly diminished as a result of that Ego Block explosion. What’s the point of having action if you still need to spell everything out afterwards?

— So Robin’s going to jump to Earth and restore her energy. Teppei and Akari tell Daichi to go after Robin and get Hana back. After much exciting hyperspace flying, Daichi gets between Earth and Robin. The OP song starts playing, so you know shit’s about to get real. A cannon appears from the Earth Engine’s head, which Daichi uses to blast a hole in the Blume’s arm. He then enters the Blume through the arm. Woo.

— Daichi soon finds himself in… uh, the core of the Blume or something? Apparently, there’s oxygen in there. And gravity too. Yo, Ego Blocks need perfect Earth conditions to survive. I’m surprised you guys didn’t know that!

— There, Daichi confronts Robin, i.e. Evil Hana. Robin tries to bend Daichi to her will, but naturally, all you have to do is smooch the fuck out of any hot anime babe and she’ll turn the corner. I wonder if Puck ever got curious with Kube’s body and got with a man. Probably not. I’m sure some rogue AI totally has a sexuality and is thus hetero to the max, yo. Uguu, this is Puck’s first kiss with a boy. Please be gentle…

— So Daichi kisses the evil out of Hana. I’m surprised he didn’t just fuck the crazy out of her, but right, right… a show about uncontrollable libidos can’t actually have any sex in it. Puck goes back to his Ego Block. More importantly, Hana melts once more in Daichi’s arms. We see a bunch of flashbacks just to remind you how awesome lame their relationship was. Cool.

— Then together, our couple penetrates Puck with their laser beams. They even cross streams, so you know they have good chemistry! Still, it’s really that easy. Apparently, all you have to do is shoot at Puck’s Ego Block with a pair of Livlasters.

— Captain Earth tries to pull one last bullshit on us: Hana’s hand slips from Daichi as they attempt to escape from the exploding Blume. All the side characters start looking concerned and shit. Obviously, we soon see Daichi and Hana…

…but where are they? Are they even still alive? ‘Cause if they are, again, where are they?

— But who really cares, because the show’s over, folks. The show is over, and I can forget Captain Earth ever existed. Maybe I could have tried harder to deconstruct this show’s story, but I doubt that would’ve been a very fruitful endeavor.

Final thoughts?

Well, I don’t even know what to think. Captain Earth simply refused to deliver. So what are the Livlasters really? Shrug. What will the Designer Children do now? Shrug. Where did the Kiltgang even come from? Shrug. Since we spent so much time on the Ark Faction, how do they feel about these events? Shrug. What will Globe do now? Just disband? Shrug. Who the hell was this blue-haired girl we kept seeing? Shrug. Again, are Daichi and Hana still alive? Shrug. Even if they landed back on Earth, how did Pitz join them so quickly? Shrug.

But honestly, none of these questions would really matter if Captain Earth could hit any sort of thematic conclusion. That’s not what we got, though. The show stalled and stalled and stalled, but when it finally came time for the final episode to air, it suddenly felt as though the story ran out of time! In the end, Daichi and Hana protected Earth, they kissed, and that’s it. Way to go, Bones. And what are you guys doing next? Oh right, Chaika again. Blah…